Home-Spider-Home

There are some habits so ingrained from childhood that they still exist now, even into my 20's. This one in particular came from a particular traumatic event - towel shaking and spiders.

Every time I shower in the basement bathroom at home, I always shake the hell out of my shower towel before I use it.

Why, you might ask?

Spiders.

One time in my early teens I used a towel and there was a spider in it. I probably could use some therapy for it, but I'm doing my best to survive, therefore, I have developed the 'towel shaking habit.' Dear guests of our home - you are welcome because you better believe I vigorously shake all of the towels before letting you use them. You are welcome.

Anyway, a half hour ago I was downstairs plugging in my curling iron and I looked down and mere inches from my foot was a spider. A big one. I froze, because even though I like to think I am a courageous, self-empowered and self-sufficient woman - a spider will do me in, 100% of the time.

Normally I get help and make someone else kill it.

That dot was a spider, 45 minutes ago...

No, I am not kidding.

My brothers, mom, roommate, boyfriend, literally anyone but me. (Thank-you Nathan for sharing this with me and making me realize yes, it could be much, much worse....Spiders Flee Australian Flood)

Clearly, I had only two options:

Destroy the spider or risk it escaping while I ran for help and then knowing it was in the bathroom somewhere but not knowing where.

NOT IN MY HOUSE.

Not today, spider. Not today.

30 and Career-less

"What if I wake up someday when I'm 30 and still don't have a career?"

- Sam

An excellent question. I picked up my friend Sam from the airport a couple days ago and this was a part of the conversation we had on the ride back. We were talking about the next steps he is taking in his life now that he's well into his 20's, next steps for school, for relationships, careers. What came up was this statement -

"What if I wake up when I'm 30 and still don't have a career?"

I still feel a little bad because I got feisty when he said that because I had something to say and kind of jumped on him (Just kidding, I know he's okay - thanks, Sam!).

Here is what I said:

"I have a proposal for you. I propose that you already have a career. God gives you different assets to be a steward of at different points in your life and your career isn't based on what company you run or are employed by. Your career is to be the best steward of what you have, when you have it. Your whole life is your career, it just looks different in different seasons."


And that's all I've got.

**Sam, the next life-coach session I have with you, I just want you to know I'm going to charge by the half-hour. Plus mileage.

10 Things I Learned from Bryce Hasenauer

About three months ago I wound up stuck in a van next to this guy for an eight hour drive to Colorado. Little did I know that I was sitting next to someone who was going to be possibly one of the biggest influences in my life during my college career.

Anyway, to avoid getting sappy or something, this is my friend Bryce Hasenauer and he's pretty neat. Today he peaced out to head back to his hometown to pursue his next big adventure now that he's officially graduated.

The Adventures of Bryce and Hannah Begin!
REACH 2013

My philosophy about pretty neat people is that when I meet one and learn from them I naturally want to share that pretty neatness with other people. So, without further delay, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Mom and my little sister Carol, I present you with "10 Things I Learned from Bryce Hasenauer."


1. Dream big, dream constantly

This kid has to be the biggest dreamer I've met since my Dad. It doesn't matter if it's realistic or not, just dream. All the time. I thought I was a dreamer but after meeting Bryce and hanging out with him I find myself willing to dream about anything, anytime. The biggest part of this is that Bryce pointed out how many obstacles people make for themselves that are completely made up. Suspend your little "what if's" and you can dream so much more.

2. Look at the best in people

I'm a judger. Have been for years - I see people and automatically find myself dissecting them into things I like and don't like. Here's what I learned about Bryce - surround yourself with people who don't look for the negative in people, and don't tell others the negative things you think you see in people. There is so much potential and awesome in everyone - focus on that, don't waste time or a possible friendship by thinking someone sucks. They probably aren't that bad and are actually pretty neat.

3. Be kind

This is sort of a summation of #2 and #4. Bryce genuinely cares about people and it's hard to hang out with someone who is so nice to everyone and not get that nicey-nice crap rubbed off onto you. Observing this has made me hyper-aware of my interactions with people and how even simple interactions can show someone kindness.

4. Help anyone

I noticed this way back in October on REACH retreat (the place we went on our eight hour ride to) when I saw Bryce cleaning a bathroom. If you watch him, he is constantly helping people - it's so subtle you wouldn't think twice about it. Whether it's physical labor (cleaning a bathroom, hanging Christmas lights, whatever) or through his words (also one of the most encouraging people you'll probably ever meet). Constantly be willing to build people up by helping them -  in word or deed.

5. Have fun

In the spirit of #5 - I got the coolest Christmas present
ever from Bryce. I've been playing Arrow alone in my
house for the last hour.

Work hard, play hard. Be able to have fun like a little kid, smile constantly and enjoy doing life, because it is a fun thing. This is also neat to watch in Bryce when he's in a stressful situation. For example, one time we were hanging up some Christmas lights and the lady didn't really know what she wanted, the lights didn't go where we wanted, and it was freezing cold. Bryce just keeps it light - why get upset about something silly, even if it's frustrating - dwell in the fun of life.

6. Let who you are be how you act and you will naturally shine

I catch myself doing the opposite of this sometimes - getting a little caught up in acting how I think others are perceiving me/want me to be. Thinking that my natural talents and personality are flawed and unwanted and not worth much. I've learned a lot about this already and have worked really hard to be consistently, honestly me from situation to situation and spending time with Bryce was like a breath of fresh air, because he is Bryce all the time. He doesn't hold back his personality and to watch the way people are drawn to him because of that has been so awesome to witness.

7. Take risks

This goes along with dreaming. Dream big and don't be afraid of risks. Most "risks" are just stupid obstacles you've created in your mind, anyway. Think of them like an adventure.

8. Embrace and learn from failure

Going hand-in-hand with #7 - so you take a risk and it doesn't work out the way you wanted. So what? Embrace it, learn from it, value the experience. It's only a failure if you give up and don't learn anything from it.

