20 Things Before 21

My birthday is coming up on Monday and a lot of thinking (just like with everything else I do!) has gone along with that.  I'm so incredibly blessed and amazed when I compare my life now to 365 days ago. The Lord has done a LOT of work. Something that has really stuck out to me is that people keep asking me what I want for my birthday, and that has led me to realize that I don't really want anything. I have some amazing friends that I didn't have last year, no boyfriend, a growing relationship with Christ - and I am SO happy. HAPPY.  

I love my life. I love where I am.

So what I am doing for my birthday is making a list of things I want to do in the next year. No presents necessary :)

20 Before 21

1) Go a week without wearing any makeup

2) Change the oil in a car

3) Wear only t-shirts and a ponytail for a week

4) Paint old people's toenails in a retirement home

5) Turn off my phone for a week

6) Go a month without checking my Facebook

7) Map out my plan to motorcycle across the U.S.

8) Go on a mission trip

9) Rock climb

10) Mentor someone

11) Learn to fence

12) Sing a song for someone

13) Read through the whole Bible

14) Write Paty a letter

15) Run a 7-minute mile

16) Get a sewing machine

17) Create a fashion blog

18) Write Grandma a letter once a month

19) Watch fireworks from a roof-top

20) Catch fireflies in a jar

Happy Birthday to me! :)

Be joyful always. - 1 Thessalonians 5:16

Pretty is Power

I'm taking an intro to women and gender studies and spent several hours today working with two other girls on a presentation entitled "Pretty is Power." Our thesis being -

"The prettier, the sexier a woman, the more powerful she is."

My views were considerably more conservative than theirs were, both of them openly embracing the era of casual sex that we are unfortunately living in, and it has set me to thinking. Sometimes, I'll admit, I catch myself thinking that there is not that much of a difference between a woman serving Christ and a woman serving herself. That there isn't too much of a difference between a christian and a non-christian. Maybe it's because I've never really made a thorough comparison, because as of today, I can see some very major differences in our views and opinions.

Yes, I completely, 100% agree that a beautiful, "sexy" woman like Beyonce, Rihanna or J-Lo has incredible power. They did not get to where they are now (Beyonce ranks #18 on Forbes top 100 list of most influential women) without a little, or a lot, of sex appeal. There is no denying that sex sells.

Here is what I think - not based on statistics, not based off of a music video or an advertisement, but from my own life experience and my own thoughts and opinions.

There is no denying that sex sells - but what the media denies is that sex does not bring fulfillment. It isn't very economically sound to tell your audience that by not telling you the whole truth they are telling you a whole lot of lies.

Millions of adds advertise that their product is "guaranteed" to fix this, lift that, erase those, but there are no adds that "guaranteed to fix every thing wrong with you!" Sure, you might be able to "erase" your acne, as guaranteed, or build great abs, protect yourself from STDS, or even prevent conception. But no add linked to sex promises to fix your whole life - guaranteed. There are no adds for after the sex - for the loneliness, the abuse, the dissatisfaction that follows when sex is used outside of God's boundaries.

Be real - I'll go first. I'll be the first to admit (maybe not on a stage, but at least here on my blog) that I am not a totally inexperienced woman when it comes to things sexual. People make mistakes and I happen to count myself as a person. I have (and still will) make mistakes. I can tell firsthand that when those things go on outside of marriage they do not fulfill, they do not satisfy.

Sex and being sexy is not a bad thing. God created sex to be an enjoyable, beautiful thing. God made women to be beautiful but not for us to flaunt it, not for us to use as a means to an end, not as some sort of economic capital to be traded for our wants or for us to try and gain love and acceptance.  I haven't always believed that, but I'm listening to God more these days and trying to believe what He tells me. That I am valuable not because I am a woman with sexual appearance and capabilities. Yes, pretty is power. And I strongly believe that Christ has created a husband for me (where he's at right now, I have absolutely no idea) who is going to truly appreciate all my beauty and "sexiness." As a woman of Christ, with His help I'm going to try my hardest to save us both a whole lot of heartache and trust God that not giving in to those temptations and lusts is going to best for my marriage in the long run.

