"One Time I Was Depressed for a Couple Days."

Like panic attacks, if you have never experienced a lasting depression, one of the most frustrating things for those of us who have to hear is - "One time I was depressed for a couple days, but then I got over it."

I am not dismissing what you were feeling or denying that you were depressed, but there is a difference between a few days of depression that you pull out of and a few weeks, months, or years that no matter what you do you cannot shake. 

This video is one of the best I have seen that gives a peek at what living with depression is really like.

In the last two blogs I shared an interview with my friend Erica that focused on her battle with depression. Among a host of other things, she is also a gifted writer. On August 14th, 2014, she wrote this short piece about depression aptly titled, 'The Joy Thief.'

"Depression is a cruel joy thief. It takes everything you love, everything that encompasses a person, and replaces it with a horrific illusion of nothingness, that becomes a twisted view of reality. One starts to believe this new nothing reality, and suddenly the appeal to live life, starts to slip. Relationships cease to matter, motivation is laughable, getting out of bed is torture and you wish to spit on the ridiculous notion of “carpe diem. “  

Joy, not even a hint of it, is found in the everyday and slowly but surely, despair grasps the mind with icy hands and the breakdown of the psyche continues. Despair erodes the mind and eats the soul. It isolates you and screams “worthless, worthless, you are creation most vile, most despised!” The mind starts to feel trapped and isolated with mournful whispers of self hatred, and the dark refrain continues to sound, over and over. Solace is sought in insolation far away from the last remnants of light and love, and the tragic lie sinks down to the chambers of the heart and imprisons the soul. Everything is darkest night and there is no longer joy or love, or laughter, and hope is silenced. Fear, anxiety, and shame become your unholy wardens,and they only joy is theirs as they delight in beating you down, and feasting on your remains. Endless night after endless night, all is torment and agony, but then. 

Yes then, right as it seemed as if all that will ever be known is complete and total despair and brokenness, Love simply walked in. It has been there since the beginning, always whispering, but other voices were louder, drowning it out. So ever patient, it waited until the exact moment when the rending of soul occurred,because it is at that moment, that the heart becomes the most receptive. Love, in its perfection, casts out fear, and anxiety, and shame, it takes despair by the throat and breaks it, only to restore it to hope most radiant. It washes clean the festering places of the soul, where ancient wounds have been left to rot and poison the being. It returns joy and depression recedes to where it is a long ago, but intimately familiar nightmare. The mind clears and soul awakes to Truth and Light, and suddenly life has new and profound meaning. " 

- Erica Gordon

For more information about depression and how you can help, I strongly recommend this video guide about 'The Black Dog' put out by the World Health Organization.

The House With Open Doors: Meet Erica (Part Deux)

The following is the second segment of an interview I have conducted with Erica. I share it because I think it is immensely important for people to understand that being a Christian does not mean that one life looks like the next, nor should it. Erica does not fit the 'stereotypical Christian mold.' She has a story that will benefit many others in hearing. She loves Jesus, is genuine, is flawed, is beautiful.

Do you mind sharing more about your father?

When my dad is drunk, he is very cruel with his words. He was never physically abusive that I can remember, but his words were and still can be very biting. He would say things, and call me names that no one should ever hear, let alone his daughter.

I noticed earlier you did not mention your mother in the description of your family…?

My mom tried her best to keep the peace and hold everything together. When we were young, she would to keep us away from my dad when he was drinking, but that became harder to do as we got older and were able to piece together what was happening. When my sister’s behavior really started to deteriorate, she was constantly talking with people trying to figure out what the next step was or doing damage control with some of the after effects of my sister’s behavior. Often both she and my dad would have to rush to the hospital behind police cars, because she would have to call the police to come and restrain my out of control and raging sister.

Did that happen frequently?

Yes. They were quite traumatic.

Could you describe what an incident looked like? Were they all similar or were the incidents less predictable?

They would all kind of follow a same pattern, where she would seem to just snap and the next thing we knew she was going on a screaming rampage, complete with lots of throwing things, screaming obscenities, and things like "I hate you!" or "I’m going to kill you!" If you were unfortunate enough to be in her way, she would attack you, by grabbing any body part she could and scratch, bite, hit, spit etc. But the episodes grew progressively worse as she got older. There was one incident a few years ago, where she actually had a psychotic break from reality. When it happened, she started throwing heavy and dangerous things at both me and my mom, and she chased me to the upstairs part of my house, where she ripped pictures off the wall and threw them at me (she has surprisingly good aim!), then she pushed a cabinet over on top of me, and told me she would cut me and watch me bleed. As the police carried her away she screamed that she would kill us all in our sleep. She later told the nurses in the mental health ward that the voices in her head told her to do it.

Would you say that your family background has been influential in shaping who you are today?