9. Be willing to work hard

Bryce has a ridiculous work ethic. Everything I know about him has told me how hard work is a great thing and that he's done a lot of it. Dreaming is great, but the next step is doing something about those dreams and I've seen Bryce put this into action since day one of our eight-hour bus ride. Be willing to dream big and be willing to work hard to get there. Expect and thrive on hard work and doing work well.

10. Two is better than one

Think tanks. You might think you have some great ideas and you probably do, but being willing to share your ideas, hear others, and bounce ideas and critiques and feedback back and forth can take a dream or an idea and shed so much light on it. Don't spend your life trying to fly solo, involve others.


BONUS LEARNED THING!

11. Learn everything from everyone

Bryce is a talker but also a listener. When he talks to someone about something he doesn't know about, or even if he does, it is literally like watching a sponge soak up everything that person says. The kid thrives on learning. This has made me value what people say and made me so much more interested in learning from others, reading books, watching TedTalks, whatever to learn more just for the sake of learning new things.

To enjoy one of our most recently learned things you can watch this TedTalk and then go run down a deer. Barefoot. It's an Automatic Win, 100% of the time. :)

Birthday Philosophy: Feelin' 22 :D

Today is the day! I have been listening to this song for the past month in preparation for today. J

You may be one of those people who say things like – “Oh, I don’t really celebrate my birthday,” “I don’t need to have people know it’s my birthday,” “blah, blah, blah.” To all you birthday haters out there, I AM NOT ONE OF YOU. I love birthdays! I love MY birthday!There is no denying that I love the attention that comes with birthdays and also any presents involved. I’m also not that person who says – ‘Oh, I don’t need any presents this year.’ Of course I don’t need presents, but I still love them! For example, my roommate Sasha got me a fencing lesson to launch my 3-year-old dream of becoming an epic fencer, who isn't going to love 
that?!
Never have I thought to myself – ‘You know what sounds like a great idea? Deleting my birthday from Facebook so no one knows when I’ve completed another 365 day orbit!”

NOT ONCE.

I completely understand most people don’t remember my birthday on their own – you should have so many more things that take priority over the day I was born two decades ago. I don’t remember your birthday – thank you Lord for Facebook. It isn’t that your birthday isn’t important to me I just have other things that take a much higher priority so I don’t mind a little reminder!

Here is my personal birthday philosophy:

Every December 12^th is like my own personal Thanksgiving.

This is my 22^nd year on this Earth and looking back I have so many awesome things that have happened in my life to be thankful for and celebrate. Once I tried to make a chart with all of the

people I have met just in college and there are so many I got annoyed and had to stop. Also my marker died (the yellow is always the first to go).

I’ve met thousands of people so far and I can’t explain how you impacted me and played a role in shaping who I am.
thankful I am for all of you. You keep my life interesting, you keep me encouraged, and I want you to know that you are/have been a valuable, wonderful part of my life. Even if we don’t speak anymore, at one point in our relationship

God has spent 22 years growing me into such a neat person and has shown me some incredible talents and traits that have made me uniquely, delightfully Hannah.  I am a joy in His eyes (hopefully some others, too!) and darn it all if I’m not going to glorify my Creator and celebrate His work of art that is me at least once a year!

That is worth celebrating!

I will celebrate with enthusiasm until I'm so old my knees give out.

Then I will lie in bed, throwing sprinkles and glitter at passers-by.

Holidays-as-a-Single Survival Guide: Part 1

This holiday season (Thanksgiving, the three-month-long-commercially-promoted Christmas, and New Years) can be an absolutely magical time for couples. A lot of new relationships are beginning, a lot of engagements are taking place - wonderful things. I love love, in theory. At the same time if you are currently single (like me), sometimes all of the magical couple-y-ness can leave you feeling, well, a lot of lonely and a lot more left out.

#Foreveralone 

If you have a Facebook and are single, I can just hear you saying  - "Oh my gosh I know! EVERY TIME  I GET ON FACEBOOK someone else is getting engaged or _____ and ______ are 'in a relationship!' And if I see one more picture in the stupid snow of gross couples holding hands and freaking kissing, I'm going to delete my facebook and go get 17 cats and I mean it this time."

Granted, considering you are probably like me and checking Facebook happens just shy of 37 times a day, the 'every time' bit is a slight exaggeration but you know what I mean. It does feel like 'every time' I login, I see this:

And then this is your reaction (if you are single):

And then you send a snap-chat to your bestie that looks startlingly similar to this one:

You might even start thinking you hate love - you don't, you just feel bitter - these feelings, too, shall pass. On to what this is really all about:

"Most of the time, I love being single! But sometimes..."

How many times have you heard that or said it yourself? I say it probably just about every time I have a conversation with someone about romantic relationships (and my lack thereof). I've got some thoughts I've been working on for months now that I think I can finally share coherently with you. I've given this brief collection of reflections a quaint little title:

Holdays-as-a-Single Survival Guide

1. "Most of the time, I love being single! But sometimes...."

If you say this or hear someone else say it - that is okay. I'm going to re-frame that statement and I want you to look at it, think for a few seconds, and realize something.

"Most of the time, I love ___________! But sometimes...."

Dissatisfaction is normal. Discontent? People feel this all the time. People who love their jobs, love their spouse, love their kids, love their newborn, love their new puppy, love the stock market, whatever it is you will go through "But sometimes....." moments!

That is okay. I tell you this because no one ever really explained that it is okay to have "But sometimes...." moments and you need to know this now before you waste any more time feeling guilty or ashamed about it.

It's okay - embrace it, feel it, keep living your life.


Holidays-as-a-Single Survival, Lesson 1: Don't shame yourself for your feelings. 

