This is the first year I have ever heard of "No Make-up November" (NMN). Of course I have always heard about "No SHAVE November," but that has always generally been for guys. This has me thinking. I've noticed a new trend lately - several of my friends have deleted their facebook's. How does this connect to NMN? Women are starting to actively choose not to wear makeup.
So my question is:
Why are women deciding to stop wearing make-up?
I desperately want the women who are doing this to blog because I want to know every thought that goes through their brain to give me a better picture of what society's standards of "beauty" are actually doing to women.
This morning I'm camped out in Destinations (drinking a white cafe mocha and it is delicious) beginning my research for a final project in my women's "Beauty, Feminism and Consumer Culture" and I've decided this is going to be my project topic.
I am genuinely curious if this choosing to stop or cut back drastically on make-up/beauty rituals is a passing trend where women are doing it because it's the 'cool' thing to do or if it is because they have personally decided to determine their value excluding societies opinions about where true beauty and value come from.
Did I participate in NMN? No. I'm the first to admit I'm totally impacted by societies expectations for beauty and use make-up pretty much every day. Not nearly as much as I did in high-school but there is usually at least a little bit of makeup on my face. I'm considering starting the New Year with one resolution - at midnight taking off all my make-up and going the first month of the year make-up free.
Normally I don't advocate people to comment on blogs because I like communicating with y'all in person BUT I would really like to hear what you have to say about this. Is this a trend or a genuine start of a new phase in women's beauty? What are you seeing?
Taking a break from updating everyone on my life (I know, it was just getting to the best part!) I'm going on a tangent.
Let's talk about one of my favorite things in the world: Romance.
As I've mentioned in basically every blog post...ever...I hate cliches. It's highly possible that I'm lying and I love things that are cliche - I actually love cutesy, gross romantic things, I just happen to enjoy acting grossed out and teasing people about them even more! So on that note I was in a bad mood last night. First of all, I feel bad for everyone around me when I'm in a bad mood because I don't really try to hide it - which could be either a good or bad thing.
Why was I in a bad mood? It was a weird day, yesterday, and I don't really know why. But I ended up thinking last night after Bible study about being single and that was the beginning of a downward spiral. Let me reiterate that for the most part I enjoy being single and I'm usually pretty content in it. But sometimes if I let my mind go down that path I find myself complaining and throwing a pity party of epic proportions. That's what happened last night and before I knew it, complain, complain, complain, God - why me? It was ugly. Had anyone walked by my room last night they might have been a little freaked out because I've developed a habit of talking out-loud to God and I was going to town and being a whiny little baby. Super attractive, I know.
But because I have no problem being honest these day I let God have it until I couldn't think of anything else to complain about and THEN I pulled out my Bible. Thankfully, I serve a gracious God who can put up with my attitudes and then gently correct me and point my attitude in the right direction So after I had whined for a solid 30 minutes or so, I pulled out my Bible and I kid you not this is what it said in the devotional I randomly opened up to:
Dependent
"Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of this your servant and to the prayer of your servants who delight in revering your name. Give your servant success today..." - Nehemiah 1:11
How often do we act first and then pray? We ask God to bless what we're doing already rather than seek him first for direction. Our pride and feelings of self-sufficiency keep us from prayer. We convince ourselves that we can do things on our own, independent of God. That's a terrible mistake. The wiser course of action -- the one Nehemiah chose - is to recognize how needy we are and how generous God is. Humility -- admitting that we need God's help will drive us to prayer. As the old saying goes, the best way to begin a journey is on your knees.
(If you have more time, read Nehemiah 1:1 - 11.)
Word to take with you today: Depend.
Nothing speaks romance to me more than having someone who I can tell pays attention to me and remembers things that I say. Also known as knowing me intimately. Especially because I tend to avoid telling people about myself nothing is more attractive to me than being shown that a man knows me that well and God does a superb job of that as illustrated by His intervention last night via the Bible.
I've got this button on my backpack for Superwoman and she is all about being a strong, independent woman which I feel like I identify with.
At this time, God is the only man I trust enough to allow close enough to me to know me that intimately. He is the only person I know right now that I've completely allowed myself to fully trust and to fully know me and consequently, He is the only one who manages to romance me so completely. He is my Superman. Who, also consequently, has been my favorite Superhero since I was a little kid. Minus Jedi, but those don't count in the scheme of Superheros.
So if you're a single lady and even if you aren't - embrace the concept of Romance in a new way today. God created You to be His love - let it happen.
If you finished reading "Even in Adversity" you are ready to read this.
Before starting I would like to apologize for the horrible run-on sentences and poor grammar in the last couple posts. I just got a little caught up and went to town. Also, in the spirit of November and giving thanks, I would like to thank everyone for reading - I'm less than 50 views away from hitting 1,000 which has been a personal goal. The odds are that I've touched at least one life out of a thousand and touching one life makes every single blog worth it to me. :) Thank you for reading!
Where were we? Ah, yes. Getting frustrated and angry. As previously discussed I like to be in charge of my life and know what is going on, where I'm going, and how I am going to get there. As counseling progressed and we started uncovering some issues, I gradually started noticing that I was stalking around campus being very angry without really knowing why. I brought this up to Gary (the counselor) and expressed that I was "angry about everything."
What I figured out was that I was angry about two specific areas. The first was that I was still constantly walking around being angry at the darned ex-boyfriend and because I didn't know how to get rid of that (Lord knows I wanted to - that was two years ago!) it was driving me in angry, vindictive circles. The second was that I was angry about my job and angry about not knowing what I was doing with my life (future-career-wise).
(Not me, but how I felt. :))
Call me crazy, but Gary re-framed anger in a way that completely changed my outlook on feelings. Here is what he said to me:
"Anger is a secondary emotion. If you're angry, you are probably feeling fearful, hurt or frustrated but it is coming out as anger."
Gary, that made so much sense! Immediately I could re-frame what I was feeling in a way that made it easier to figure out what was going on.
"I'm angry at ________________ because I'm constantly scared that every man I meet will be like he was and eventually not want me or not want me for my heart but for my body. I'm hurt by __________ because I felt like I wasn't valuable because of the way he treated me and I'm frustrated because I want to be over this whole mess and stop having to deal with it every day!"
That made so much more sense to me than - "I'm so mad at ______________!"