Yes, in both positive and negative ways. For example, if I were to use one word to describe myself, it would be ‘Fearful.’ I am a very fearful person, and my home environment did not help me try and become fearless. It cultivated fear, because I was always walking on eggshells, I feared change, because change was very rarely positive, and to this day, I have a hard time living in peace because I am always, always waiting for the ‘other shoe to drop.’ I also struggle with depression, as a side effect of the trauma. But it affected me positively because it instilled in me passion for those with behavior disorders, and working on bringing restoration to those who come from dysfunctional backgrounds.

Another thing you and I have bonded over is Depression. Have you been given a clinical diagnosis?

Yes. My therapist first diagnosed me back when I was a junior in high school, then again a couple years ago, and then just recently!

What does depression look like to you?

Dark. So, extremely dark. I stopped doing the things that I loved, I never wanted to leave my room, let alone my bed, my thoughts took a very dark turn, and I just did not care about anything.

Are these feelings that last a few days...? Does this happen once a year, once a month...?

These are feelings that lasted months and months at a time. I think two or three years ago when I was diagnosed, I had gone without treatment for a year. I’m not sure how often depression will reoccur, I was depression free for about 2 1/2 years before being re-diagnosed.

If you are comfortable sharing, do you take any medication for your depression?

Yes, I do take medication. And I hate it.

Why?

Because I am a strong, independent woman that's why! But in all seriousness, I am a very independent person, and I hate the fact that I have to depend on medicine to make my mind better. I know that an illness of the mind is really no different than an illness of the body, you have to treat both to feel better, but it’s very frustrating. I have also been told that the reason I am struggling with depression is because I am not being dependent enough on Jesus. I know that is not true, but a part of me still tries to reconcile struggling with a mental illness with being a Christian.

How does being a Christian factor into this, or does it?

I don't know. I go back and forth about this. When I was in deep, deep depression, while I never felt further from God, I also have never heard Him speak so clearly and make Himself so known to me. It’s a paradox, but it makes sense. Because it is in the dark that the light is the most noticeable, that it shines the most brilliantly. It is because of this that in a way I am almost appreciative of my depression. It showed me Jesus in a deep and raw way, (this is going to sound so arrogant, I am so sorry!) a way that not many people get to experience Him. Yet a part of me still cannot help but wonder, why is that not enough? Why is it that some Christians, who can love Jesus and earnestly seek Him and turn their lives over to Him, still commit suicide? I think I want an easy, neat answer, but this is not an easy topic that can be wrapped up in a pretty package. It is messy and filled with brokenness, and God is going to work through it in ways that are going to transcend our limited understanding of Him.

I know that you have a few things to say about how churches deal with not only depression, but mental illness in general. Care to share?

I have many things to say. First I would like to say: How dare you? How dare you tell me, tell countless others, that the reason we are in so much pain is because we are not believing Jesus enough, or "casting our anxieties on Him," or whatever other well meaning, yet detrimental crap you spew. Until you have nearly kissed death, until you have felt the raging inferno licking at your mind, consuming your thoughts, felt the insecurity, the fear, you have NO RIGHT to tell me that I am not doing something right in my own walk with Jesus. The church needs to stop attaching what they believe is right in terms of mental illness, and saying that is how Jesus feels about it. I just said earlier that I had never been more aware of Jesus in my entire life, so clearly He is moving in very big ways in the area of mental illness. Just because we cannot understand it, does not mean that He does not understand it. He is restoring. He is un-breaking the broken.

If you could tell the church how to better treat those fighting mental illness, and specifically depression since you have personal experience, what would you say?

Sometimes there is nothing to say. Sometimes all somebody needs is to just know that people are there for them. Even though they may not know what is going on in the mind, they will travel this path with them. Tell us we are not alone. Depression, especially for an introvert like me, is very isolating. Even though we may feel very, very alone, tell us that we are not. Tell us we are loved, and valued and have infinite worth. Hold our hand, give us a hug, cry with us, be with us, dont let us go, share our pain. Sooner or later, we just might begin to believe.

What does your future look like, in the face of depression?

This is something I will struggle with the rest of my life. This is my reality, and as of right now I know how to handle it. It is going to be an adventure, or something.

How do you deal with that? Do you have support in light of your outlook?

Right now, it’s kind of exhausting to think about. I try not to think too hard about the possibility of passing it on to my future children if I have any, Its just...tiring and hard to think about.

El Fin

The House With Open Doors: Meet Erica

Originally introduced through a small group at church, Erica and I bonded over child care trauma stories, a caustic sense of humor and sarcasm, and on the way home from a retreat where we discovered our mutual understanding of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). It is now my pleasure and honor to call her one of my closest friends and also my roommate!

Erica is currently employed at a day-care but will be joining my team at Behaven in the next month as a Child Behavior Aide and also volunteers with the children's portion of 'Celebrate Recovery' through Lincoln Berean church. Erica enjoys long cuddles with large cats, excessive amounts of coffee and alone time, reading, sarcasm and contemplating the mysteries of life.

