First of all, as you all know I love, love, love coffee (I've got a fresh cup next to me here at Destinations). This being said, this summer I bought a new Bible and graduated from my childhood one! I'm a big kid now (which reminds me, I need to renew my license...). I purchased the 'Coffeehouse Bible.' I share this with you because the devotions in it that I've read have interacted so perfectly with my life since I bought it that I wanted to share some of those things with all of you. In fact, I was thinking about how I was going to put all the things that have happened into a blog post in a way that made sense and was reading through some things I've really been clinging to in my Bible and came across four devotional's that focus on God's love.
God's love is something I have been learning a lot about. In my Bible study and at church we are wrapping up a study of Hosea. I have always been a fan of Hosea ever since I read Francine River's book 'Redeeming Love.' I strongly recommend that book to everyone, both man and woman. Honestly, when I read that book it completely changed my outlook on love and changed my mind because when I read it I was really struggling with doubting that marriage was a good thing and that I wasn't really interested in that anymore. Anyway, reading through Hosea and the study we are doing focuses on a bunch of different aspects of God. Hopefully I'll write some more blogs that look at those more in-depth soon. But the one aspect that really speaks to me is God as my husband. Because one of my biggest struggles in life is focused around a troubled relationship I had once upon a time and a lot of problems that have stemmed from having parents with a rough marriage growing up, this has been a problem for me. It has been really hard to think of God as someone who looks at me as a wife and loves me unconditionally. Because I felt like when I was growing up that my parents marriage revolved very much around conditional love as did their love for me, and then when I dated someone seriously and told me after about a year - "Well, sometimes I know I love you, and then other times I just don't know" - it has been nearly impossible for me to grasp that God isn't going to walk away from me.
Oh dear, I'm starting to ramble, aren't I? I'm going to try and catch y'all up and post a couple times today with some mass updates. So I'll just dive in.
Let's start with the devotional titled: Hidden in His Presence.
In the shelter of your presence you hide them from all human intrigues; you keep them safe in your dwelling from accusing tongues.
Psalm 31:20
"We long to be hidden in the presence of God. Life happens and we feel overwhelmed. Following Christ can be a lonely journey in a hostile world. Many of us sit in silent agony at meetings as colleagues ridicule some aspect of our faith. Many of us know feelings of isolation. God wants us to learn an important lesson from these seasons of loneliness: our true citizenship is in heaven (see Phillipians 3:20). When you feel like an outsider, remember that heavenly house awaits you (see 2 Corinthians 5:1). God promises to be your sanctuary on earth (see Ezra 9:8)."
Going into RA training at the start of this semester I was very, very lonely. I was struggling pretty seriously with feelings of depression and for those of you who identify with that (I know you are out there, I've met a lot of you), also with some pretty rule suicide ideation. Sorry if this is a little heavy for anyone, but I think God uses my honesty to touch others. So coming into training I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to spend any time around people even my friends. All I wanted was to be alone and hide in God. I felt very much like a little kid hiding in my room and crawling into God's lap over and over and over again. I felt very overwhelmed. I'll talk about counseling later, but one of the causes we pin-pointed as possible cause was that as an RA last year I was very emotional involved with a lot of my girl residents. While I loved that, it takes a toll. There was also a case where a dear friend of mine attempted suicide and I found her and that profoundly impacted me although I didn't realize it at the moment. Anyway, I was feeling overwhelmed to the point where I didn't want to come out of my room. Everything about me that I held to be true - being joyful, happy, kind, gentle, loving, social, outgoing, serving, being a confidante, mentor, ambitious - all those things had gone a complete 180. I was the opposite of everything I had ever thought I was and was worried those aspects of me were gone forever and I was going to be a cowering, scared little puppy-dog that felt like I was getting kicked in the gutter every day for the rest of my life.
God was teaching me some lessons that are going to stick with me for the rest of my life while I was in that season of loneliness.
Lesson 1: I met a nice boy. (Because we all know, I LOVE BOYS).
While that didn't end up working out what it showed me was that there were still problems from my last relationship that I wouldn't work out and let go, that I actually wanted to date again (it's been two years since I've dated anyone seriously), and that I was filling up my time with a lot of 'stuff' to avoid getting attached to anyone.
Lesson 2: I fell off the bed. That absolutely sucked. It happened during the first week of RA training - I jumped off my non-lofted bed, landed on a rain-boot and rolled my ankle so hard I had to go to the ER at 1 in the morning. Nothing is harder for me than giving up my independence and relying on others. Suddenly I had to rely on EVERYONE to do EVERYTHING from going down the hallway, attending meetings, getting in and out of doors and cars, carrying my food and carrying my backpack. EVERYTHING. And it SUCKED. But what I didn't realize was that God was using me being a cripple on crutches for a couple weeks as a baby step to teach me to let go of my pride and be able to ask for help.
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| Shout out of gratitude to Kyja (left) and Katie (right) who wheeled me down the hall in a laundry cart instead of letting me crawl, which I tried to do. You guys are wonderful :) |
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| Thank-you to Chris B. for being my knight in shining armor and being my best friend and hero - calling my parents at 1 in the morning, driving me to the hospital, braving the maternity ward to find a nurse when we couldn't find the ER, putting up with me in the ER for an hour and a half, carrying my back-pack, driving me to Walgreens and buying me a lot of Advil and ice right after they were robbed, and chauffeuring me around during training. I love you, so much. True bestie. :) |
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| Shout out to my FP Ben for doing basically all the prep work on our floor and helping me with literally everything I needed. I wouldn't have survived with-out you and you are my hero with a fro. Ben also washes my dishes for me sometimes - even when they are covered with mold. Can't wait for my "I <3 Ben" v-neck. |
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| Also I would like to shout out to my girl Sash-Fierce for being a crip with me during training after falling down the steps whilst texting. Glad we could drive around together while both crippled. And another scream of gratitude to S. Banks for being a doll and bringing me coffee and hanging out in the PRC with me in the PRC while my life sucked during train. :) |
So. Those two lessons are pivotal. God provided me the safety and comfort I needed in the season of loneliness where I didn't feel like I was strong enough to even talk to people or even leave my room. But while I was busy hiding in God's presence, God knew the time would come for me to come out of that comfortable spot of being miserable alone with Him and push myself to ask for help and address the issues I was going through.
This is where Hannah stops taking little baby steps and has to start taking giant leaps out of her comfort zone.
Hopefully if you stuck with this post to the bitter end there was something in there that brought a smile to your face, a chuckle to your heart, or assurance that it's okay if you identify with being in that spot of suck and loneliness.
Also: The word to take with you from that devotion was Sanctuary.
God is my Sanctuary.
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