Sometimes

Here’s where I’m at tonight. I’m a Christian who feels a little bit desperate. Can you relate to me? Is there anyone else out there who goes through times when every day is a struggle? Not just one day, but a point where it just keeps going, day after day for a long time?

God – I’m trying so hard to understand what you want from me, what I’m supposed to be doing. What am I missing? 

I thought I had some things all figured out, but all of a sudden I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. Everything I thought I knew about myself, about where I was going, my career and life goals...all my passion has disappeared. All my carefully laid plans suddenly seem wrong.

I feel sick. I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t want to go where You might be leading because that means letting go of everything, of trusting you with the things I hold closest to my heart. If I give you everything, even if I don’t, Lord there are things in my life that if you took them away I don’t know what I would do. How do I know that I wouldn’t just give up, curl into a tiny ball and just lose it again like before? How do I know that I’ll be strong enough, smart enough, good enough? Because I know I’m not strong. I know I’m not that smart and I’m definitely nowhere close to the definition of good.

It’s like my life is this blank piece of paper and I’m just wandering around making footprints that don’t mean anything and don’t make any sense. I feel like one of those little candy land pieces, and I’m standing on the starting color. No clue why that’s the picture that comes to mind when I’m thinking about what Your plan is, but I just see the Candy Land board. I’ve got the cards clutched in my hand like when I was six and trying to be sneaky and slip the good cards in order so I would draw them and win the game.

But here’s the problem – I’m hanging on to some cards but I don’t have the whole deck. You’ve got the real cards and you know the best route for me to take but I want so desperately to be the one in charge, the one in charge of the order of the deck. I want to say what comes and goes in my life. I don’t know how to pry the cards out of my hands and give them to you and I don’t know how to let you take them from me without grabbing them back.  Sometimes I’m so sneaky and think I’ve somehow managed to wiggle one of those cards in where I want to do something that I want or hold on to something I don’t want to let go of and convince myself that You put that card there, not me. It just happened to go along with what I wanted.

Except…I’m not six anymore. Shoot, I’m not even a teenager any more. I don’t get the blissful reality of thinking I can fool you and rearrange my own deck. So I don’t know what I want, but even worse I have absolutely no idea what YOU want.

And I guess I just wondered…I guess sometimes I hope that I’m not the only Christian who keeps trying to stack their own deck, that has struggles that don’t disappear with a little prayer or a Proverb.

I guess, sometimes, it’s just nice to know that I’m not the only Christian who struggle and doesn't have it all together.