The following is the first segment of an interview I have conducted with Erica. I share it because I think it is immensely important for people to understand that being a Christian does not mean that one life looks like the next, nor should it. Erica does not fit the 'stereotypical Christian mold.' She has a story that will benefit many others in hearing. She loves Jesus, is genuine, is flawed, is beautiful. 

Would you consider your family functional or dysfunctional?

Definitely dysfunctional.

Would you mind explaining your rationale behind that response?

Of course! First of all, my dad is an emotionally and mentally abusive alcoholic, and my sister (who is adopted), has a whole host of intense mental disorders. Which in all honesty, is why I have to explain that she is adopted, because a) its the truth, and b) because I dont want people to assume that I share the same disorders. It's really shallow, and I am ashamed.

Would you tell us more about your sister? How old were you when she was adopted, how old was she? Were the issues you’ve mentioned evident prior to the adoption or were they unknown to your family?

I think we adopted her when I was three, and I think she was the same age (she is three months younger than I am). When we adopted her, we had no idea that she was going to have the issues that she ended up having. My parents were told that she could possibly develop a host of disorders that run in her biological family, but she was way too young for anyone to be certain.

When did the mental disorders start to become apparent?

I am not 100% sure, it was maybe around five or six years?

What did that look like?

My memory is a little fuzzy, because I was so young when it was happening, and I have a child's memory of it. But from what I remember and based off of what my mom has told me, the very first diagnoses came when she noticed that my sister was not meeting all of the developmental milestones that I was. I know each child will reach each milestone at different points in time, some sooner than others etc., but I think that my mom was concerned because she was so, so far behind. I remember one day that I was left with a sitter for what seemed like hours and hours, and in reality it was probably only like three hours max, but my parents had taken my sister to the hospital for some kind of mental health test. They came back home with her first diagnoses: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. After that I remember being very distraught because we had special "company" over it seemed like all the time. I would always be sent outside or to my room, while my sister got to play with all of these cool toys. I did not realize the the individuals coming over were therapists coming to work with my sister. I just knew that she was getting special attention from not only the therapists, but from my parents as well, and it felt like I was not important or valued as she was.

So the issues were all a result of FAS?

No. There were more, but they did not appear until I believe elementary school? Worsening in middle school.

What were those issuses? Did your parents have any idea what the root cause of them was?

The first to really cause a problem was Reactive Attachment Disorder. But my parents did not get a diagnoses until a couple years later, because RAD, at the time, was not well known. It still is not something that very many people know about, but more and more people are being made aware of it! Then after the RAD, and perhaps the worst diagnoses, was a severe form of Bipolar 1. Then at some point she was diagnosed with a mild form of autism.

"You Deserve It."

I spend all day fighting to un-learn the American dream. "America" says that we are entitled to, have earned and deserved bigger, better. Always more, never enough. I seriously hate pity parties but I threw myself one that lasted all afternoon. It was pretty pathetic, friends. Just because I had been up the night before late moving, a storm and crazed cat had encroached on my less than full nights sleep, and my kids were crazy, I suddenly was having these thoughts, and maybe you can identify, like:

"I deserve a break."
"Someone should really recognize all the hard work I'm doing."
"I have earned these kids respect and they should pull it together and stop ruining my day."

First of all, number two on that list is totally bogus because I receive constant recognition and gratitude for my work. No one feel sorry for me and think I'm getting ignored because I'm the furthest from that. Second, while I was eating lunch with a co-worker, she told her thoughts on getting birthday wishes telling her to "enjoy your birthday, you deserve it." What she said, while I wish I had changed my attitude but tomorrow is another day, has kept me thinking...

"Thanks for all the birthday wishes friends!! It was so humbling as I read all the posts and text messages. As I read the comments I was feeling so loved! A couple people had wrote on there have a great birthday you deserve it. As I thought about those words I realized nothing in me "deserves" a great birthday. I am a sinner simply just as broken as the next person. Yet God chose me, loves me, and gives me constant grace. See Jesus "came to give us life and life to the fullest" and I love that when he said that he didn't mean a new car, a huge house or even a huge amazing birthday party. But when he promised to give us life and life to the fullest he meant we can have endless peace, love, joy, grace and forgiveness! And as I sit and reflect on turning 26 I praise God for those gifts he freely chose give me!"

Talk about a change in looking at the world around you - I agree whole-heartedly with what she said, and thank goodness God put us on lunch together so she could remind me of that before I spent the rest of my week being and making those around me miserable. 

I don't deserve or earn anything, but boy, am I thankful today for a God that gives me unending gifts of love, joy, peace, patience, grace and forgiveness. 

ISIS, Robin Williams & the Power of Choice

I've been gearing up all week to write a post and blast people for being so fixated on Robin Williams. Please don't get angry yet, listen to my reasoning. In no way do I want to downplay the seriousness of depression, suicide, loneliness, his contribution to many of our lives. Honestly, I'm upset because all week long Facebook has been trending about Robin Williams, one person, and there has not been anything in my top three visible trends about ISIS. Nothing.