Anywho that was the bridge that put me on the road to forgiveness - step one for me was figuring out more specifics about why I was angry. We also had to talk a lot about false guilt - I false guilt myself all the time. I'm also really hard on myself. I can extend grace to other people but don't allow myself any and that makes me constantly feel guilty. So I had to start recognizing negative thought patterns (ANTS - Automatic Negative ThoughtS) when I thought about _________ and how that affected my life and stop blaming myself for things that are in the past and out of my control and also aren't even true.
At this same time God was pushing me to get involved more at Berean, where I've attended the college-aged service pretty much since second semester of my freshman year. For a social butterfly like myself it made absolutely no sense that I had yet to make friends within the church. So I went by myself the second week of Real Time (the college group weekly Bible study) which was really scary because I knew no one. God put me in the perfect small group. I was deathly afraid I was going to wind up in a group of freshman giggly girls when all I craved were women my own age with similar struggles that I could identify with. And God gave me that in Abby's small group.
To tie that in with the third devotional: "Personal."
You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.
Psalm 139:1
"God knows your thoughts, when you sit, when you rise and when you lie down. God knows you through and through, in and out, and loves you in more ways than you can ever know. God wants you to believe that he loves you! And though he doesn't put conditions on his love, he does ask that you respond to his love. Talk to him. Trust him for what you need. Believe that you are his unique and beloved creation. Let him search you and know you. God loves you with the strongest love imaginable - a love worth dying for." - devotional
That God knows me so intimately that he could match me so perfectly with the girls he put in my group and had lined me up with the exact person I needed at the exact right time was more romantic and meaningful to me than if He had instantly "cured" all my problems when I complained about them. I don't think in the Bible it ever says God will "fix" all my problems. But, like a husband, He promises to provide for my needs. God did that in such a masterful and beautiful way throughout this whole painful situation for me. Sometimes I still have to sit and be in awe at the way God put so many little pieces together in such a perfect and wonderful picture. That He never once left my side and always provided for me gave me such a feeling of being loved, valued, and being secure that I haven't felt the same about my relationship with God since.
During a period where I didn't even feel like I knew myself, God knew me so closely and intimately that He knew everything I needed. It still blows my mind. Well, if you've stuck with me through these last three, the next one is going to be about forgiveness and REACH retreat (where my background picture is from!) and the neat things that happened there. We are getting close to present day again!
But before I go, the word that went with this devotional is one that I think speaks to the core of both men and women. It's a word that we all crave. The word to take with you is: known.
If you finished reading 'Hidden in His Presence' you are ready to read this post. :)
So after being a cripple and acknowledging my need of assistance from other people combined with the persistence of my parents and my mentor (who I met at the end-ish of the Summer) and God's persistent nudging I decided it was time to get some more help. I started seeing a counselor. That was so hard! I'm a psychology major for crying out loud, shouldn't I just be able to analyze myself out and be okay? Guess not.
Anyway, I wish I had a videotape of my first session with Gary (the counselor) and the last one we had together (this Monday). The first one I pretty much sat in a little huddle on a chair in his office and cried hated my life and was just a hot mess. Hadn't showered, I'm pretty sure I looked as bad as I felt because he gave me his number and said I should call if I was ever in a bad spot. Anyway, every week I went to see him and every week it was hard to admit to myself that I needed to go because I couldn't solve everything myself. And every week the 20 minutes there and the 20 minutes back were growing experiences where I alternated between yelling at God and praising Him for being gracious to me.
After I finally caved and started seeing Gary (a couple weeks into school) I finally threw up my hands and was like - "screw it" - and just decided to go all out. If I was going to do this counseling thing, I was going to do it right and stop trying to pull myself together on my own and just keep admitting that I was a mess and needed help and let God have His way and do whatever He was doing because at this point I had no clue what I was supposed to do about literally anything in my life.
About a month into school and I believe my second week of counseling I had an awful, horrible panic attack in the middle of a lab for my capstone psychology course (meaning the biggest and most important class psych majors have to take). I got up in the middle of the lab and walked out. I had to drop two classes and also tell teachers I needed extensions because I just couldn't get assignments, even easy ones, done on time. That was also really hard because it was like I had to constantly admit to so many people that I couldn't do something. I don't know where I got this idea (just kidding, it's from Satan) that people wouldn't love me and would condemn and reject me if I failed at things and that not being able to do something made me a failure, but that's how I felt every time. It was awful! I also stopped eating because I wasn't hungry, I was always ready to sleep even when I wasn't tired, and life just felt like a constant discouragement.
So. Scheduled a doctor's appointment at the persistence of my mentor, parents, and Gary. And the doctor was like - "Let's try some drugs." I don't like taking medications. But by this time I was willing to finally admit that it was possible I couldn't pull myself out of this slump by myself. Sometimes I think that your body really does just freak out and do it's own thing and I guess I admitted that maybe a prescription something-or-other would help. So no I'm on anti-anxiety/depression stuff and we are into the second month and it definitely helps. It regulates my moods so I don't feel everything in super over the top extreme high feelings or downwards spiral my life is over feelings, either. I'm not planning to be on them forever - maybe just a couple months. But every day I have a very physical reminder in the shape of a pill that I'm not doing anything on my own. And every day God, my husband, stands with me while I take that pill and says "I still love you, no less than I did without that pill."
Here's where I'll relate all this back to another devotional, titled "Even in Adversity."
For I am convinced that either death not life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height or depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39
"The apostle Paul suffered all sorts of hardship and persecution and still knew that nothing could separate him from God's love. Nothing has changed. Hardship and heartache are our lot in life. We don't know what God is orchestrating "behind the scenes" in our lives, but we can be assured of his love. We don't know the reasons for the things that happen to us, but we can remember God has our best in mind. When trouble comes, will we come to grips with the fact that God is present, working behind the scenes with his big-picture purpose in mind?" - devotional
During this process of counseling and what-not, God had this sneaky plan all along to get me where I'm at now. Nothing that whole time separated me from the super-intimate love He feels for me! Not a pill, not counseling, not dropping a class, not hating my life, NOTHING. Not one darn thing. Granted, it sounds great that I figured it out but that was a total process and I didn't understand or feel that the whole time. But God had to put me through those things or I wouldn't have understood that nothing separates me from His love! And the next blog focuses on me during the point where I got really super frustrated and angry because I didn't know what the point of my life was and desperately wanted God to let me in on the whole "behind the scenes" whatever it was He was doing! I just had to totally trust that God did have my best in mind this whole time. So all I had was blind trust. And it was super hard. Trusting blindly is and probably always will be hard! And as I've mentioned I have some trust issues with men so viewing God as my husband and all is still hard to accept because I'm so insecure about getting left!