Sex outside of marriage is a huge stumbling block that lots of people, me included, has already stumbled over or is trapped in right now. This isn't an "us" (Christians) and "them" (Non-Christian) struggle only, it isn't like only "other" people struggle with sexual temptation. This is something that has been swept under the carpet too long. I'm tired of hearing cutesy, struggle-free testimonies of Christians who just meditate on Bible verses and that way they don't struggle sexually. That isn't realistic.

Christians should talk about this. I do.

Carrying Your Love With Me

I am pretty hooked on this song by George Strait - "I'm Carrying Your Love With Me." It's pretty and the lyrics make me feel all warm and fuzzy and sappy inside. Anyway it just reminded me how thankful I am Christ is with me everywhere I go, and His Love is always carrying me!

My Thanksgiving break has officially started (because I'm skipping my last class to blog)! I am so thankful that I get to go home soon for more than two days and see my family! All five of us kids are going to be home for at least a day together, which is rare so I'm very excited for that. After picking up my caffe mocha with peppermint from Starbucks, I've been thinking about my life right now compared to a year ago and I have so much to be thankful for. Don't shake your head that it's cliche to make a list - everyone should make a list daily because we all have so much to be grateful for.

1. I'm thankful that I am single - because that means I'm not in the mess I was in with a relationship like last year. This time last year the breakup scene and Hannah's heart were in pretty messy shape and Thanksgiving was rough.

I like to humor myself and think that I've grown as a woman of the Lord and hopefully do a little bit better of a job carrying out this verse -

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of your life.  Proverbs 4:23

2. My Mom - I don't know where I would be without my best friend, mother, and Christian role-model. I can't wait to spend time with her over break playing piano duets, drinking tea, and talking about everything going on in our lives. Thinking about my Mom makes me want to cry a little bit inside because I miss her and she is just so incredibly awesome!

Mommy and I at Menopause the Musical

3. My Family. We may be a wild bunch of crazies, but I'm thankful for each of them. I am especially thankful right now because everyone has a job and no one is in any trouble.


4. Incredibly grateful for Coffee, one of the few things I remember to give thanks for on a daily (sometimes more than once) basis.

5. The work my parents have put into their marriage.

6. Stephanie Banks - whether as my partner in crime or in Christ, this girl has my back. She knows my heart in a way no other friend I have does and just gets me. Steph - I love you, have a wonderful break my dear. =)

Stephanie Banks and I

7. There are several other people recently who probably will never know that they made a huge impact on me but caused me to realize some huge problems in my life. Because I saw those issues, I have been able to understand and confront a lot of lies in my life.
Craig Price
Blake Jensen
Allen Prothmen
Karla Johnson



8. My Bible study group. Feelings has played such a huge role in my life, whether it's recognizing Satan trying to convince me I'm unworthy as a leader and trying to get me to cancel another night of Bible study to the lies we uncover and the truth we combat them with, this leap of faith is playing an integral part in my spiritual walk right now. I love all my girls - Kylie, Kaelyse, Sarah, and Lauren, and they make me smile and I am so thankful that I get to be a tiny part of their lives at least for a little while.
Girls - thank you. I love you, have a safe but awesome Thanksgiving.

9. My past year. Even though it definitely sucked at times, the experiences that took such a toll on me physically and emotionally are ones that have shaped me to the point I am at now. They have led me to a place where I was on my knees and had no one to rely on but my Savior and my God, and nothing could persuade me to trade my past for that.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. =)

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Lovely Noise - No Lovely Voice Required

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.  My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."
Psalm 28:7

This week has been college-girl-crazy! Before last night (Thursday) I had an approximate grand sleep total of 18 hours. The next few weeks are jam-packed with projects, presentations, papers and exams for this girl. Other things contributing to my sleep-deprivation are few, excluding this pretty neat guy I've met recently. Unfortunately, because of him I'm now uncomfortably aware of how much coffee I drink. It can't be helped! I'm going to blame this on my dad and call it a genetically inherited disorder. I love it, I want it, I need it.

Latest addiction: Cafe Mocha with Peppermint.
Note to self: Google recipe, buy ingredients - can't afford any more Starbucks!