If you are saying - "ISIS?" - that is exactly my point. Maybe you haven't heard what's going on over in Syria and Iraq. Maybe you didn't hear about 'a big protest outside the capitol' a couple weeks ago. Google it, do something to teach yourself about what is happening. I'm upset because children, men, women are being beheaded and paraded around and yet, Robin Williams trends.

Beyond that, I'm not going to say anything else because I'll regret it. I try to avoid speaking out of anger and that's what I would most surely do. As you learn about what is happening with ISIS, you, like many, may find yourself asking - "Where is God?" Perhaps you look at Robin Williams and ponder his situation, his death, and wonder - "Where was God?"

An excellent question. One I don't know if I have an answer for, but as I was journaling, words found their way onto a page that seemed to make sense in light of that question. Since I have nothing else to offer you but my thoughts and words, I share. I offer no concrete why or why not, I do not claim to fully understand or understand at all. I will simply share and allow you to take it however you will.

"I see the hurt and terror in Iraq and Syria - and I wonder why. Why would You let people rape, behead, and torture others; children, babies, men, women. Then I realize that like Your love, free will does not discriminate. You let every one of us choose our own actions. You let us choose whether or not to love You in return, You do not force us to love or serve You, just as You do not force us to love others. We all make choices; I don't pretend to understand how or why people choose what they do - to love You or behead a child. All I understand is that we are all free to choose our actions. Just as we are free to choose our response to the actions of others."

So Your Children Make You Want to Rip Out Your Hair?

My roommate, Erica, also works in child-care and our snapchats
consistently look like this. 

If you are a parent or your job works directly with children all day long - this is for you. Read and be encouraged that what you are doing day in and day out matters.

Working at Behaven, I've decided this must be a glimpse into the world of parenting; you literally pour your blood, sweat and tears into a child, have conversations with them about choices, give them the tools to do well and then watch them look you right in the eye and completely blow it on purpose. Utter disregard for conversations and good choices of moments ago - the next thing you know they're throwing a cup of milk at your face, running away yelling "STRANGER!" and pointing at you and screaming that they hate you and you've ruined their life. If you have kids - you know. And if you don't know yet because they are still infants and can't talk - you will.

While that is all a bit disheartening (and also startlingly similar to how Christ loves us despite our constant stupid choices even as adults), take heart! Parents, myself, and those who work with children know that you live for tiny moments of breakthrough - maybe you see them use kind word or share a toy (something you've been practicing over, and over, and over for the last three years, and usually they just choose to throw the toy at the other person, anyway), perhaps they give you a hug and say 'I love you,' maybe it's something bigger.

Life is made up of lots of little moments, not one giant piece of a child behaving well. Besides? Where are the stories in little Gracie behaving well all the time? "Oh, today Gracie ate every single one of her peas again and told me she loves everything I cook, she also made her bed, only played with one toy at a time and then put it back before getting another one, and managed to change her own diaper!" No one wants to hear about little Gracie because she's a freaking robot.

Oh, right. The encouragement! Here we go:

He [Jesus] told them another parable: 

"The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the bird come and perch in its branches."

He told them still another parable: 

"The kingdom of heaven is like yeast that a woman took and mixed into about sixty pounds of flour until it worked all through the dough."

You are planting seeds, you are adding the yeast to the bread. You are growing them, and, like trees, it takes a long time and a lot of elements to nurture that growth. You are equipping that little piece of hell on two legs to be able to make good choices, healthy decisions.

Your job is not to make choices for a child their whole life, but rather to guide them and teach them that they have more than one choice to make and equip them with the wisdom to choose a good one - but ultimately, your child, like you, has free will to decide in the end what they choose to do.

But be encouraged! You are planting seeds that last a lifetime - so hang in there, drink some wine, share when your kids throw poop at you or stick rocks in their ears (You: Why did you stick rocks in your ears? Child: I don't know.) and be encouraged that you are laying a foundation for your child to build on.

Confidence

GREAT NEWS! We found a house! After an orchestration by God to bring together the four of us who are going to be living together, He has pulled together yet another miracle and after a month and a half of frustrating, pain-staking house-hunting - something better and cheaper was literally handed to us yesterday. 

There's no long story behind this post at all - yesterday before looking at this place I got coffee with two of my newmies (new+roommies = newmies) and Kate drew this portrait. We had some wonderful conversations, and while Kate drew, I wrote a verbal portrait to illustrate the process of being, well, illustrated! Once in awhile something comes out of my pen that actually sounds somewhat worthwhile, which is all I really had to pass on to you this morning. Thanks for bearing with me through two paragraphs of context. :)

To know your flaws and be fearless to expose them openly is confidence, not being confident because you are flawless.

Happy Monday!

A House With Open Doors

"If everyone knew who I really was, they wouldn't want anything to do with me."

I've thought it, you've thought it, I think deep down if we're completely honest everyone feels this way. If people knew all your secrets, who you are when you're alone, what you think deep down in your heart, what you've done in your past, what you're doing now that no one knows about - admit it - you think that people would reject you as too much of one thing or not enough of another. I struggle with this every single day. It is constant. 