It's okay to be a little sad or lonely - don't think that you have to be this "I'm single and loving it" person all the time. Now, I'm not saying you need to linger in these feelings forever and if you tell people your "But sometimes..." statement, some of them might lecture you about enjoying your singleness, what a blessing it is, blah blah blah, I'm not disagreeing with those things. What I'm saying is - you can love being single sometimes and you can dislike being single sometimes, too. Because here's a little secret - sometimes people love their spouses and sometimes they want to strangle them, too.

It's okay to be a "But sometimes"-er.

Journal in Review

In case you haven't picked up on this - I

like to write. I've had this blog now for almost four years (since college started and now I'm almost out...wow) and I've kept a journal pretty consistently since I was eight or so - there's a lock box in my basement that's full of journals.  I'm also pretty contemplative, hence why I've got an entire lock box of writing about myself.

Today marks the day that another journal is full. Always a little bit sad but also exciting because I get to go buy another cheap notebook and I'm a little nerdy about it. So in honor of the day, I'm going to share a few of the things I learned over the course of this journal! The journal dates from 1/17/13 to today.

For anybody who ever wonders if other people have doubts or wonder if they are the only ones who struggle with loneliness or questions - you are not alone. There are at least two of us. :) Here's a couple highlights.


1/17

Have I wasted my whole college career?
Have I impacted anyone?
I have no passion for anything - did I do college wrong?
Am I going to look back with major regrets?

4/10

"I guess where I'm really at is...I have a lot of questions and not a lot of answers."

Why am I here?
How do I know there's a God?
If or if there isn't a God, I don't really understand - how does hope work?
What am I supposed to be doing?
Have I been a total waste?
Do I always have to feel guilty and in trouble?

May sometime...

I wrote an illustrated book on 'Why I Chose to Minor in LGBTQ/Sexuality Studies"

6/1 (Living in Colorado)

"...woman in her heart of hearts longs for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. That's what makes a woman come alive." - Captivating

"Though we may fear the test, at the same time we yearn to be tested, to discover that we have what it takes." - Captivating

That top quote is why I came to Colorado for the Summer. Not to run away from anyone, not to "start over," not to hide from anything. I wanted to know that who I am is enough. I wanted to come someplace I know no one, have nothing - no job, no friends - and discover if who I am is quite enough. That I, Hannah, the woman that I already am, is enough - she has what it takes, just by being me.

6/16

I'm pretty upset because Aaron and I have broken up.

6/17

My mentor, Laura, gives me some of the best perspective on life I could have asked for. :)

"Where hides this joy of the Lord, this God who fills the earth with good things, and how do I fully live when life is full of hurt? How do I wake up to joy and grace and beauty and all that is the fullest life when I must stay numb to losses and crushed dreams and all that empties me out?" - One Thousand Gifts

6/20

I get pretty poetic and sappy.

6/30

- I hope I grow up to be half the woman my mom is
- Food net and my brother Brad have forever changed my perspective of homeless
- "Even when you're doing the right thing, you still get treated unjustly.'

God promises me restoration.

7/7

God plants the idea of working at Boys Town.

"If you are committed, passionate and feel you are qualified to take on a life-changing experience - please apply." - Boys Town

8/3

What has God been teaching me this summer?

- Wherever I go, God is there.Whether I'm in Nebraska or Colorado I am as close to God - nowhere on Earth can I have a "more" or "less" spiritual connection with Him.

- Don't think about walking away from temptation, don't flirt with it, RUN from temptation.

- I am loveable - easily loveable.

- I crave depth and meaningful relationships but struggle with communication and vulnerability.

- God never fails to provide for me.

- If I seek, I will find.

- God is full of adventures! :D

- Temptation and being temped aren't sins, but acting on them is.

Micah 6:8 teaches me what the Lord requires of me. :)

8/30

My Lord
Where would you want me to go?
Just across town?
Or a place where I don't know a soul
Just tell me where
and I'll hit the road
with no time to spare
and no heavy load

This verse from 'He Paid it All' by Brandon Heath becomes my mindset and prayer for my future.

9/3/13

"There is a fierceness in women that was given to us for a purpose. Getting time with your Lover is worth whatever it costs." - Captivating

I recognize that I am fierce and feisty and created that way.

9/30

I contemplate how to tell if I have a relationship, and what that looks like.

- We spend time together
- I listen, You listen
- Your opinion matters to me
- I tell you everything
- We do everything together
- We are constantly knowing each other deeper
- We know each other intimately
- There are no secrets
- We go everywhere together
- We talk about feelings - good and bad
- You influence my choices
- We fight
- We go on dates
- We love each other
- Spending time together is valued and important

10/20

Lord, I desperately want Thatcher to walk.

10/28

THATCHIE WALKED TODAY!!

11/12

Your grace is sufficient for me.
You're my revival song.

12/3

There is nothing I need that I don't already have.

_______ isn't mine to hold on to.
(This is in reference to all the things that I try to cling to and give myself a sense of stability and predictability when my future is so unclear. People, things, ideas - none of those are mine to hold on to.)


"A great tree is both moved and unmoved, for it changes with the seasons, but its roots keep it anchored in the ground."

"Mastering a gentle and quiet spirit doesn't mean changing my personality, just regaining control of it, growing strong enough to hold back and secure enough to soften."



Well, 2013 journal. It's been fun, but I can't wait to see what the next journal is going to be full of, because I don't think I could even guess what is about to happen in my life. :)

Why Being Legalistic is Completely Pointless

"And how can we know the Truth? We must remember that the Truth is not merely an idea or a philosophy. The Truth is a Person - the Lord Jesus Christ. 

Jesus did not point men to a religious system; He pointed them to Himself.

True freedom is found in a vital, growing relationship with the Lord Jesus (the living Word of God) has revealed Himself in the Scripture (the written Word of God).

If we want to know Him, if we want to know the Truth, we must devote ourselves to the reading, study and meditation of His Word."

- Nancy Leigh DeMoss (Author of Lies Women Believe)


Alright, so at the risk of sounding like a Biblical scholar (I'm not), I'm dipping my toes into some apologetics for a couple minutes.

