The House With Open Doors: Meet Erica (Part Deux)

The following is the second segment of an interview I have conducted with Erica. I share it because I think it is immensely important for people to understand that being a Christian does not mean that one life looks like the next, nor should it. Erica does not fit the 'stereotypical Christian mold.' She has a story that will benefit many others in hearing. She loves Jesus, is genuine, is flawed, is beautiful.

Do you mind sharing more about your father?

When my dad is drunk, he is very cruel with his words. He was never physically abusive that I can remember, but his words were and still can be very biting. He would say things, and call me names that no one should ever hear, let alone his daughter.

I noticed earlier you did not mention your mother in the description of your family…?

My mom tried her best to keep the peace and hold everything together. When we were young, she would to keep us away from my dad when he was drinking, but that became harder to do as we got older and were able to piece together what was happening. When my sister’s behavior really started to deteriorate, she was constantly talking with people trying to figure out what the next step was or doing damage control with some of the after effects of my sister’s behavior. Often both she and my dad would have to rush to the hospital behind police cars, because she would have to call the police to come and restrain my out of control and raging sister.

Did that happen frequently?

Yes. They were quite traumatic.

Could you describe what an incident looked like? Were they all similar or were the incidents less predictable?

They would all kind of follow a same pattern, where she would seem to just snap and the next thing we knew she was going on a screaming rampage, complete with lots of throwing things, screaming obscenities, and things like "I hate you!" or "I’m going to kill you!" If you were unfortunate enough to be in her way, she would attack you, by grabbing any body part she could and scratch, bite, hit, spit etc. But the episodes grew progressively worse as she got older. There was one incident a few years ago, where she actually had a psychotic break from reality. When it happened, she started throwing heavy and dangerous things at both me and my mom, and she chased me to the upstairs part of my house, where she ripped pictures off the wall and threw them at me (she has surprisingly good aim!), then she pushed a cabinet over on top of me, and told me she would cut me and watch me bleed. As the police carried her away she screamed that she would kill us all in our sleep. She later told the nurses in the mental health ward that the voices in her head told her to do it.

Would you say that your family background has been influential in shaping who you are today?

Yes, in both positive and negative ways. For example, if I were to use one word to describe myself, it would be ‘Fearful.’ I am a very fearful person, and my home environment did not help me try and become fearless. It cultivated fear, because I was always walking on eggshells, I feared change, because change was very rarely positive, and to this day, I have a hard time living in peace because I am always, always waiting for the ‘other shoe to drop.’ I also struggle with depression, as a side effect of the trauma. But it affected me positively because it instilled in me passion for those with behavior disorders, and working on bringing restoration to those who come from dysfunctional backgrounds.

Another thing you and I have bonded over is Depression. Have you been given a clinical diagnosis?

Yes. My therapist first diagnosed me back when I was a junior in high school, then again a couple years ago, and then just recently!

What does depression look like to you?

Dark. So, extremely dark. I stopped doing the things that I loved, I never wanted to leave my room, let alone my bed, my thoughts took a very dark turn, and I just did not care about anything.

Are these feelings that last a few days...? Does this happen once a year, once a month...?

These are feelings that lasted months and months at a time. I think two or three years ago when I was diagnosed, I had gone without treatment for a year. I’m not sure how often depression will reoccur, I was depression free for about 2 1/2 years before being re-diagnosed.

If you are comfortable sharing, do you take any medication for your depression?

Yes, I do take medication. And I hate it.

Why?

Because I am a strong, independent woman that's why! But in all seriousness, I am a very independent person, and I hate the fact that I have to depend on medicine to make my mind better. I know that an illness of the mind is really no different than an illness of the body, you have to treat both to feel better, but it’s very frustrating. I have also been told that the reason I am struggling with depression is because I am not being dependent enough on Jesus. I know that is not true, but a part of me still tries to reconcile struggling with a mental illness with being a Christian.

How does being a Christian factor into this, or does it?

I don't know. I go back and forth about this. When I was in deep, deep depression, while I never felt further from God, I also have never heard Him speak so clearly and make Himself so known to me. It’s a paradox, but it makes sense. Because it is in the dark that the light is the most noticeable, that it shines the most brilliantly. It is because of this that in a way I am almost appreciative of my depression. It showed me Jesus in a deep and raw way, (this is going to sound so arrogant, I am so sorry!) a way that not many people get to experience Him. Yet a part of me still cannot help but wonder, why is that not enough? Why is it that some Christians, who can love Jesus and earnestly seek Him and turn their lives over to Him, still commit suicide? I think I want an easy, neat answer, but this is not an easy topic that can be wrapped up in a pretty package. It is messy and filled with brokenness, and God is going to work through it in ways that are going to transcend our limited understanding of Him.

I know that you have a few things to say about how churches deal with not only depression, but mental illness in general. Care to share?

I have many things to say. First I would like to say: How dare you? How dare you tell me, tell countless others, that the reason we are in so much pain is because we are not believing Jesus enough, or "casting our anxieties on Him," or whatever other well meaning, yet detrimental crap you spew. Until you have nearly kissed death, until you have felt the raging inferno licking at your mind, consuming your thoughts, felt the insecurity, the fear, you have NO RIGHT to tell me that I am not doing something right in my own walk with Jesus. The church needs to stop attaching what they believe is right in terms of mental illness, and saying that is how Jesus feels about it. I just said earlier that I had never been more aware of Jesus in my entire life, so clearly He is moving in very big ways in the area of mental illness. Just because we cannot understand it, does not mean that He does not understand it. He is restoring. He is un-breaking the broken.

If you could tell the church how to better treat those fighting mental illness, and specifically depression since you have personal experience, what would you say?

Sometimes there is nothing to say. Sometimes all somebody needs is to just know that people are there for them. Even though they may not know what is going on in the mind, they will travel this path with them. Tell us we are not alone. Depression, especially for an introvert like me, is very isolating. Even though we may feel very, very alone, tell us that we are not. Tell us we are loved, and valued and have infinite worth. Hold our hand, give us a hug, cry with us, be with us, dont let us go, share our pain. Sooner or later, we just might begin to believe.

What does your future look like, in the face of depression?

This is something I will struggle with the rest of my life. This is my reality, and as of right now I know how to handle it. It is going to be an adventure, or something.

How do you deal with that? Do you have support in light of your outlook?

Right now, it’s kind of exhausting to think about. I try not to think too hard about the possibility of passing it on to my future children if I have any, Its just...tiring and hard to think about.

El Fin