Anyway. More later. But the word to take with you from that devotional is: NEAR.
Whoops - basically skipped over most of this semester when it came to blogging! So much to fill everyone in on.
First of all, as you all know I love, love, love coffee (I've got a fresh cup next to me here at Destinations). This being said, this summer I bought a new Bible and graduated from my childhood one! I'm a big kid now (which reminds me, I need to renew my license...). I purchased the 'Coffeehouse Bible.' I share this with you because the devotions in it that I've read have interacted so perfectly with my life since I bought it that I wanted to share some of those things with all of you. In fact, I was thinking about how I was going to put all the things that have happened into a blog post in a way that made sense and was reading through some things I've really been clinging to in my Bible and came across four devotional's that focus on God's love.
God's love is something I have been learning a lot about. In my Bible study and at church we are wrapping up a study of Hosea. I have always been a fan of Hosea ever since I read Francine River's book 'Redeeming Love.' I strongly recommend that book to everyone, both man and woman. Honestly, when I read that book it completely changed my outlook on love and changed my mind because when I read it I was really struggling with doubting that marriage was a good thing and that I wasn't really interested in that anymore. Anyway, reading through Hosea and the study we are doing focuses on a bunch of different aspects of God. Hopefully I'll write some more blogs that look at those more in-depth soon. But the one aspect that really speaks to me is God as my husband. Because one of my biggest struggles in life is focused around a troubled relationship I had once upon a time and a lot of problems that have stemmed from having parents with a rough marriage growing up, this has been a problem for me. It has been really hard to think of God as someone who looks at me as a wife and loves me unconditionally. Because I felt like when I was growing up that my parents marriage revolved very much around conditional love as did their love for me, and then when I dated someone seriously and told me after about a year - "Well, sometimes I know I love you, and then other times I just don't know" - it has been nearly impossible for me to grasp that God isn't going to walk away from me.
Oh dear, I'm starting to ramble, aren't I? I'm going to try and catch y'all up and post a couple times today with some mass updates. So I'll just dive in.
Let's start with the devotional titled: Hidden in His Presence.
In the shelter of your presence you hide them from all human intrigues; you keep them safe in your dwelling from accusing tongues.
Psalm 31:20
"We long to be hidden in the presence of God. Life happens and we feel overwhelmed. Following Christ can be a lonely journey in a hostile world. Many of us sit in silent agony at meetings as colleagues ridicule some aspect of our faith. Many of us know feelings of isolation. God wants us to learn an important lesson from these seasons of loneliness: our true citizenship is in heaven (see Phillipians 3:20). When you feel like an outsider, remember that heavenly house awaits you (see 2 Corinthians 5:1). God promises to be your sanctuary on earth (see Ezra 9:8)."
Going into RA training at the start of this semester I was very, very lonely. I was struggling pretty seriously with feelings of depression and for those of you who identify with that (I know you are out there, I've met a lot of you), also with some pretty rule suicide ideation. Sorry if this is a little heavy for anyone, but I think God uses my honesty to touch others. So coming into training I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to spend any time around people even my friends. All I wanted was to be alone and hide in God. I felt very much like a little kid hiding in my room and crawling into God's lap over and over and over again. I felt very overwhelmed. I'll talk about counseling later, but one of the causes we pin-pointed as possible cause was that as an RA last year I was very emotional involved with a lot of my girl residents. While I loved that, it takes a toll. There was also a case where a dear friend of mine attempted suicide and I found her and that profoundly impacted me although I didn't realize it at the moment. Anyway, I was feeling overwhelmed to the point where I didn't want to come out of my room. Everything about me that I held to be true - being joyful, happy, kind, gentle, loving, social, outgoing, serving, being a confidante, mentor, ambitious - all those things had gone a complete 180. I was the opposite of everything I had ever thought I was and was worried those aspects of me were gone forever and I was going to be a cowering, scared little puppy-dog that felt like I was getting kicked in the gutter every day for the rest of my life.
God was teaching me some lessons that are going to stick with me for the rest of my life while I was in that season of loneliness.
Lesson 1: I met a nice boy. (Because we all know, I LOVE BOYS).
While that didn't end up working out what it showed me was that there were still problems from my last relationship that I wouldn't work out and let go, that I actually wanted to date again (it's been two years since I've dated anyone seriously), and that I was filling up my time with a lot of 'stuff' to avoid getting attached to anyone.
Lesson 2: I fell off the bed. That absolutely sucked. It happened during the first week of RA training - I jumped off my non-lofted bed, landed on a rain-boot and rolled my ankle so hard I had to go to the ER at 1 in the morning. Nothing is harder for me than giving up my independence and relying on others. Suddenly I had to rely on EVERYONE to do EVERYTHING from going down the hallway, attending meetings, getting in and out of doors and cars, carrying my food and carrying my backpack. EVERYTHING. And it SUCKED. But what I didn't realize was that God was using me being a cripple on crutches for a couple weeks as a baby step to teach me to let go of my pride and be able to ask for help.
Shout out of gratitude to Kyja (left) and Katie (right) who wheeled me down the hall in a laundry cart instead of letting me crawl, which I tried to do. You guys are wonderful :)
Thank-you to Chris B. for being my knight in shining armor and being my best friend and hero - calling my parents at 1 in the morning, driving me to the hospital, braving the maternity ward to find a nurse when we couldn't find the ER, putting up with me in the ER for an hour and a half, carrying my back-pack, driving me to Walgreens and buying me a lot of Advil and ice right after they were robbed, and chauffeuring me around during training. I love you, so much. True bestie. :)
Shout out to my FP Ben for doing basically all the prep work on our floor and helping me with literally everything I needed. I wouldn't have survived with-out you and you are my hero with a fro. Ben also washes my dishes for me sometimes - even when they are covered with mold. Can't wait for my "I <3 Ben" v-neck.
Also I would like to shout out to my girl Sash-Fierce for being a crip with me during training after falling down the steps whilst texting. Glad we could drive around together while both crippled. And another scream of gratitude to S. Banks for being a doll and bringing me coffee and hanging out in the PRC with me in the PRC while my life sucked during train. :)
So. Those two lessons are pivotal. God provided me the safety and comfort I needed in the season of loneliness where I didn't feel like I was strong enough to even talk to people or even leave my room. But while I was busy hiding in God's presence, God knew the time would come for me to come out of that comfortable spot of being miserable alone with Him and push myself to ask for help and address the issues I was going through.