Legalism: excessive and improper use of the law
  ("Law" - 10 commandments, laws about holiness found in the Bible, etc.)

In Christianity, this often shows up in three common ways:

(1) Person attempts to keep the Law in order to attain salvation

(2) Person keeps to the law in order to maintain his salvation

(3) A Christian judges other Christians for not keeping certain codes of conduct that he thinks need to be observed


Let's clarify - rules and laws and boundaries are all well and good. It's important to follow them to protect ourselves and others. But here's the basic problem with being a legalistic Christian: it's easy to get hung up thinking that the Truth is a combination of doing the right things:

- Read Bible
- Pray
- Church
- Do everything 'right'


When really, the Truth isn't a list, it is a person. Doing those things - reading your Bible, praying, fellowshipping with other believers - those are all really important to growing your relationship with Christ, but the fact is those are supporting things, not the actual Truth.  A little abstract to put together, maybe yes. But it is so vital that you understand that doing all of those things isn't 'Truth.'

If someone gets caught up in executing a checklist to achieve 'Truth,' they are simply wasting their time trying to create an idea they have of what truth is. Legalism is built off of personal conviction - this puts their faith in terms of what they do directly effecting their being saved and staying saved.

That, my friends, is not Truth.

"To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free...So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." - John 8:31-32, 36

"Thomas said to him, "Lord, we don't know where you are going, so how can we know the way? Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really know me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him."
- John 14:5-6

**Sidenote: Don't try and pull that "This happened forever ago, the Bible can't even be considered in a contemporary society, so the whole truth thing has changed." Go look up Hebrews 13:8. Do it.


The Truth is that Jesus sets you free and gives you salvation, and He doesn't take that away. You can't do anything to earn the Truth - it is a free gift to you. And nothing you can do (or not do) can "lose" your salvation - that is the Truth. That is Jesus.

And that is also why being legalistic is completely pointless. :)

Happy Monday!


(For a little more on apologetics and legalism, you can check out this website where I got some of my definitions from. :) What is Legalism?

Also this Youtube video is an excellent investment of two minutes and fifty-seven seconds of your time. :)

Jesus Christ Offers Freedom From Legalism

Let's Say that Hypothetically My House Just Burned Down...

The last two weeks have been wrapped up in 'what am I going to do when I graduate,' in case you haven't picked up on that.

Today during church, God flipped around how I was looking at it - because as usual, I was looking at it wrong. :)

Nothing I have is mine.

Not my clothes, not my dishes, not my food, not my friends or family, not even my own talents or body. Girl say whaaaat? I worked hard to earn my money and spend it on MY THINGS.

But everything I "have," isn't mine. It's God. He's given me things to manage - that's where stewardship (something I've been thinking about all semester) comes in. All of the things I have been blessed with are for me to invest in others with for God's kingdom - my time, my talents, everything I have.

My future falls in there, too.

I want to be a therapeutic mom someday (I'll explain that in detail to y'all...someday). Sometimes kids with RAD (the kids I want to live with me) do things like...burn down buildings, hurt animals and other people, and it is a plausible possibility that the children I take into my home could sexually or physically abuse my own children (unfortunately and heartbreakingly, these things happen).

Everything I have is not mine - not even my own children (someday) or husband or home.

So I've been thinking - let's say someday one of my crazy children burns down the house.

What would I do if my house burned down and I lost all of "my things?" Would that be the end of my life?

No. I'm merely managing what God gives me, when He gives it. There is so much peace in that - knowing I don't have to create things for me to manage or worry about a job or a future because none of it is mine. I'm just a steward and manager of what God's given me.

That seemed a lot more mind blowing in my...mind, BUT I wanted to share it! Because it was pretty neat for me to think about that and it's restructured basically everything for me in 24 hours.

Also I hope you thought from the title that I actually burned my house down because I like giving people baby heart attacks. Okay byeeeeee!

Sometimes You Just Have to Suck it Up and Wear Wool Socks

This Monday came in like a wrecking ball.

Let me give you a lead in. Last night I went to Pla Mor (reluctantly, but I was enticed by some lovely friends) and was not in the best of moods - this last week has been a little bit trying. The third dance in and I got drilled in the face by my dance  partner's elbow, and I mean drilled. At this point I knew that the next week was probably going to go really  well, as my eyes were watering and I was checking to make sure I hadn't broken my nose.

Bright side, it wasn't broken, but today it is definitely swollen. These things happen, and now I have a great story and a dance partner I will never forget. Pla Mor shuts down around midnight so I headed back to my car to go in search of ice and some Advil. I was a few minutes out on the road when I saw a car make the inevitable U-turn and pull up right behind me.

At 12:07 on Monday morning I was getting pulled over. I'm pretty sure the cop could tell by the resigned way I handed over my registration and stuff that I was maybe not having the best of nights.

"No, officer, I haven't been drinking."
"My headlight is out? Wonderful. Thank you for letting me know."

I would really like to tell you I got up this morning overflowing with radiant happiness, exuding nothing but God's graciousness and love for humankind but that would be a lie. I woke up crabby, my face hurt, and I really would rather go home and watch The Carrie Diaries and Arrow all day by myself. That's the truth.

Oh. And the espresso shot in my machiatto? Burnt.

I did force myself out of bed and curled up on the floor with my Bible for a little bit because I was like, "Lord, I'm going to punch someone if I don't hear some truth from You."

Here's the truth I'm going to share with you:

- My (and your) circumstances will not last forever. They might suck, there's no denying that. But they will not last forever.  Maybe for months, years, maybe your whole life, BUT

- A lifetime is not forever. Forty years might seem like forever, but on the radar of eternity it is just a blip.

- Even if sucky circumstances last my whole lifetime, they will not last for eternity.