The weird part is this - for some weird reason, I can completely accept that God knows all of that stuff about me and loves me unconditionally despite all that, but because people sometimes do love with conditions? It is really hard and scary to be honest with people sometimes. Like, stupid hard.

In the last couple weeks this has been a recurring theme among some friends and co-workers in our conversations. We feel insecure sharing ourselves wholly with others because ourselves are, let's face it, messy. There's no getting around it. I'm getting some new roommates here in the next month and we talked about this over the past weekend - we struggle with different issues. All of us have messy family backgrounds, all of us have messy struggles with emotions, our psyche's. We are all messy. We've been joking around a little about coming up with a name for our house, once we all move in, and one of the ones I threw out there was 'The House With Open Doors.' It digressed from 'The House With NO Doors,' because two of us work in childcare, but it turned into something deeper than a joke about tantrum privacy.

These ladies and I want to live in a house, in community with each other without doors. Without trying to hide or apologize for who we are and where we've been when there is no need to apologize for the mess. God has taken care of all of us before, in, and now after those circumstances. It is scary to share ourselves. But all four of us have learned time and time again that when we step out in faith to share those messes in our lives, God has blessed that. When I've shared about my struggles with depression, an eating disorder, porn addiction, relationships, when I've been real enough with people about the struggles I've gone through or am going through, instead of running people have opened up and been able to say - "Hey, I have a lot of struggles, too. Can I be real with you, too?"

But everything exposed by the light becomes visible -- and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. This is why it is said: "Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.

Ephesians 5:13-14

You are a mess. I am a mess. But Christ makes beautiful things out of the dirt, the dust, the chaos of our lives. He takes all those cracked pieces, all those dirty, damaged feeling parts of you and can put you back together and shine through you - it doesn't matter who you've been, it matters who you are. YOU are a child of God.

When my roommates and I share about our dark places? That is what shows. God. Healing, restoration, beautiful things out of horrible ones. That was not any of our own doings - if we had kept going the way we were to try and be better, to fill all the places in our hearts that were longing, were sad and hurt - we would still be in those same dark places, slaves to trying to fulfill ourselves.  We are houses with open doors by choice, and believe me, Christ shines through those open doors. I know you might be afraid to open your doors, but trust me, what's outside those doors is so much better than staying shut up inside. 

I don't know and I can't even, so I'll just let You.

I've been tranq darted. This is all I've got today, people.

Hannah Happytree

This is totally unrelated to the rest of this post, but I just got part of a strawberry
stem in my oatmeal and it was kind of a downer. Not a day ruining one, but spitting out oatmeal is disappointing for me and enjoyable for you to hear and picture. :)

Why am I not at work, you might be wondering? It's 8:54! You're right, normally I am already gone but this week my schedule is a little later so I've had to find things to do to fill up my morning a little bit. So far I've done all the dishes, cleaned my room (AND made the bed), done the laundry and pulled the beached whale cat out from under Sasha's bed. Twice (no small feat - the cat ways 23 pounds, people).

Here's me on Sunday, skipping church to do real life with
Jesus and enjoy Him out on the back roads.

That took an hour so then I was jamming to Rend Collectives 'My Lighthouse,' which I listen to so many times a day right now it's almost (but not quite) embarrassing. While I was jamming and doing a little writing I was thinking about all the stuff God's been teaching me through my life and I figured it might be worth it to someone to hear this:

I think I figured out the purpose of life.

I know that's a pretty big statement. But after a lot of reflection, I think this is it. When I was a little kid, my mom would read a devotional every day to us at breakfast. At the time, we children hated it but my mom was breaking ground and laying the foundation for building blocks in our lives - we just didn't know it yet. High-five, Mom!

Ramble, ramble, I just never get right to the point. No apologies! Okay, the purpose of life! I remember one line from a devotional sticking out to me and thinking - "I should remember this, I think it's important." The line was something like this:

"The purpose of life is to serve God and enjoy Him."

So technically, I didn't come up with the purpose statement, I usurped it. But there you go. Think about it. Your life involves two main people - You and God. It makes sense that your life purpose involve two people too - Serving God and Enjoying Him involves the two of you. You can put anything under this statement - serving others (because you love God and that's a way to serve Him), sitting on your front porch with a delicious beverage (enjoying God). You can break down your whole life into pieces that fit into that. Think about it. You'll see it.

SO Hannah Happytree. I prefer the term 'joyful' to 'happy' because I think it means more and is a deeper-seated emotion, but happy does roll off the tongue pretty nicely. Neither here nor there. I am constantly joyful because I embrace that God created me to serve and enjoy. I encourage you to dwell on that last part. I used to think that to truly be living for Christ I should be in a constant state of martyrdom (isn't that what dying to self means? spoiler alert: it doesn't!), and then Jesus showed me some stuff.