Even being completely exhausted this week, I got to see how God has been working in my heart. Sometimes I feel like I'm at a growth stand-still and that I haven't changed at all. One of the things I've been thinking about a lot lately has to do with my character and one of my favorite verses - John 3:30 - He must become greater, I must become less. It's funny how one thought can change the way you think about everything.

I've really been enjoying all the fall colors as the trees change, so I make sure I walk around campus taking my sweet time taking it all in before the snow comes.  While I was walking past the library last week, I started to wonder how I would want to be described by someone.  I want to be described as someone full of grace, compassion, love. A woman with a heart for others, puts others first in her life. is supportive, isn't proud, isn't self-seeking, is humble (got a long ways to go with that one), and is slow to anger. As I was journaling those things I realized that my mind has changed in the things I want people to see in me, especially in comparison to my life last year at this time.  The things I want people to see in me - compassion, love, etc. - those aren't things that I am naturally. Those are things that Christ is.

He must become greater, I must become less.

How I've really seen that in my life this week is that even though I am completely exhausted and weighed down with a million deadlines, I am not stressed out. I am not angry, frustrated or upset. I've been in a great mood with a great attitude all week - and I've had joy all week. I've been actively seeking out Christ in the midst of all this craziness and spending time just the two of us.

This is something we talk about in my Bible study - what you believe (your desires) determines how you act.  It's cool to see my heart in retrospect and see this kind of change - that some of my desires finally, finally match up with what Christ's desires are for me is so incredible.  It makes the leaves a little brighter, the days even better, my attitude of joy even fuller.

My favorite camp song ever is called Lovely Noise. It's been my favorite since I started to understand Christ on a personal level (first year I was a counselor - I think I was 13?). I love to be joyful, and one of my favorite ways to praise Christ and experience enjoying him is through singing. This song is so simple but so full of truth and says what my heart feels! I don't need to be complex about my worship - I don't have to be on a mountainside to appreciate God's beauty.

Maybe I've helped you get a little perspective on joy in a day when you really needed it. My prayer is that there is one person somewhere who reads one of these blogs and reads something that they needed to hear. Need a praise pick me up? Youtube "Lovely Noise" by Hillsong kids. Embrace the joy that Christ has for you.

"....This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."
Nehemiah 8:10

Everything that moves and breathes
Sing a song and praise the Lord
Lay your troubles at his feet
Sing a song and praise the Lord

If I'm rich or if I'm poor
Sing a song and praise the Lord
If I'm shaky or if I'm sure
Sing a song and praise the Lord

If I'm weak or if I'm strong
Sing a song and praise the Lord
If I'm short or if I'm long
Sing a song and praise the Lord
If I'm up or if I'm down
Sing a song and praise the Lord
If I'm square or if I'm round
Sing a song and praise the Lord

Oh what a lovely noise
When we raise our voice to sing
I wanna thank you Lord
You're the giver of all good things



Lovely Noise - Hillsong Kids

Lie #7: "I'm Not Worth Anything."

**This past week I have struggled so much with feeling worthless, and almost called off my 

Bible study tomorrow night because I didn't feel like I could lead it.  I pulled out the book we are studying and this was the next lie we were studying. I'm posting my study outline because I think that there is someone else out there who desperately needs to see this and understand they, too, are believing a lie.**

Lie #7. “I’m Not Worth Anything.”

Circle all that apply

Worthless           Un-valuable       Pointless             Invisible                

Inferior                Cheap               Meaningless       Useless                 

Waste                 Nothing             Insignificant        Unusable

he Problem: You are viewing yourselves and your sense of worth by the input and opinions of others.                         

Everyone who tells you some opinion or view of you, keep in mind that they are just as broken a person as you and they are already looking through a Broken Mirror at you.

    

Insert-A-Lie

 “I’ll always be ________________”

“Nobody could ever like me or want to be my friend/significant other.”

“Because of _____________ , I’m worthless.”

“I have to _____________________ to be liked or even accepted by others.”

Believe Lie + Act on it = Bondage.

What we believe about ourselves determines how we live.

#IDENTIFY: “I am not worth anything. I have a constant “need” for the approval of others. It’s to the point where I go crazy trying to please others by being what I think they want from me and who they want me to be.”

We are desperately searching for affirmation.