- No matter the circumstance, God's grace is sufficient. Always.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
Romans 8:18

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

Psalm 30:5

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

So as today and the rest of the week progresses, I can't guarantee I will necessarily "feel" the truths that I know. But darn it all if I'm not going to abide in those truths. And wear wool socks - because those are like hugs that last all day and sometimes that is the best you can do on your own strength.

:) Happy Monday!

Authentic, Worship, Continual, Depend

Things I love: themes and sub-headings. 

Things I also love: sharing my thoughts with you without having to actually talk with people. Not that I don't love people, it's just easier to be more concise this way.

Conclusion: I'm going to combine those two wonderful things into one for you right now. :)

What I've got going on right now is two main themes for my life:

Stewardship & Intentionality

then to really apply those in my life, I've got four beautiful, beautiful categories which I've turned into sub-headings because organization is a beautiful, beautiful thing:

Be Real

God at the Center

Pray continually

Dependent

And for the sake of aesthetic appeal, I've organized those four sub-categories into these wonderful little note cards:

I've struggled with being authentic most of my life. Who hasn't, right? It involves me being constantly aware of myself, my intentions and motivations behind thoughts and actions and a constant questioning of what I'm doing - am I doing this for the sake of how others might perceive it? Or am I being completely real in this moment, with this person, with myself and God. A big part of that has involved me learning to be a good steward of my time and being intentional with my time to relate with other people. I am a highly-trained time-waster, and one of the most obnoxious and testing parts of the last year of my journey in life has been God getting me to look at my life and weed out things that honestly don't matter in the scheme of His kingdom. 

"A true person of prayer simply and sincerely bows before God and pours out the contents of his or her heart. While this is not always the most natural or easiest thing to do, it is exactly what God is looking for."

I'm not called to be a pretender.

God has had to do a lot of wall-breaking down for me to even be able to be honest in communication just between the two of us. For me to be honest about my thoughts and feelings out loud to the Lord is hard, even though I know he knows what I'm trying to say better than I do. It's part of being honest enough with myself to say - I need help, this sucks, I hurt, I'm happy, I like this person, I'm terrified about...whatever. And that openness definitely translates into my relationships with others - the more I'm honest with myself and understand that my inner thoughts and desires don't change how God loves and sees me, the easier it is to be open and share about those thoughts and such with others. 

This goes hand-in-hand with being authentic. While I'm being real and intentional with others, am I constantly aware of God's hand in that? Who am I giving the glory to? 

I like talking about the neat things I see God doing. Since I'm an undercover introvert, I spend a lot of time being introspective and I suppose you could use the term "worshipful" when I observe people, nature, anything I think is beautiful. I see beauty literally everywhere. And I love, love to carry on a constant stream of praise -

"Lord, you did awesome on that."

This one is a tricksy one. I love praying, but it is definitely not always my go-to in each moment I live. During REACH, I went to a little session about habits and I think prayer is very much a developed one. Me being intentional and constantly being a good steward of my time by being in constant prayer with the Lord is a big deal! It shapes my day, my life, my reactions to everything.

In my Bible study small group, we talked about circumstances and control. I'm an out-of-the-closet control freak and when I can't control things I can get a little frustrated and freaked out. The most recent example would be last night dancing - I like to lead and be in charge and do things myself and dancing requires me to follow which is so, so hard. So to all my dance partners who tried to lead and then I froze up or just turned your moves into complete, graceless chaos, you tried, I tried, try, try again next week. :) My apologies for being like a baby giraffe on ice. 

So what we talked about in small group was - Do we have control over anything,really?

"God provides us with several breaths per minute. Our hearts beat 55+ times per minute. Our brains work continually. We eat or sleep or study or work or play 24/7...if we are aware that every moment of every day God is the source of all we have, our whole existence will be a continual prayer of thanksgiving and praise."

What I have decided is that I have no control over circumstance and situation what. so. ever. Zero. The only thing I have control over (as long as I am in control of my faculties) is my reactions to those circumstances and situations. And those reactions have to be developed. That's why continual prayer is so important.

Part of me praying constantly with God is me having to be aware of myself trying to take control of things - If I'm focusing on God, it's easier to relinquish a little control (and by "relinquish," I mean He has to pry it from my cold, dead hands before I'll give it up..) But as soon as I quit focusing on God, off I go trying to manipulate situations in my life to maintain a facade of control.

Following right behind giving up control comes being dependent. Like dancing with a partner, I struggle to depend on others and God. I like to be 150% independent, I hate letting people pay for things for me, I can get the door myself, and I do not need anyone to 'take care of me,' thank you. 

Except, darn it all, that I do. It takes a lot to admit that, and God had to take me through absolutely sucky circumstances to begin to even open me up to the idea of dependence. I wasn't designed to be 150% independent - neither were you. I'm just telling you the way that it is. 

Out of these four little areas, this one is definitely the hardest one for me but God makes the neatest (and most drastic) changes in me through this.

"The wiser course of action -  the one Nehemiah chose - is to recognize how needy we are and how generous God is. Humility -- admitting that we need God's help - will drive us to prayer."

And if I try to run, God tackles me and wins. Pretty much all the time.

Blessed to be Stressed

Mind BLOWN

I recognize that it's 12:23 AM right now and I should be sleeping. Somehow I managed to procrastinate/forget that I have two exams this week (one tomorrow, one Tuesday) in addition to my project and class unit (both Tuesday) and a paper (Thursday) due, too. Oops! I've been studying and working for the last six hours straight and was fitting in a quick quiet time before I went to sleep and God completely restructured how I was looking at my situation.

Before: feeling a little bit stressed out, "woe is me," about all the homework and exams to get done between work and trying to fit in seeing people I made appointments with this week.

After: I was journaling (reflecting on "Help Me Find It" by Sidewalk Prophets) and all of a sudden I was like....God, I am so thankful that I'm here at UNL. Not everyone gets to go to college, not everyone gets the privilege to be stressing out about grades and school. Also, not everyone has a job to stress about going to! Not everyone has as many wonderful friends to visit with throughout their week! And also, I am so glad I didn't get homework done sooner this weekend because I had my little brother and sister and cousin in town, and I'm so thankful I have a family to see and love (even if it means a couple late nights this week!)