Try it. You'll like it. :)

Lovely Noise

The Overwhelming Urge to Communicate

Who doesn't have their technology vice these days? For my age group, it's more common for us to be in a relationship with our facebook/Twitter/Instagram account, our Pinterest, Snapchat, tinder, or Netflix account than with actual people.

It's exhausting! My brain hates me and I'm probably getting early onset arthritis in my thumbs and index fingers between all the snapping, swiping and typing I'm doing. I get so tired of 'responding' to technology - so many text messages, comments, and emails to reply to, so many calendars and boards to update. I think some people are getting frustrated with me because I've just given up and ignore my phone and don't respond!

Anyway, about two weeks ago my bestie Meghan, who is living in Florida instead of here with me bless her heart, and I were talking about how much we love 'stuff.' We even wrote a little dialogue and were going to co-blog about it but that sort of fell through...Because I was busy updating my Pinterest. Seriously, though. It's important to keep your 'Words of Awesome' board updated in case you need that perfect inspirational quote and the only thing around to help you is your best firend, Wi-Fi.

Hannah: We. Love. Stuff. WE LOVE IT. Like, a lot. New things, old things, free things, expensive things - we love ALL THE THINGS. But what we’ve started to notice is the more ‘stuff’ you have, the more your stuff can start to own you. Meaning it takes up more of your time than you have to spend on it! So for the next week we are going to look at all the ‘stuff’ that is basically a filler in our lives. We aren’t going to try and cut out our normal habits or reduce or anything, just take notes, take a step back in a week, and see what it looks like.

Here’s the areas we are going to focus on:

Meghan: Phone -  Ah, the phone, where to even begin. I use it to fill any and all “lull” moments in my life. Oh, you’re waiting for a friend? Phone. At lunch and aren’t feeling social? Phone. Bored? Phone. I use my phone more than any other electronic device. Pinterest, Imgur, Netflix, so many things to entertain me for hours. But to what end? I’ve pinned the best wedding in the world but I get so wrapped up in “pinning” ideas I don’t bother to go out and actually meet people.

Aaaaaaand that's as far as we got. But it has really made me think about the 'stuff' I use to fill my life and technology is right at the top. It's not even material stuff, really! It's stuff that literally only exists online! Think about your life - think about that! Talk about time wasting! I'm now appalled that I'm even using this computer for blogging instead of talking to someone in the real world! Just kidding, but kind of seriously.

Activity doesn't necessarily equal productivity, and I think I get so wrapped up thinking I need to 'communicate' using all these little apps and accounts that I forget that what I'm so busy 'communicating' doesn't really matter. Not in the scheme of things.

I want to de-clutter my life. I want it to be 'de-stuffed.' I'm looking at all the 'stuff' that I use all day and most of it is just me interacting with an object (often a screen). How sad and pointless is that? But I would rather recognize that now so I can work on changing it.

So. What's your 'stuff?' Are you in a more complex relationship with your facebook than you are with your real friends, your spouse, your family?

Reflections From the Hive

The time-out rooms at Behaven are not a fun place to be and if you're employed by BH, you spend a quality chunk of time in there, guaranteed. Being sworn at, kicked, hit, spit and drooled are fast become normal occurrences in my life. In the time-out rooms it is of utmost importance not to talk to the child or cater to them until they complete their time-out correctly - my attention is what they want, so depriving them of that is a consequence (for all of our magic parenting wisdom including time-outs I highly recommend getting your hands on Mini Methods or Madness).

Anyway, while I'm busy monitoring a child, there is a lot of time to be filled with thinking to avoid going crazy hearing high pitched screaming and being called more names than the dirtiest of rap videos for twenty, thirty, who knows how many minutes the tantrum might last. Who knew my new favorite (and most frequented) praying spot would be in the time-out rooms?

Prayers that started out - "Please dear GOD make ______ stop screaming and sit down already," "Please don't let that bruise, - changed as I started to realize that the behaviors the child exhibits doesn't mean the child is 'bad.' Everything a child knows is learned from someone, somewhere. God reminded me that the kid I'm focusing on is only repeating what they have been taught. The harder the child kicks, the louder they scream, the more inappropriate and offensive their comments, the louder came God's reminders that these kids are both crying out for help while trying to hold help at arms length in the only ways they know how.

As adults, parents, teachers, we are responsible for teaching the next generations - by being endlessly patient and responding out love to these children instead of out of anger and frustration, it might not look right away like I'm having an impact. But by teaching these children with love how to make better choices, showing them there are different ways to deal with different situations, they might be able to have better lives for the rest of their lives - results I will probably never see. God keeps reminding me that these kids are loved and valuable, exactly like me. Pretty sure that's what matters.

Two Thumbs Up for Employment!

Well, everyone - I did it. I made it through four years of undergrad and have officially graduated from the University of Nebraska - Lincoln!! I know it said on all the invites something about Boys Town in the fall and what-not, but that was kind of my 'well, if nothing happens' plan. The big news is....I got my (for right now, not for forever) dream job! For the foreseeable future I will be staying here and working with children at Behaven.