1 Peter 2:4 – How was Jesus’ sense of worth determined?

Christ put a price tag on you.

Whose opinions are you going to accept?

Believing a lie that will keep you in bondage or believing the Truth that could set you free.

Wanted: Inspiration

Bible study starts in...two hours. I love the girls in my study, and I really believe the stuff I'm teaching can be life-changing. Except, here's the thing. Even though I know I'm supposed to be doing this study, I don't feel like I'm making much of a difference.  The passion I had at the beginning has mostly dissapeared and I find myself constantly working on my lesson at the last minute.

Part of it is that I don't feel qualified. Why listen to me? Half the stuff I'm teaching I don't even apply in my own life. That's something I'm working to change, but it's hard to feel like a leader when I think I'm the one who needs leading.  Yes, I'm leading a Bible study - but that is no indication of how my life is with God. Not at all. My spiritual life is so far from perfect and I feel like I'm the blind leading the blind.

So I'm trusting God to use something I say to maybe make some little impact on the girls in my study - and even more of an impact on me. I've seen Him use stupid things in my life before in pretty incredible ways, this isn't any different. 

Well, God. I won't be like Moses.

"Here I am. Send me!"
Isaiah 6:8

You Love Me, for Me?

How can God accept me for me?


This is what I've been struggling with over the past month.  It started when I went on a date. The date was great - I had a wonderful time, the guy was nice, and we had a good time.  Naturally, I couldn't just enjoy the date for a date, I had to go and analyze all of my feelings.

Here's a question - does everyone do that, or is it just me? Basically I spend all my free time thinking about why I feel the way I do about certain things.

Why do I hate sitting in front rows?
Why don't I like to go anywhere new without a drink or something in my hand to hold on to?
Why does hugging people sometimes freak me out?

Maybe it's the crazy Psych major in me - but when I feel something strongly and it's sticking in my mind, I spend a lot of time analyzing and trying to trace the issue back to a source and solve it. Or at least spend some quality time thinking about it - usually in my Psychology of Personality class, where I spend an hour and half staring into space and blowing up my Twitter feed waiting for the end to come.

Anyway - back to the date. So it was good. Afterward (I talked about freaking out beforehand already, right? The last blog?) I started to freak out. Of course, to calm myself down I let myself just flip out all over and be anxious before beginning to trace what the source of the problem was.

I discovered two things. The first was this - the guy was really great. On paper, he had a lot of qualities I'm looking for, but in real life there just wasn't a whole lot of flow, you know? And knowing this, I knew that I did not want to actually date him or go on a second date because that would lead him on.   The second thing was that knowing someone was interested in getting to know me brought to light a whole bunch of insecurities and doubts I didn't even realize were lurking around!

The main thing I found was that I don't truly accept that God could love me completely. Because I know that love is sometimes conditional with some people, I get stuck trying to understand how God can love me for me. I dwell on all my mistakes and just don't understand why anyone would want to love me after all the things I've done - especially men. And God is the man I don't understand the most! I can read in the Bible, and I can tell my self that God loves me more than those stupid mistakes, more than an eating disorder or poor relationship choices, more than me being self-centered and judgmental and fake. And I can tell that to myself over and over and read and hear it again and again, but as soon as my mind and heart try to grasp and fully understand it, my brain just stops. I can't comprehend it.

Over Fall break I finally had time to think completely through all this stuff. Cliche as it may be (we all know by now how much I hate cliches, but so it goes) the drive home was one of those drives where the radio played all these songs that just seemed to be full of what I needed to hear. It was a really cathartic drive home - I cried, I screamed, I ranted and prayed and such. And it was really great. Wonderful. No residents to hear me, I could finally be loud enough to be totally honest with God and myself.

One song that really stuck out to me was this song I heard for the first time - Love Me, by JJ Heller. I still couldn't grasp the truth I'd been wrestling with, but this song just got to me. It still does. I can relate so completely to the chorus, because I honestly do not understand yet why any person, specifically a man, would want to know me for me - for all my past, all the pieces of my heart, the good and bad - and love me for those things. Despite all that.