Suddenly, I'm thinking - I'm completely blessed to be stressed! I'm sorry if that sounds like a church-y cliche, but I don't know that I've ever looked at my schooling or circumstances like that before and it's completely blowing my mind a little bit (combined with it now being 12:28 and I've had a lot of coffee in the past few hours).

12:30. I'm ready to enjoy the blessing that is sweatpants and my bed, now. Good
night!

Christmas Lights and Date Nights :)

Your love is extravagant.

This concept has been all over my heart the last couple weeks and I want to share that with you. God's love is extravagant. What in the world does that even mean?

You know, I'm not exactly sure. It's so big and my concept of love and extravagance is so small that it's limiting my understanding. But I'll share what I've come up with in the last month. :)

This is a process of me being introspective, mostly about my past. Like you, I've made what you could consider to be a fair amount of mistakes (and by 'fair amount' I mean a lot). I get really hung up on those stupid things even though they are in the past and get into a cycle of - I can't believe I did that, if anyone finds out what I did they won't want me, I don't know why God still wants me knowing all that dirt in my past. Everything about our culture and my human nature says - because you did 'x,' you now have to suffer 'y' as the consequences. For me that 'y' is someone hearing my dirt and thinking it would be a much better idea to exclude me from their life.

My guess is that some of you have experienced that exact phenomenon (I certainly have) of being abandoned or phased out of someones life (a significant other, parent, friend, etc.) after you disclosed something about yourself. That hurts. And that's where I get hung up on - God loving me even knowing all those terrible things about me! He doesn't hold up to the norm, He doesn't abandon or reject me because he loves me, and that exceeds what is reasonable in my mind. Like, whaaaat? WHY.

And here's the part that really just blows my mind - is there's more outside of that whole forgiving me, overlooking my past and my shame and all that. I catch myself all the time looking at me as a project and start thinking God must see me like that too, like He's sitting around watching me, taking notes and thinking - "Hm, here's how we can improve this and then we can try and fix that." He doesn't sit around focusing on 'fixing' me, like I sometimes do. He just wants to relationship with me! WHAT? Why would you want to spend time just hanging out with me?!

So anyway, there's not really a huge point to this post except to say that relationship is neat. And awesome. I like to be all sneaky and have date nights with just me and God where I can silence my phone and be away and alone from the world and just be with God. I've created a little nest next to my bed and I've got these super cute Christmas lights I turn on so it's just me in a little Christmas light, blanket-nest world (and sometimes my house-slippers) and I turn on this song - Your Love is Extravagant - and just bask in it. It's actually sort of becoming a problem (not really, but almost) because I've passed out on my floor a couple times whilst basking, it was just so enjoyable in my little
blanket nest of lovely wonderfulness.

Anyway, I strongly encourage blanket nest worship (coffee adds an extra-special touch - especially pumpkin or cinnamon flavors) and spending time reveling in the extravagance of God's love. Don't sit in your nest and reflect on all the things you've done wrong and pray - "Oh, please fix this" - you can do that, but for 15 minutes just bask in being loved extravagantly and pray for God to speak to your heart more about what that  really means.

**This version is by The Almost (whom I love), but for those of you who like a little more spontaneous, even quieter worship music, I think this version is even more romantic-y feeling. Your Love is Extravagant - Darrell Evans.

Let's Talk About S-E-X

This is just a guess, but seeing the title of this blog post probably evoked a lot of different reactions from all of y'all (I've provided some gifs to the right that might help you identify how you feel). That's okay - talking about sex does that to people. Depending on a lot of things - how you were raised, what you believe, your personal experiences - there's a whole gamete of influence on how you feel about all things sexual.

I minor in Women's and Gender Studies and Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual/Transgender/Queer Sexuality Studies so I talk about and study a lot of these things...a lot. Here is what I'm finding out more and more about Christians - we do not talk about sexuality or sex very much and if we do, it's usually super, super awkward. You may or may not have heard at this point in your lives about "The Feminist Pespective." Many of you probably cringe or roll your eyes and mutter "feminists" under your breath which I accept. I'm a feminist, a Christian, and also someone very interested in sex and sexuality.

Hold up, girl say what?!

If you are a mom (I know my mom reads these, soooo...), a dad, an adult, a youngster in your teens or a mid-adult in your twenty-somethings, some of you were just like, you can't talk about this! It is not okay to talk about these things! Others of you were thinking that an intersection between being a Christian means you can't like sex or anything sexual.

Calm down and stop jumping to conclusions and judgments and what-have-yous. This blog isn't going into too much depth yet, look at this as a preview of posts to come.

I'm trying to lay some basic ground work with you and open up your thoughts and maybe even some conversations.  Here's what I'd like to introduce you to right now, maybe these are new ideas, maybe not. Just consider them:

1. Sex is not a bad thing.

2. God created sex as something to be enjoyed, something pleasurable.

3. He also created boundaries for sex, because like any good thing, sex can also be used in the wrong way and there are consequences for that.

That's a good start to think about.

If you are a young women (men I would speak to you, but you aren't really my specialty so I'm going to leave that to another man) I want to say this to you:'

I am sorry that you are growing up in a culture that tells you that you need to be sexy and that a lot of your value comes from that. I am sorry that you walk down streets and men think it is okay to whistle at you, stare at you, or make other comments about your body. I am sorry that you have been told to "remain pure" with an unspoken threat of - "because if you don't and you blow it, you aren't valuable anymore, you are damaged goods." I want you to know that sex does not determine your worth. Your past and present do not determine it, neither does your future. You have already been given value of indeterminable worth by Jesus Christ and nothing you have done, are doing, or will do tarnishes that value. EVER. I'm sorry that you are immersed in a culture that raises you to present yourself as a sexual object and then that same culture criticizes you and attaches labels like "slut" if you conform to those standards or expects you to walk away unharmed in a world where sex is treated as casual. You have been lied to, wounded, and I want you to know that there is more and this is not how God designed you to be treated. There is more. We will talk about this more because YOU NEED TO KNOW because NO ONE HAS TOLD YOU.