This is where Hannah stops taking little baby steps and has to start taking giant leaps out of her comfort zone.
Hopefully if you stuck with this post to the bitter end there was something in there that brought a smile to your face, a chuckle to your heart, or assurance that it's okay if you identify with being in that spot of suck and loneliness.
Also: The word to take with you from that devotion was Sanctuary.
"I was an impostor and didn't know it. Like most people in Christian leadership, I worked hard at being ac omitted and loving Christian. I labored at serving people, forgiving people, humbling myself, and being joyful. The problem was that I was miserable much of the time and unable to admit this to anyone, including myself. I couldn't bring myself to believe it. My inner world was not in sync with my exterior behavior.
Exterior world = People to whom we relate and the things going on around us
Interior world = Whatever is going on inside us - represents what we feel, value, honor, esteem, love, hate, fear and believe in.
It takes work, energy, inconvenience, time, courage, solitude, and a solid understanding of the grace of God in the gospel to grow in Christlikedness."
- The Emotionally Healthy Church (Peter Scazzero)
I'm busy reading this book because my therapist, Gary, who you'll all hear about some more later said there was some good stuff in there. Of course because I'm a defiant little so-and-so who does things my own way sometimes was reading an entirely different chapter than he prescribed but it was still a really good chapter.
I am definitely in a spot where God is helping me understand this chaotic mess that is my emotions right now. What I thought of as being "emotionally mature" was really me forcing myself to be emotional flat-line without spikes and dips in the heart rate. Well, after almost 21 years I think this "maturity" has finally caught up with me. Suffice it to say for now that my exterior and interior are at war with each other and I'm stuck trying to figure out what it all means. Thank God I'm not alone and He's provided me with a super awesome counselor, doctor, mentor, and support system to help me while I'm emotionally limping around.
This is providing me with a whole new realm of thinking. It's highly possible that I've viewed emotions in entirely the wrong way, but it's really hard to rewire my thought patterns after so many years!
Here's what I've figured out so far: emotions are really good things. When I'm chiding myself for "being dramatic" or "unreasonable," if I think out a lot of those feelings, it turns out there have been some pretty legitimate reasons for feeling that way.
So. Off I go, embracing this roller-coaster I've avoided for so long called emotion.
I'm tired of judging myself by other peoples judgments.
God defines me.
God defines who I am and what I am worth, and He says that I am valuable and that He loves me. Regardless of what I did before I became a Christian and regardless of what I've done since the day I did become one. Ephesians 2:8-9 says For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is NOT FROM YOURSELVES, it is the gift of God - not by WORKS, so NO ONE can boast.
I am not a Christian on commission I do not receive "X" amount of God's love and grace and salvation based on my "Y" amount of doing: 'good christian things' and 'not doing bad christian things.' GOD LOVES ME. GOD LOVES YOU. Whether you are a Christian or not GOD. LOVES. YOU. He knows you screw up but HE STILL LOVES YOU THE SAME. God is love, and in Hebrews 13:8 it says that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. He loves your the same ALWAYS.
I feel like Christians are so busy pointing fingers at the things I or other people have done and created this category of "WRONG/DIRTY SIN" - oh, you drink? Not a Christian. Dirty sinner, shame on you. Oh, what? You aren't sexually pure? What, you swear? You wear a bikini? You've made dirty jokes? You lust? You masturbate? You look at porn? You've stolen something? You've tried elicit drugs? You've had premarital sex? You read Cosmo? You don't go to church every Sunday? You listen to what kind of music?
It's a list that no one can keep up with. No one can escape the list of wrong doings. Some of those things you might have just read and gotten really embarrassed about it because you have done or are doing them now and feel totally judged and like a failure. Guess what? Christians struggle. Everyone struggles! I'm sick of Christians pretending they don't struggle. We aren't anything more special to God than someone who hasn't invited Christ into their lives as their Savior - we haven't received any special power to destroy sinful desires in our lives. Yes, God helps us with those things, but until we are in heaven we will all have struggles and battles with our sinful desires.
Matthew 7:3-5 says - Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plan in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye, when all the time where is a plank in your own?
I've spent so much of my life trying to measure up to what Christians say Christians should look like. I've let their definition and views and remarks and judgement shape who I try to be in Christ.
Well I'm done with it. I'm tired of feeling guilty by the judgement of other Christians. They don't define me!
God made me in His likeness, he didn't make me TO BE HIM. He didn't create us to strive to BE CHRIST. Being Christ and being Christ-like are totally different things. I will never be Christ and to think that I can? Every time I fail (which is literally a constant, all day, every day thing) just leaves me frustrated, discouraged, and back in that square one train of thought that says I have to be doing everything right or God won't love me.
My relationship and the salvation Christ has given me isn't based on a check-list of things I have to be. I'm not a check-list. I am not one long list of things I have to be doing right or wrong.
God disciplines me, he corrects and rebukes me. I'm not saying that there aren't consequences for things I do because there definitely are.
But what's really on my heart tonight is PLEASE stop trying to let Christians define you. I urge you to seek out what GOD says to you, about who you are.
You are his BELOVED, regardless of what you have done, are doing and will doing. This is for both non-Christians as well as believers!
One of the things I hear over and over from girls is that Christians have this mantra they preach to girls about 'staying pure.' Guess what? A lot of those girls have had sex! Or done things related to sex! Whatever it is, we don't really fall in that category of 'white as snow' anymore that Christians have created. Here's a news flash - I have done some of those things too! In fact, I look at myself a lot and the things I've done and have labeled myself things like "whore," "slut," "dirty," and "unlovable." But the thing is? God has ripped those labels away from me. No, God doesn't like those things, not because God is a fun-hater and hates sex but because he knows that sex and such is best within certain boundaries and it makes him sad when we cross those boundaries he set in place. Does having sex before you're married make God hate you? Does it make him love you less, do you lose your salvation, are you a bad christian?! NO. God has ripped those labels out of my hands and off my heart because that may be the way I see myself but that is NOT how God sees me.
That's the world telling you you'll never measure up to what a Christian should be.
You don't have to measure up to anything.