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Why in the world would someone want to love me? I have to talk to God all the time about this these days, and it goes something like this -

"WHY in the world do you love me? I am none of those things in 1 Corinthians 13. I am supposed to be an example of You, Father God.   You are love, and that's what I should be striving to show in everything that I do. But I can't do it. I'm not patient, I'm not kind, I'm not slow to anger, none of those things. I fall short every time I even try, which seems to be never these days. So can you please, please tell me why You love me? Lord, I am not worth it. I haven't done anything that is worth love from you or anyone. I am a failure at everything I do, so why do You love me anyway? I don't understand."

As I said - been feeling a little insecure. Which is rather unsettling because until about a month ago, I was feeling pretty solid and very secure with myself. In fact, I blogged about how much fun I was having getting to know this cool person who was hiding out inside me. That's life for you, I guess.

So that's about where I'm at these days. Living it day by day, trying to make my focus less on me, more on Him. Some days it works, some days not so much.  Just keep trusting what God tells me, even if it's hard for me to believe and understand. 

The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
He does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are about the earth,
so great is His love for those who fear Him;
as far as the East is from the West,
so far has He removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.

Psalm 103:8-13

You Love Me for Me (Part 1)

Fall break has come and gone, and thank goodness that it came along when it did.  I got the first chance to go home and see my family that I've really had since the school year started. While home, I mowed the lawn. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I do my best thinking while mowing the lawn. It's a four to five hour job so there's not much else to do besides shiver and think. It was absolutely wonderful because this was the first time I'd had to think for longer than 15 minutes in the last month about anything.

The past three or four weeks I've been incredibly stressed out and feeling depressed, but I never made the time to thoroughly process through all the things on my heart making me feel that way. I know when it all started. I was feeling great for weeks - since school started, life was good, following Christ, looking good feeling good. And then it happened. This follows right along with my blog 'Love Like That.'

Like most stress in a woman's life - it started with a boy.

Naturally.

SO. What happened was - I went on a date. Actually, that wasn't when the stress started. The whole mess started three days before the date. This knot formed in my stomach and just ate away at me. I was super frustrated and anxious and crabby and I didn't. When the day of the date arrived, I was so freaked out over whatever was bothering me that I felt physically sick to my stomach. I woke up completely fixated on what I was going to wear on the stupid date which is ridiculous, because I spent most of my time with the guy I was going out with in my sweats. I went to I don't know how many stores looking for something to make my outfit perfect and assuage my fears. All I could think was - "If he doesn't like the way I look, he won't like me."

And as soon as I acknowledge that, I think I might have done a double take in the store. It was one of those moments you almost smack yourself in the forehead. A total 'what am I doing?' moment.  I left the mall. It was completely ridiculous that I was obsessing over this and I knew that. It was the weirdest thing because up until the point that I started basing my worth on what someone else thought of me, I was completely secure in who I was.

(To be continued.)

Where's God?

Look at the sky.

Do you ever take the time to sit and admire?

I know I don't. Who has the time to sit and admire anything, right? Anyway, it's just the sky up there. Nothing you haven't seen before. Some clouds - couple of cumulonimbus and what not floating around. Little sunshine - no big deal.

Normally I don't really pay a whole lot of attention to it myself, I'm focused on getting to my next class, on whatever needs to be done next. And this morning wasn't any different, and I was self-pitying a little bit this morning. Then I decided that I was sick and tired of my poor attitude.

This is what was so great - I got to be totally ego-centric for a little bit. It was great.

Here's what I thought -

God painted a beautiful sky not so the clouds would have something to do with their lives, he didn't grow the grass to make the sidewalk look less ugly. He painted the world with beautiful colors for me to enjoy. God didn't have to add color - we could all look like 'I Love Lucy' with flaming red hair that no one could even admire because it was still gray like everyone else.

God made the Earth for me to enjoy.

And you. Think about that! What man (or woman) ever did something like that for you? No one! We are talking something so vast you can't comprehend how big it is. This is an artwork you could explore for the rest of your life and still never see it all. There are whole galaxies God created for our viewing pleasure and admiration.  The world is like a giant Where's Waldo game only you see God. And He is in everything you see.

I don't know what your day, your week, or your life is like.  You might be in the middle of something really hard or just need a little pick me up.  But I'm challenging you to get outside that feeling that your problems are bigger than the world, that they are bigger than God, and look around you. Sometimes it's hard to see God - but if you look close enough, you'll be able to find Him in everything.