Alright! Groundwork laid! If that has your interest piqued and your heart primed to read more, here's a couple resources I'm working through that are helpful for me to understand what I'm going to try and write about more. Especially if you read this and are thinking - not another purity talk, it's a little late for me now - you really need to hear this.

Here's an excellent book:

Sex and the Soul of a Woman
- Paula Rinehart

Fact: My Dad gave my older sister and I this book three or four years ago and said he would pay us each $100 to read it and talk about it with him. I have not read it until about a week ago, so Dad, get ready to pay up. :)

Also I love the book but want to throw up on the cover.

These three conference sessions are SO GOOD. Especially if you have been exposed to feminism, gender roles, etc. You will love this. There are three talks about an hour or so long and they are SO. GOOD. 

 Click here to listen to Radical Womanhood provided by Coram Deo Church in Omaha, NE.

Paul was a Total Sass-Pants

Let's be real - Paul would never have
been caught dead in these stripes..

Paul, as in, the Apostle Paul? I think he was a total sass-pants and I love it. I've been thinking about this for a couple weeks (ever since I posted Bananas Suck) to figure out what I like so much about Paul and I've figured out that this is it:

Paul does not change from before he has an experience with Christ.

Okay, let me explain that. I don't mean that he wasn't changed by Christ- he definitely was!

What I mean was, Paul did not change his personality.

He understood (something I still sometimes forget) that God has created him in a specific way, he was a sass pants before (outspoken, confident, a loud-mouth, passionate, zealous, etc.) he encountered Christ as well as after.

For me, it is really easy to think - "Okay, I have Christ, so now I should start to restructure myself and the way I act and my personality to fit what I think a Christian should be like."

False!

You and I, like Sass-Pants Paul - were each given a specifically designed personality. Embrace that - don't try and compare yourself to those around you but instead reflect on yourself and take a gander at the amazing, unique design that creates YOU.

**If you're wondering where I got most of my impression that Paul had a little sassy in him, I got that out of Phillipians, studying a little of Paul's life and this YouTube video - The Apostle Paul, His Life and Ministry Part 1 of 2**

Why I Love to Dance :)

One of my favorite things is smiling. It's the natural state of my face and I literally cannot frown - ask me to show you and you'll get a great laugh because I cannot actually get my lips to turn down into a frown. Anyway I was thinking on the way home from church about how much I love to dance. Particularly swing dance (if you tango or anything else fancy, are male and six feet or taller and want to teach me, please let me know) and according to multiple dance partners I must smile while we dance. A LOT. Possibly almost excessively.

Frowning is as painful as it looks

Anyway, I was thinking about that and I know exactly why I smile so much while I dance. It has absolutely nothing to do with the dance partner - not that I don't enjoy the person, there's just a bigger reason. I've narrowed it down to spinning whilst dancing that I feel so completely like a daughter of God - I'm delighting in the dance, and allowing myself to be delighted in. I feel that connection that I am God's daughter, a princess, and dancing and twirling is integrated with my views of princess life and I just LOVE IT! I LOVE being romanced! And dancing for me, regardless of who it is with is romantic because I have a connection with Christ through it. I'm getting all smiley just thinking about it. :) :)

God has really, really changed my perspectives about Him and I this Summer in showing me how intimately He loves and pursues me as a lover. A lot of that is through romance. I had to understand that true romance isn't done as a required part of 'love,' it is a - "Let me show you that I love you. This has nothing to do with you meeting my expectations, nothing to do with requirements, let me whisper to you that I love you and am doing this for you just to show you that. There is no catch."

Romance, like love, is undeserved.

This weekend I was out at a vineyard picking grapes and watched the sun go down over the vineyard while someone was singing love songs in the background. Whaaat? Can we talk about romance at its finest?! And then the next morning I watched the sun come up over the vineyard. Gorgeous. So gorgeous, and all planned for me.

This is a little bit off the beaten path, but still on the side of romance. I was thinking about this the last couple days as I talked with some friends about life and love and all that jazz.

No woman I have met believes 100% of the time (I battle back and forth with this constantly) that she is deserving of love and out of that, not deserving of true romance. I wish I could count the number of times that I have told another woman how deserving of love and a truly wonderful, loving husband and how any man would be truly lucky to spend life together with her. I hear myself thinking - "I completely believe that for this woman - what man would not want to call her 'mine'? - but then there is always a whisper in the back of my heart that says - "For her, yes. She deserves all the love and romance and devotion in the world - but not you." I honestly believe so many women feel the same way - that each woman deserves the love of a husband but in the back of their hearts there is a whisper that says- "They do, but not you."

If you read that and identified this, take this as me grabbing you by the shoulders and shaking that thought out of your lonely heart! You ARE deserving. That whisper is Satan trying to feed you a lie that for some reason, because of something you have done in your past or something you have never done and will never do enough of you do not deserve to be loved in a deep way, you do not deserve that divine romance your heart longs for. That's a lie. You are treasured by Christ in a deeper, more romantic and intimate way than your heart has ever known and he longs for you to know Him back in the way your heart aches for.

He is pursuing you relentlessly. You are loved.

Seriously though - this is pretty romantic.

A Church Burning

Zion Church burnt to the ground on June 9th, 2007.

Saturday is FoodNet day for me! I think I talked a little bit about FoodNet before but for those of you who are new it's basically a bunch of sites around Lincoln that stores like Trader Joe's, Panera, Super Saver etc. send the food that they can't sell anymore - it isn't bad necessarily, just past the 'shelf life.' I volunteer at a site and help set up and such and then anyone who wants to - college kids, homeless, single-mom, literally anyone can go through and get food. They don't have to be low-income, anyone and everyone is welcome. Waste not, want not. :) For you thrifty college folk - this is literally how I get the majority of my groceries and it is awesome.