Something God shared with me and has been on my heart ever since was I've been feeling like everything I do is wrong and this makes me feel like a failure. I feel like a failure as a woman, as a Christian, as a daughter, as a student, as everything because I feel judged by other people. So a while back, I started journaling all the things I'd done wrong and all the things that made me feel like a failure and a 'bad christian.'
As soon as I got done writing all those things I flipped the page and the next thing out of my pen and on to the page was -
Is that all, beloved?
God can handle me. He can handle all my imperfections and screw ups. He can handle all my rule-breaking, line-crossing, profanities, fantasies, drinking, failing, two-facedness, everything.
"You may be the only Jesus people ever see."
I'd like to modify that. I'm the only Jesus people will ever see? This implies that I HAVE TO BE JUST LIKE JESUS. Impossible. I might show them a little piece of who Jesus is, but Jesus is perfectly capable of being the Jesus people see. I'm not the only one surrounded by everything that was, quite literally, all made by the same God. I may be an instrument that helps someone get closer to accept Jesus into their heart and pursuing a life with him, but I am not Jesus. He can handle not only my sins, but everyone elses. So consider that myth personally busted in my life.
To the Christians out there who are reading this, here's what I want you to think about. Pray, plead with God to show you who you are and the relationship He has for you with Him. Pray that he opens your eyes and your heart to what you are to HIM, not to other people, to other Christians. If our salvation was based on whether other Christians thought we were 'good enough' to have it, did enough evangelism to earn it, cleaned up our lives to be perfect enough to be deemed 'Christ-like,' we'd all be destined for hell. Pray that God shows you the judgement you are taking from other people and turning into chains for yourselves. That isn't what God has for you - he doesn't have a life full of guilt to weigh you down or a level of perfect performance to achieve.
To anyone reading this who isn't a Christian: maybe this all sounds crazy. I can almost guarantee you have felt judged by someone who calls themselves a Christian before and I'm sorry for that. It's possible I've judged you before. The reality is that everyone judges. It's human nature to compare and contrast and form impressions of people. But I want to tell you that I am wrong to do that - what I think of you - whether I think you are good or bad or a slut or a jerk or whatever? That doesn't matter. Yes, words hurt, yes, I can hurt you with what I think. But God doesn't have that for you. God isn't a 'Christian,' He is GOD. He is a loving Father who wants to shower you with grace and love and mercy. He is a healer of hurts, he is close to the broken-hearted. I don't know what your life is like or has been like. Maybe your parents went through a divorce, maybe you've been cheated on, maybe you're failing out of school, maybe you don't have enough money to live on, maybe you drink, maybe you party, maybe you feel like everyone hates you, maybe you feel like you aren't enough, that you are a failure, and that no one would ever love you if they knew who you really were.
I want you to know that God knows everything about you. He knows your thoughts, knows your hearts, knows your deepest hurts and desires. He knows the things you feel guilty about he knows the words people say that cut your heart in half. He knows what that significant other or that friend or that sibling or that parent did to you. He understands that you feel alone, that you feel lost, overwhelmed, confused, scared, depressed whatever you may be. HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU because HE CREATED YOU. He desperately wants a relationship with you to save you from a lifetime and then an eternity of those feelings. He loves you. It isn't a love you can find in books or from any person on earth. He satisfies the holes in your heart that you try to fill with sex, with lovers, with achievement, with money, with status. He died for you so you don't have to believe those lies. You don't have to be enough for anyone - God wants you exactly the way you are. He wants you with all of your imperfect past and with all of your imperfect future.
Maybe try what I did - try writing or thinking through all those things you think make you a bad person or a bad Christian or a failure or unlovable or imperfect or whatever the word is for you. And after you get done with all that? No matter how bad you think you've been and are and will be?
Beloved, God still loves you. The love story of Hosea? That's how God loves me. That's how God loves you. This is the first video in a series that represents the story of Hosea and of God's love for me.
Have you ever thought about the people from the Bible you want ot meet when you die? Is it weird that I've spent a fair amount of time doing this?
I really want to meet David. These days I can really relate to a lot of the Psalms he wrote. I know he did a lot of great things - slaying Goliath and all that jazz, but I think he was a lot more of a "normal person" just like me. I think David would be a character who impacts a lot more people if people understood what most of his life was actually like.
Anyway. Psalm 55 is ringing true with me this morning. This particular Psalm has been in my heart the last couple weeks. Particularly verse 22:
Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous be shaken.
Psalm 55:22
What really speaks to me is the word choice here - it cuts straight to the core of my heart and understands it so perfectly.
Sustain (verb) - to support, hold, or bear up from below; bear the weight of, as a structure
(2) to bear (a burden, a charge, etc.)
(3) to undergo, experience,, or suffer (injury, loss, etc.); endure without giving way or yielding
(4) to keep (a person, the mind, the spirits, etc.) from giving way; as under trial or affliction
(5) to keep up or keep going, as an action or process; to sustain a conversation
A lot of days I don't honestly feel like I have enough of anything to sustain myself. This verse speaks to my heart and says that I don't have to. GOD sustains me - it isn't my job to be superwoman, because I'm not.
Think about that definition. Sustain.
Cast your cares on the Lord and HE WILL SUSTAIN YOU;
he will NEVER let the righteous be shaken.
Maybe you're feeling like you, too, need to be superman or superwoman today. Just stop. Let the power of those words and the truth they hold rock your world.
My beautiful friend Kylie was telling me about her daily devotional app she had on her iPhone, and I thought that sounded pretty neat so I downloaded one too. It's called Spirit Meat and that was the title of the first devotional.
It was exactly what I needed to hear. I've been so caught up with feeling overwhelmed by classes and being an RA again and tryin, trying, trying to balance a million things at once I've gotten distracted. I get caught up so easily in the process of everything that I lose sight of God's hand in my life.
Lately, I've felt God working in my heart specifically with the way I relate and have relationships with others. Normally I like to be friends with lots of people so I'm constantly flitting from group to group so I can be close to everyone but don't have to let anyone get close to me. Recently I have been praying for God to change my heart to stop avoiding relationships with people and I can see a very real change happening.
The greatest evidence of this for me is that I dropped a class this week.
Never, ever before now would I have even considered dropping a class. I have never taken less than 16 hours and to do so or to choose a class and then drop it, to my independent self says - "You weren't strong enough to do it. You are a failure." One of the main reasons was that I was overwhelmed and frustrated that I didn't have time to spend with people or to do my copious amounts of homework. Normally I would just spend less time with people and more time on school work because of my need to succeed.