He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth.”
                       Psalms 46:10

Love Like That

Can I just say how thankful I am that God is always willing to help me see beyond my own little world of sometimes self-pity to see the Brightside? He never runs out of new revelations to show me. I think that is one of the things I’m enjoying most in my life right now – the way I’m getting to know myself as God shows me new things. 

It’s really cool to meet yourself – a version of you that you actually treasure. I think it’s pretty rare, and I am so thankful that I’m getting to experience that. I hear some people never do, and that makes me sad.

Even though I’m crazy busy these days between being a student, an RA, a friend, a sister, a daughter, and study leader, I’m still somehow finding time to fit in thinking about guys every now and then. It’s coming up on a year now since I’ve dated anybody, so I find myself thinking a lot about my future in the area of dating. And here’s what I came up with today. 

I was writing a letter to my dear friend Stephanie Banks (Spoiler alert Steph: You’re getting a letter from me, and you now know part of what’s in it) and it somehow wound up with me talking about being loved by a man.  I got so excited about it, because rarely ever do I see past the shallow dating  “relationships” that are so typical in our culture these days, that thinking in this way just blew me out of the water. Here’s what I ended up writing:

“I can’t wait to watch some Godly man fall head over heels for you and your sweet spirit.  And that love that is coming – for you and whomever boy – to love Christ so much that you love each other as Christ loves you. Just trying to grasp how beautiful and pure and so worth the heart-ache and waiting that kind of love can be is so mind-blowing.”

And I found myself thinking – “Wow. What would it be like to actually love someone and be loved in return by them as Christ loves us.”  That isn’t something you see in relationships and marriage very often.  The concept of caring for your significant other like Christ, and to be loved and cared for back like that? It’s an incredible thought.

That’s what I want. To love someone as Christ loves me. I don’t want to focus on a million little qualities – “Does he love his mom, is he romantic, will he make me breakfast in bed and bring me frappe’s when I’m having a bad day?” – No! Christ is not a self-focused person! I don’t want my goal to be – ‘How can my significant other make my life better?’ I want to be caught up in loving him as Christ loves me and doing everything I can to show him that every day in everything that I do! I don’t want to be a selfish, scolding woman (Better to live on the corner of a roof than share a house with a quarrelsome woman – Proverbs 25:24). I want to be a joy to him. I want to be a woman who dares to dream with him instead of tells him to be realistic – who encourages him to take chances and be a man of Christ that dares to do what most men won’t.

Lord, I know that this kind of love is rare. But I know it is out there. I know it isn’t a perfect thing – only You are perfect. But I know there is more out there than the shell of marriage and relationship that “culture” shows me. There is something real and deep that you created that is real and deep and beautiful.

I want a love like that.

Feelings

Ever since my Freshman year of high school I have had a desire to lead a Bible study.  Did I ever lead one during my four years in high school? No. I was too scared of being rejected and ridiculed, and that is one of my biggest regrets. The more I get to know myself the more I realize that I have to offer people. So I did it.

I took the plunge.

Now, this might not seem like the ideal time to begin leading a Bible study. Being a new RA and a sophomore, my plate is already pretty much overflowing. But if I've learned anything in the past few months about God, it is that if I trust Him enough to jump into the unknown knowing He's leading me, even if I have no idea what I'm doing, He catches me and carries me through.

He has never failed me.

So last night was the first study meeting.  It was me and four other girls, which was ideal for my expectations because I wanted to keep the study small.  Here's the thing about our study. I don't want to call it a "Bible Study" because technically we aren't actually studying a book in the Bible. I'll be teaching (teaching is a little strong...maybe sharing is a better word - I'm not much of a qualified teacher) from a book called Lies Women Believe. For some crazy reason, I turned the whole night into a very feelings-oriented deal. And from that, our name was born.

We don't call it a Bible study.

We call it Feelings.

God will never fail to amaze me with the sets of circumstances He places in my life to lead the places I wind up.  I was a little bit worried that no one would want to share and that the ideas I was bringing to the table would be rejected as stupid. However, God wasn't just working in my heart as Feelings began. Every girl shared so openly about her life. I couldn't believe it. Four girls and I, most of whom don't know each other very well were able to open and share about some of the hardest things they are dealing with right now. 