For these next few months I am a child behavior aide - we diligently work to help children change negative behaviors into positive one using rigid structure, consequences and abounding measures of love and patience. Everyone always wants to know what exactly Behaven is - the best way to describe it is the 'problem kids' you know of in schools, day-cares, etc. are the ones who come to Behaven. We work on behaviors ranging from being unable to focus and follow directions to more serious behaviors like aggression, spitting, etc. 

I love it. I am loving being employed full-time at a job that I am passionate about and challenged by! 

During my three-ish weeks of unemployment between graduating and starting last week I had a lot of time to just be and pray. A lot. There were many long runs and sits by the lake nearby praying, praying, praying. I've been praying for years that the Lord would use the passions he has given me and fit me into a job that uses all of that - plus, when I'm engaged in my passions I enjoy myself most. Who doesn't?

While I was praying - where am I going to go, what do you want me to be doing, I need a job, etc. - God was busy doing what he does best. Putting me right smack dab where He wanted me to be, when he wanted me to be and not a moment sooner. Let me show you a slice of the road map that got me to this job.

1. Becoming an RA in 2011, where I was on staff and found some of my best friends, including Miranda.

2. In the Summer of 2013 I run off to Colorado for two weeks to 'find myself.' I give up because I felt God telling me to go back while I was climbing up a rock. Had I stayed in Lincoln for those two weeks I would have been desperate for a job and found....who knows.

3. On the drive back to Nebraska from Colorado, Miranda hooks me up with a job and I'm on the payroll 15 minutes from hearing about the position.

4. Because I was employed for Summer, I didn't need to look for a Fall job until late August, where I found the Nanny position with Thatcher (2013).

5. Thatcher and I attended countless PT and OT appointments at Madonna, where I developed friendships with his therapists. They get to know me pretty well.

6. Discussing my plans for graduation I mention Boys Town as a vague possibility and one of the therapists asks me if I had ever heard of Behaven. No, I had not. This is how I found out about Behaven.

7. I pick up an application at Behaven and inquire about positions - at the time they weren't hiring but said fill out an app anyway. I was semi-disappointing, but if you spend enough time out at a lake praying, praying, praying, sometimes things happen - like peace. Sometimes peace is weird when your brain is freaking out about bills and life and you have no job, and yet, you have unexplainable peace.

8. Just after I get the application filled out a very close friend winds up in the hospital, which kept me in Omaha a fair amount of the next week.

9. After he recovered, the next day another friend got hit by a boat and that delayed my application drop-off by another two days.

10. I apply for other jobs and get an interview at a normal daycare (puke). I set-up the interview half-heartedly - I did not want to work at another daycare. Not what I was hoping for after earning my degree...Two weeks have passed and I figure, well...might as well drop the Behaven app off. I do so the day before my daycare interview.

11. During the interview, I missed a phone call. The phone call was from Behaven! They wanted to interview!

12. Long story short, positions were suddenly available. And here we are today. :)

God is good. Sometimes mystifying and difficult to understand and constantly more patient than I but ultimately He is always good.

The End.

Sickness: The Adult Nightmare

Oh, hello world. You look blurrier than I remember.

Too ashamed to show the carton itself...

I am sick. What started out two days ago as a baby sore throat got completely out of control yesterday and erased my voice so anytime I spoke I sounded like I was in the middle of a hysterical breakdown. I slept involuntarily for 12 hours last night and now I'm sitting on the couch with, I kid you not, the whole carton of orange juice and a straw and I'm watching more Criminal Minds than the most hardened of Netflix-bingers.

Being sick is not the part that is a nightmare. I can handle sore throat, sinuses that hate you, body-aches and what-not. The worst part is that from my spot on the couch I see THIS:

This is the doorway into my bedroom. It might not look that unsettling but to me, sapped of energy and stuck in the house all day not doing what I thinkI should do - "self-care" - and seeing all the things I feel like I should be doing around me is torture.

I look at this and I see:

- Unmade Bed
- Clean laundry (getting wrinkled SITTING THERE) needing to be folded and put away
- stuff all over the floor, and that isn't even the whole room!

I know you might be thinking - "Woman, just relax! It's one day! Just stop looking around, drink your juice and watch your Criminal Minds!"

On a conscious level I know that. I know I can relax and one day of being home not doing anything won't kill me. I don't have to clean my house, you'll notice all the dishes and unfolded blankets? Also you can't see the rest of the couch but I've given up trying to clean it off and I've just burrowed myself in with all the mail, magazines, remote controls, and crafting supplies.

But my brain, as fuzzy as it feels, thinks I should feel a little bad that my house isn't clean and I'm 'just sitting around watching TV and doing nothing.' I don't actually feel bad but my mind keeps coming up with all these other things I 'should' be doing.

Packages need to go to the post-office, visit a friend in Omaha, ride with my roommate this evening to keep her company while she drives a friend to the airport. Yet, here I sit.