God has changed the needs of my heart. Something else that has been really cool for me lately is that the more time I spend in God the more often I hear His voice. So I was in church this morning just listening to the sermon and letting my thoughts wander around and I started thinking about needing to find a replacement class, maybe an on-line one, to replace the one I dropped. Surely I could balance 16 hours and still maintain and grow solid relationships. So I started to pray about it that God would reveal the class I should take.
Now, here is one of my theories on God's voice. Usually I'm pretty sure it is His voice because he says the exact opposite thing of what I want to actually do. Anyway, the long and short of it is that He said something along the lines of - "Give me your time and let me show you what I can do with you in a semester."
Which is where the title of the devotional ties in. I got so caught up in the process of trying to make my life fall into place and get every detail to work out that I lost sight of trusting God with my outcome. I know in my head and say out loud - "I know God has a plan for me to......graduate.....get a career......meet/marry a spouse.....insert anything else..." But then I get it into my head that if I don't take care of all the little detaails and work myself to death I won't get to the outcome I should, when in reality, I have zero say in the outcome of anything in my life, really.
So.
We shall see what God has for me this semester, because apparently He has a plan that requires 14 class hours instead of 16...
The thing about a blog is that it gets a little addicting to write in order to see the amount of posts grow and see the site develop. If you are wondering why I post at such odd intervals, it's because I have to constantly fight the urge to post simply for the sake of posting. I've been trying to put together some scattered thoughts into one cohesive post, so here we go!
Just the other day someone mentioned that they liked my philosophies. That got me to thinking a lot about what I would consider some of my life philosophies to be. Here's what I've come up with so far.
Philosophy: Let My Love be the Proof.
Ever since I heard For King & Country's song 'The Proof of Your Love' for the first time it got to my heart and spoke to me. Let my life be the proof of Your love? Those are some pretty strong, challenging words. In case you haven't picked up on it yet, I like being challenged, so this song is perfect. This whole song is a challenge to make my entire life proof that I am loved by Christ - I want someone who doesn't know me to be able to look at my life from any aspect and wonder why in the world she acts in a way so different from what they see around them in the world, that they see a light and a love and a heart for others that they can't help but be drawn to and want to know why I seem so different.
Philosophy: Be Joyful Always. 1 Thessalonians 5:16.
If you want to get technical you could easily argue this as being similar to philosophy number one, but I get to write whatever I want because it's my blog, so yay for free speech! No where in the Bible does it say - "If you become a Christian and follow Christ, your life will be fantastic." No where. God does not promise a trouble free life, look at John 16:33, for example. I like being joyful, but please don't get the misconception that I have never experienced hard things. I think everyone has, however something God is continually teaching me is how to be joyful through those things. Something I had to learn as a sophomore in high school was that joy and happiness are two very different, un-related concepts. It is one of my constant goals in life to consider it pure joy when I'm faced with trials because those are the times that my faith is being tested and perseverance is being produced (See James Chapter 1). Full Disclosure: I think Satan bothers Christians who are striving to grow in their faith with many, many more difficult trials because it is his goal in life to keep me from Christ. So when the trials happen? I guess now I kind of see that as almost an affirmation of just how valuable and worthy I must be to Christ if Satan is working so hard to keep me away from Him! Neat!
Philosophy: Sports bra and no make-up.
The philosophy I easily admit I struggle with the most is accepting the fact that I am beautiful. Beauty from the inside-out is a concept the world doesn't really preach! But what I've figured out between perseverance, time, incredibly supportive friends and God's grace is that people love me just as much whether I spent a lot of time trying to look awesome as when I'm wearing a sports bra, no make-up, and my hair is a mess. To me, if a girl is comfortable enough to do that and feel secure in the knowledge that she is no less beautiful or worthy that way than when she puts in a ton of time and money into her appearance - that is super attractive.
This week at UNL there is a Christian conference going on
called ‘MOVE’ with around 1500 high-school students from all over the U.S. It is so neat to see Christians all around
campus! There are people hanging out outside reading their Bibles! HOW COOL IS
THAT?! I never see that! In fact, it has
not only encouraged me to keep reading my Bible, but to do it where other
people can see me sometimes!
On that note…Speaking of neat things.
Something else God has been speaking to my heart about the
last week or so is about giving Him the glory for everything I do and
everything that I am. Yes, He has given me gifts and talents and all that jazz,
but He is showing me how to give HIM the glory through those things. One of the
ways I have been able to see this in action is through some of my friends who
do just that – without fail, I see someone give them a compliment and they
immediately point out that it is because of GOD that they did/are whatever the
compliment was for. Who knew people, YOUNG PEOPLE, did that?
So I started thinking and praying about this because I have
a pretty big problem – I love, love, love to be recognized for things. It isn’t
usually the reason behind my actions but I really enjoy recognition and
building up my ego a little bit after. Who doesn’t? The Bible has some pretty strong
statements about flattery, and believe you me when I say I’m busy Googling
those verses and learning what they say! I need drowning in the Truth, so I’m
going diving into it.
Also, what a cool witnessing tool! Twice this has happened
in the last two days and before I might not have noticed and just felt
flattered and good about myself, but this time, it kind of bothered me. So I
gave God the glory (something that is new). At camp, I did a devotional with my
campers about ‘Next Step’s.’ Well, for me, that was big next step – and I told those two people
that the compliments they were giving me are all just a credit to God. If I
didn’t have God in my life, no one would see any good in me. By myself, I make
terrible, selfish decisions that don’t do me or anyone else a half-ounce of good.
What a cool witnessing tool! I know it is really easy for Christians
to fall into the mindset of thinking the only way to witness is go out,
awkwardly approach strangers and then present the gospel in an altogether uncomfortable
conversation for both parties involved. That isn’t what witnessing has to be! YOUR
LIFE is a witness – you are a living testimony of and to Christ! By responding
to compliments that Christ is the reason I am how I am? I am very openly giving
testament to my creator – I am, quite literally, witnessing.
I love being
challenged and challenging others and making them feel uncomfortable. So, if
you are reading this and feel uncomfortable or challenged? Good! Run with that!
Examine yourself and figure out why the heck you feel that way and then figure
out your ‘Next Step’ and then DO IT. Faith without actions is dead (James 2:17)
so don’t let your faith die! Like the name of this conference going on – it is
time for you to MOVE!