It was just an incredible blessing and encouragement to see the potential Feelings has, and I can't explain how greatful I am that God gave me the courage to lead this.

Let me encourage you now - if there is something in the back of your mind urging you to try something - maybe it isn't lead a study group, maybe it's forgiveness of someone who has hurt you, maybe it's to get rid of something in your life - whatever.

Act on it.

Don't wait four years to act on it until you are sure it is a "safe" time to do it.

Feelings is focused on uncovering lies we believe as women, and as we do that, we are discovering the chains we have in our lives that are keeping us from being free.

Don't wait to be free from whatever makes up your chains now.

God has freedom for you now.

That's what my Feelings group is reaching for -  you can reach for it too.

More of You

The best lies are the ones that most closely resemble the truth.  One of the biggest lies I struggle with is the idea our culture presents that we all need to have our own identity – our own empowerment and strength, our own sense of self-worth, of our own uniqueness both in appearance and personality traits.  As a Psychology/Women's Studies student, I hear this all the time. I am surrounded by other students and professors who believe this and will argue it to the death.  But the more time I spend with God, the more I get to know Him, and the more of this lie I understand.

My identity is not defined by the color of my hair, my looks in general. It isn’t based off of how athletic I am, how literate, or how artistic I am.  My identity is found in Christ, not only is it found in Him, Christ is me identity. Christ is in me, because I am a Christian, meaning: I am Christ. That doesn’t mean I am perfect or can forgive sins or perform miracles. It means that my identity is wrapped up in becoming as much like Christ as I can. This can be really hard; it is incredibly hard for me.  To be like Christ means I have to always put others first, be patient no matter the person or situation, and be willing to do the dirty serving work no one else wants to do and do it without ulterior motives. Tough stuff!

That’s my goal though. To embody who Christ is and show how great He is to everyone around me.

He must become greater; I must become less.

John 3:30

That is my heart’s desire - that when people look at me they don’t see a girl who is simply nice to people, but that they see something so incredible and inexplicable in me that it lights a desire in their hearts for what I have. I want people to see Christ in me, even if they don’t know that’s what they are seeing, but to see that there is something different about me and to want that for themselves. 

Along with that, because I do have a serious pride issue as is mentioned in my about me, I want to make sure that when people ask me what it is in me that makes me shine, I don’t take the credit. When I get a compliment or praise that I can humbly express that the only good in me comes from God. When it’s just me running my life, I royally screw everything up. 

But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.

John 3:21

The Center

I want to know how it feels to be

Standing in the center of Your will for me

I want to know what surrender means

Keep me in the center of Your will for me

                -The Center (Matthew West)

Welcome to the wonderfully chaotic learning experience that is the next chapter of my life.  Hannah Crabtree – Abel Hall Resident Assistant.  This means it is a huge treat to get five un-interrupted hours of sleep, eating takes the back seat to making posters, and that my life is more about putting others first than ever.  

How many times have I said to myself and to the incredible people on my staff since I got her how amazed I am at where God has put me and how all these pieces have come together so perfectly. It feels like I took a huge risk and leaped out of my comfort zone so completely into a free-fall of trust and it was to be put here on the fourth floor of Abel Hall with 81 residents and a fantastic floor partner.  

This is a call to anyone who reads this – it is a challenge.  There’s nothing like being in the center of God’s will for you. The thing is? You don’t know what it is. You have to let go and trust that God is going to put you there. Yes, it will probably be scary – the unknown often is. Yes, it may be uncomfortable. Most learning experiences are.  But don’t waste your life.  God has a call, a plan, a purpose for you. Don’t spend your life running away from it. Pray for your eyes, your heart, your mind to be opened to what is going on around you.

You don’t think you can do anything?

Get down on your knees right now and pray. God has given you specific gifts and talents for reaching others in His name. I urge you, as a fellow sinner, someone who has spent so much time wasting what God has blessed me with and has no right to judge your past or present actions, let alone be the one to speak to you about this, but don’t let your gifts go to waste.

Be willing.

Be strong.

Be courageous. 

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9