And you know what? That's okay. I don't have to feel guilty, ashamed or any of that nonsense. It's okay to just be.

So except for a quick run to Hy-Vee for some more orange juice (and maybe to drop off a job application...maybe), I will be here watching Criminal Minds, eating crackers and not apologizing for it.

Stay healthy, people!

The Ants Come Marching....

Why The Church Makes Me Sad

I just watched a film documentary called 'Jesus Camp' and it made my heart...sad. If you want to watch it yourself it's on Netflix, I don't really want to summarize it. What I walked away with was a feeling that the children focused on in the film were being taught very strict ideas of what is 'right' and what God 'wants.' What stuck out to me was that throughout the whole film when children were being preached at or were preach-ing, no one smiled. The kids seemed genuinely distraught - crying, sobbing, really upset. They were being taught about all of this sin and the devil in their lives and at one point were literally told they needed to 'clean up their act.'

I have some problems. The big problem for me is, I was watching this and thinking, 'What God are they talking about?' Because the God in 'Jesus Camp' and the God I know? They sure sound like different guys. The God I know doesn't want me to clean up my act and then come to Him, He doesn't want me to cry and feel distressed, humiliated, embarassed, afraid, or ashamed every time I talk to Him.

The God I know is a God of grace and compassion. I know He is a God of justice, but if He was a God that gave us what we deserved, He would be the most hope-less thing I can think of. 

The issues of abortion and homosexuality come up constantly in churches. In a world that's already dark enough it makes me sad that the need to condemn most often outweighs the need to show compassion, grace, understanding and forebearance for one other.
 

Church makes me sad. Not so much the physical building we call a church, but 'The Church' meaning those who refer to themselves as Christians and part of the body of Christ.  I have an aversion to the building and people that keeps growing in me because I don't want to condemn people different from me. I'm not a judge and I don't deserve to be handing out sentences because I have a rap sheet longer than both my arms already. I need compassion and grace as much as anyone.



I don't want to kick someone when they are already down - it hurts their ribs and my foot and neither one of us is going to get up and walk away from that changed for the better.

People Are Beautiful

My Dad's always telling me that the biggest lessons you learn in college won't happen in a classroom, and he's right.  T-minus two months until graduation - college over. Naturally I've spent a lot of time lately reflecting on my last four years and thinking about the lessons and what-not that I've learned. The biggest lesson I have learned:

People are beautiful. 

One of my classic pass-times on campus (not as enjoyable without my creeper-in-crime, Meghan Johns, but I digress) is watching people because there is always something new because everyone is different. And difference is a beautiful, beautiful thing to me.

For as long as I can remember I have had this weird magnetic pull for random people to talk to me (one of my favorite things about me). I collect stories from people - a lot of the people I talk to I see once and will never see again, many times I don't even know their names they just....talk. Lives are beautiful and everyone has a different story and I am privileged that people are so willing to tell me about some of the pieces that have made up their own little life puzzle.

This is all at the forefront of my mind tonight because I met a random lady at my favorite coffee shop and we struck up a 20-minute conversation and she was so unique and totally different from me and just...it was so naturally, beautifully orchestrated. It's so refreshing and awe-inspiriting to realize how many people are in the world that aren't me.

Try it - strike up a conversation with someone different. Listen. I know it's natural to compare someone to yourself, but when you do that consciously recognize that it isn't to determine "who is better," but rather "how are we connected?" We aren't in competition with each other, we are in complement with one another. And it's beautiful.

Valentine's Cliche: I'M ENGAGED!

Valentine's Day is my favorite Facebook holiday. I'm almost ashamed how many times I looked on my feed to see all of the status's people were posting because I love hearing people complain and be cliche all within inches of each other.

Anyway, as you might have guessed from my blog title, I have some pretty big news from my Valentine's Day! Check out the videos to see for yourself what that big news is!

Happy Valentine's Day!!!! ;)

In case you needed a little clarification - I'm not actually engaged. That guy isn't my boyfriend or fiancee or anything like that - we are acting partners. This idea originated about a month ago when he and I were getting sushi and the staff clearly thought we were on a date. We decided to commit to our roles (we both enjoy acting) and sell our love, and then half way through the meal I whispered - "Let's pretend to break up!" Through body language and other subtle things, we definitely conveyed that the date had gone south and fast.

A week or so before the big V-Day, I texted my friend and asked if he had plans for the 14th. He did not, so I said - "Let's get engaged." It seemed like a great idea at the time!


On the big day we planned out three locations at a 45-minute strategy session, created elaborate background stories for each location and mapped out details. You may notice in the videos that we (unfortunately) have to kiss - neither one of us can say we enjoyed any of those and it made the experience slightly less fun. A word of advice: if you're strictly friends with someone, kissing them is seriously a terrible experience. We had to really commit to the roles.

Thank you again to all of the people who sent us videos, we appreciate you all and hope that if you ever find out what you witnessed was staged that you have a great sense of humor and still believe in love.

Happy Faux-Valentine's Day!