**Giving credit to God instead of yourselves is called being
humble, something I absolutely suck at. Need verses (like I do!) about all that
humility stuff? Check it out HERE. **
Can I start off by saying that I love Diane Sawyer’s
speaking style? She and Katie Couric were my presentation style inspiration
through my years as a speech kid and I think that they are both awesome women.
On that note, I am in the middle of working a midnight to
six a.m. shift and was looking at some different YouTube videos and stumbled
upon one about a 50 year old mother transforming herself to look like her 29
year old daughter using weight loss, multiple surgeries, hair color and
extensions, as well as purchasing the same clothes and make-up as her younger
daughter.
I am all for looking nice, I do not think there is anything
wrong with putting some effort into appearance. But watching this video I can’t
imagine this woman really being very content with who she is, instead of how
she is.
Whatever decisions about their bodies others might have and
the thoughts they have about themselves is up to them. As for me, God is starting to help me see myself in a
different way. If you follow along with The Beauty Project (which will
hopefully have actual posts at…some point), it doesn’t take long to realize
that, like most women, I struggle with placing more importance on my outward
appearance than my inward.
God has mercy and grace for me and forgives the things in my
past that make me feel like the only way I am valuable is if the world sees my
body as beautiful. Here’s the thing – everyone gets old. I can’t slow time down
and I will never view myself as “perfect”
nor will I ever be “perfect” enough for the world’s standards.
This last week I was out counseling at Manna, and I don’t
know that I showered more than….let’s go with five times and that might be generous.
Please understand – this is an outdoor, go hard all day camp and you sweat a
lot and are very, very active. Meaning, I wouldn’t classify what we all looked
(and smelled) like as being “beautiful.” I don’t know that I wore make up. I
had on glasses because the whole time I was so tired I needed them to see. But
you know what? It was the best camp I ever had.
I think one of the fears I have always had is that if I didn’t
wear make-up and people saw what I really looked like that they wouldn’t like
me and would reject me based completely on how I looked. No one rejected me; in
fact, I couldn’t even tell that people thought any different of me. In psychology,
when someone has a fear/phobia one way to treat that is by using ‘flooding.’
Flooding means you basically put someone in an environment they can’t escape
and are forced to confront their fear head on. Usually what causes us to have
fears is because we never confront them and never see what happens because
usually what happens isn’t what we assume would be the outcome and so we live terrified of our fears. Camp was kind
of like flooding.
God is changing my heart so that I care a lot more about how
my heart looks and my actions reflecting that than about how my skin or my body
looks. He is also changing my perspective on seeing others to look at who they are not what they look like.
“I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and
propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pears
or expensive clothes, but with good
deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.” – 1 Timothy
2:9-10
In the video, a doctor talks about the mother-daughter
look-a-like situation and says:
“I’ve seen a lot of mothers, who, as they’ve watched the
transition of their daughters into womanhood, in a big way, it is difficult for
mothers to sit in a place without feeling the perception of losing it
themselves - Desperation, self-esteem.”
So here is my prayer while I’m sitting behind a desk
freezing at three in the morning – that I can age gracefully and with dignity. I
want to watch my daughters (God willing I have some) grow up and not be
obsessed with looking younger or as young as they do. That I will look back
someday and remember that I spent 15 minutes helping someone else instead of 15
minutes doing my make-up.
“But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance
or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things
people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at
the heart.” - 1 Samuel 16:7
It's been quite a while since my last post. And I'll be completely honest about why - I don't know that I want to share what has been going on in my life lately.
There have never been times before in my life where I really wanted to question God. It's kind of annoying because now that I'm a little older, the more I learn you would think the more answers I would have, but it's the exact opposite, I have more questions than ever.
I'm going through a time of trying to figure out what I believe about different things. My views and how I feel about things aren't all matching up with what God's are - which makes sense because He is perfect and I am definitely not.
Career path-wise, I'm starting to get a clearer picture of where I'd like to go. Hopefully I'll come out of school with a double major/double minor (I'll update the profile with all that) and work with behavioral disorders in kids. Long-term I still want to be a full-time mom and have my own kids (hopefully a whole bunch of those little guys) and then I want to be at therapeutic mom for other kids. I'll do a more detailed post to explain all that later, I'm just trying to catch everyone up.
Everyone wants to hear about my faith life..well...I think about God a LOT these days. However, I'm kind of avoiding things like church or my 'God friends,' because a) I'm not at the same place a lot of them look like they are at spiritually and b) I'm figuring out MY beliefs, and I don't want those influenced. I don't want to live someone elses faith because that's what they experience, I want to figure this out just me and God.
Which leads me to where I'm at now. This summer I'm a CA with UNL (see updated profile) and it's a pretty easy job, so I'm going to have some free time. This summer, I'm determined to let myself enjoy being a kid for awhile. People are always telling me I need 'me' time, instead of spending my whole life helping other people. While I 100% disagree with that, I'm finally going to relax and just BE. I'm processing through a ton of stuff with having to had to grow up being the adult parent starting when I was pretty young and for this summer, I want to let myself not be the adult for everyone else. Maybe I'll even let other people worry about me for a change. Or not, because that would feel really weird.
Apologies for such a vague post, but I wanted to get some kind of update out there for everyone. Hope y'all are having as fantastic a summer as I am. :)
Here’s where I’m at tonight. I’m a Christian who feels a little bit desperate. Can you relate to me? Is there anyone else out there who goes through times when every day is a struggle? Not just one day, but a point where it just keeps going, day after day for a long time?
God – I’m trying so hard to understand what you want from me, what I’m supposed to be doing. What am I missing?
I thought I had some things all figured out, but all of a sudden I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. Everything I thought I knew about myself, about where I was going, my career and life goals...all my passion has disappeared. All my carefully laid plans suddenly seem wrong.
I feel sick. I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t want to go where You might be leading because that means letting go of everything, of trusting you with the things I hold closest to my heart. If I give you everything, even if I don’t, Lord there are things in my life that if you took them away I don’t know what I would do. How do I know that I wouldn’t just give up, curl into a tiny ball and just lose it again like before? How do I know that I’ll be strong enough, smart enough, good enough? Because I know I’m not strong. I know I’m not that smart and I’m definitely nowhere close to the definition of good.