Anyway! Today whilst working I was talking to two ladies who have been volunteering at FoodNet for years and they were remembering - "Remember that one Saturday that we had to move FoodNet across the street because the church was burning? We moved across the street into the park and kept handing out food we watched our church literally burn to the ground."

What!? Who are these crazy people who would keep doing what they were doing like everything was normal while their church was burning down!? I'll tell you! That building that burnt down? It wasn't the church. It was a building.

You know where the church was?

Across the street, handing out food to people who needed it. A church isn't about a building - it isn't about fancy windows or pulpits or organs or crucifixes. WE are the church - WE are the body of Christ. And I was extremely...moved by how obvious these ladies and the other congregation members (you can read more about it - I'll put some news links at the bottom of this post) knew that and lived that. Even when these two ladies talked about the fire, there was no sadness, no regret, in fact the one said - "I remember being so thankful that day because a whole bunch of younger folks showed up to help when we really needed them."

Remember that - your church isn't the building you worship in - WE are the church.

Read More:

NEWS: Zion Church Fire Started in Basement Kitchen
NEWS: Zion Church Growing in New Home After Fire
FoodNet Incorporation
10 Bible Verses About the Church

Bananas Suck

This is about two things: Something I HATE WITH ALL MY HEART and a lie.

Today marks the official  end of my first week as a nanny and I like it (sort of - more on that later)- it keeps me busy, definitely offers a lot of challenges (which I alternately hate but also thrive on), blah blah blah I can tell you all about that later or over coffee or the phone or whatever. What I really want to talk about from the nannying is the BANANAS.

I HATE BANANAS.
MORE THAN ANYTHING.

There is nothing good about them! Seriously! They LOOK gross, they smell gross, the texture is awful, the taste is worse, they also have those nasty stringy tendril things - bleh!!!! I can't eat bananas without gagging (banana bread is an exception sometimes) and in full disclosure I'm going on almost seven years without eating raw bananas. Minus one time two years ago I tried to force myself into eating one and liking it but I almost threw up, I might have even spit it out. I'm not kidding! Even in smoothies - I make the people substitute something else in there because a banana ruins an otherwise perfectly delicious drink!

Here's the thing about Thatcher - my little four-year-old I spend most of my nanny time with. He has some struggles and one of them is awful acid reflux and some developmental/cognitive delays which means that all his food has to be pureed and I spoon feed him most of it. He's pretty limited to fruit puree with protein mixed in so they put a banana (pureed) into literally ALL OF HIS FOOD. And he is a messy eater and food/spoon flinger so I end up being around bananas, feeding them, getting them on my clothes ALL. DAY. LONG. Sometimes Thatch also likes to put his fingers in his banana filled mouth and then GRAB MY HAIR WITH HIS BANANA INFUSED FINGERS. You guys - I had banana in my HAIR. My hair! I want to scream and throw up even just thinking about it.

That all being said, on to the lie. There are a few (okay, a lot of) things about my job and the couple I'm working for that have the start of what could be bitterness, anger, jealousy, apathy, a whole host of not so good things. There is a lot of potential for me to really water those seeds and encourage them to sprout and take over not just my job but my life. After the first full day on Monday I had a bad attitude about the job. And I mean bad. You might think I'm a sweet, usually happy person but it is not at all true. I would honestly say my personality is a lot more like a non-morning person who has been woken up by a morning person singing them a cheery song and bringing them breakfast in bed but ALL DAY LONG. I'm seriously a total crank with a bad attitude. The only reason that you haven't caught on to that is because I have to rely completely on Jesus to renew my strength and constantly be working and changing my heart and actions and thoughts so I don't kill people when I see them. :)

ANYWAY. So Tuesday morning I was at the kitchen table reading my Bible and such (still with a bad attitude from the day before) and flipping through my copy of 'Lies Women Believe' (which is really good, by the way) and stumbled onto Lie #36.

Lie #36 - If my circumstances were different, I would be different.

My reaction to Lie #36
because it was spot on.

Reading about this lie led me to Philippians 4:11-13. Something I struggle with a lot is being content (without being apathetic). I've always thought there should have been something in the Bible that covered that and I know I've read this section before many, many times but it didn't click until Tuesday morning while I was sipping my morning coffee through a straw.

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.

Me: HOW DID YOU LEARN, PAUL. HOW!?

 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

Me: I WANT TO KNOW THE SECRET! Is this FINALLY where the Bible

spells out what the magical secret is!?! 

I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Me: ......silence.....this is so simple, yet makes so much...

sense. How did I miss this for so long?!

- Paul the Apostle (a.k.a. Philippians 4:11-13), commentary by Me.

I drew this myself, FYI.

**Some background on this Paul guy - he wrote all this in a letter to a church while he was in jail being prosecuted. Whaaaaat?  What an incredible attitude! If you want to know a little more about this Paul character I watched a pretty neat YouTube video about it while I was brushing my hair yesterday. You can watch it, too, if you have lots of hair to brush as well - The Apostle Paul: His Life and Mnistry (Part 1 of 2)

THE LIE: If my circumstances were different, I would be different.

THE TRUTH:

• My circumstances do not make me what I am; they merely reveal what I am.
• If I am not content with my present circumstances, I am not likely to be happy in any other set of circumstances.
• I may not be able to control my circumstances, but my circumstances do not have to control me.
• Every circumstance that touches my life has first been filtered through His fingers of love. 

So there's that. If you identify, I strongly encourage sitting down with some coffee or other beverage of choice and your Bible and think about this and look at your life! Pray! Think some more! If you want to know if there's some other lies all up in your life, feel free to check out the other 39 lies in that book in a brief summary by clicking HERE!