It’s like my life is this blank piece of paper and I’m just wandering around making footprints that don’t mean anything and don’t make any sense. I feel like one of those little candy land pieces, and I’m standing on the starting color. No clue why that’s the picture that comes to mind when I’m thinking about what Your plan is, but I just see the Candy Land board. I’ve got the cards clutched in my hand like when I was six and trying to be sneaky and slip the good cards in order so I would draw them and win the game.
But here’s the problem – I’m hanging on to some cards but I don’t have the whole deck. You’ve got the real cards and you know the best route for me to take but I want so desperately to be the one in charge, the one in charge of the order of the deck. I want to say what comes and goes in my life. I don’t know how to pry the cards out of my hands and give them to you and I don’t know how to let you take them from me without grabbing them back.Sometimes I’m so sneaky and think I’ve somehow managed to wiggle one of those cards in where I want to do something that I want or hold on to something I don’t want to let go of and convince myself that You put that card there, not me. It just happened to go along with what I wanted.
Except…I’m not six anymore. Shoot, I’m not even a teenager any more. I don’t get the blissful reality of thinking I can fool you and rearrange my own deck. So I don’t know what I want, but even worse I have absolutely no idea what YOU want.
And I guess I just wondered…I guess sometimes I hope that I’m not the only Christian who keeps trying to stack their own deck, that has struggles that don’t disappear with a little prayer or a Proverb.
I guess, sometimes, it’s just nice to know that I’m not the only Christian who struggle and doesn't have it all together.
If there is one thing about myself that I usually deny, it is this: I am a total sap. When it comes to romance, the more cutesy and cheesy, the better. I love when guys are so excited about a girl that they are all awkward and stumbly when being honest. Totally adorable.
Another thing I love: Love songs. Music is a big deal in my life, and I love to hear love songs. I think CD's that boyfriends of the past made for me - it says a lot and I love trying to imagine what he thought when he heard those songs about me.
Welcome to Valentine's Day, 2012. I also love Valentine's day. Also: I like commercialism. Is it so wrong to enjoy a day where you can tell people they are extra special to you and buy them soft things like bears and yummy things like chocolate? No! Yes, I realize we should do that everyday, but I have absolutely no problem with one day a year that is dedicated to doing a little bit more.
However, I hear that a lot of people, mostly girls, are not fans of Valentine's Day. Typically these girls are single or are recently out of a relationship. Don't get me wrong - I completely identify. That was me last year after my semi-recent breakup with Jordan and I'll admit, Valentine's Day had moments where it sucked. But this year, I am excited about Valentine's Day. Here comes the sap and the cliche we all know I hate so much - but I was out walking today and reflecting on V-Day and that I've had a valentine everyday for the past...decade, really. Christ is my Valentine, on February 14th, and every other day of the year. And while some days I might not feel this way - right now that is more than enough for me.
But for other who aren't at that point and tomorrow might be kind of a rough, sad and painful day, I'm attaching an article my Mom mailed me. Maybe it will give you that little perk or emotional hug that will get you through the next 24 hours.
If you have ever spent more than ten minutes around my, you probably already know what I am about to tell you. I am a total klutz. One of my friends was thoughtful enough to put this sign up outside the door of my dorm room to warn people…
Courtesy of my friend Blake -Out of his kindness and thoughtfulness for others.
I’m convinced that God gave me five feet worth of leg and only an ounce of coordination in order to keep my pride in check. Anytime I start feeling prideful, I swear a crack magically appears in the sidewalk or a doorway materializes for me to trip on or run into. A perfect example happened just last week. I’ve been doing a pretty good job working out at the REC center these past couple of weeks in an effort to prepare for spring break (I’m going on a cruise with my two girlfriends – Karla and Sasha – and I’m very, very excited). As I’ve spent more and more time working out, I was beginning to feel pretty, shall we say, prideful in the results I was seeing. My routine requires the sauna which is located in the women’s locker room. To get out of the locker room there are four steps up and out a set of double doors. Four steps, average size, no big deal –walk up, walk out. My IPod was turned up and I was all set to go for a run – feeling good, feeling cocky – when I headed up the steps. Somewhere between the third and fourth step my foot stopped functioning correctly and I tripped. Because I am blessed to be six feet tall, my arms are so long they managed to reach the double doors and push them open allowing me to completely wipe out, sprawling out on the floor of a main hallway right in front of a guy walking by. I’m still missing pieces of my left knee from the vicious linoleum burn I sustained. And the guy didn’t even help me up.
Incidents similar to this happen to me literally on a daily if not hourly basis. God knows my heart. He knows that I have countless areas of insecurities and I believe with all my heart that not only do those insecurities make me unique but that Christ loves me and cherishes me despite those. Thank goodness for forgiveness, right? Otherwise I would be completely screwed.
I’m pretty sure this verse describes me pretty well, especially if you look back to the women’s locker room.
Proverbs 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.
However, while I do have insecurities God has also given me a sense of self-worth and the knowledge that my value comes directly from Him. In addition to that, there are areas of my life that I excel at – for example, I can make a pretty neat poster (to be fair – some people may consider this a lame skill – so be it) – and it is easy for me to compare a skill I rock at to someone who doesn’t really have the same skill (nor do they necessarily want it) and for me to begin feeling prideful.
One of my posters - I think it looks pretty alright.
The cool thing about recognizing your pride is that two things can come from it – you can keep inflating your ego simply for the feeling of superiority over others or you can humbly recognize the areas you are awesome at that have caused you pride and understand how to utilize those areas in a non-prideful manner. Pride is not a bad thing. If you are great at something or have accomplished a goal or whatever, it is ok to be happy and feel good about that. When trouble starts is when you start to take full credit for things on your own shoulders, forgetting that God is really the reason you are good at and for anything. Christ gave you gifts and abilities – He wants us to be good stewards and use wisdom to utilize those gifts.
The Bible, specifically Proverbs, is packed with verses about pride. It helps to spend quality time reading those and reflecting on your own life. I know I’ve been spending a lot of time doing that, trying to understand that I can be awesome at something, give the glory and praise to God for that, and not need to alert the world about it and receive recognition.
Proverbs 27:2
Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; someone else, and not your own lips.
What I want is for God to grant me wisdom and understanding to use my gifts to glorify Him and help others. I want to be a woman with a meek and humble spirit – otherwise, I’ll probably end up a paralytic before I’m 30.
Isaiah 66:2
Has not my hand made all these things, and so they came into being?" declares the LORD. "This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word."
