Fall break has come and gone, and thank goodness that it came along when it did. I got the first chance to go home and see my family that I've really had since the school year started. While home, I mowed the lawn. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I do my best thinking while mowing the lawn. It's a four to five hour job so there's not much else to do besides shiver and think. It was absolutely wonderful because this was the first time I'd had to think for longer than 15 minutes in the last month about anything.
The past three or four weeks I've been incredibly stressed out and feeling depressed, but I never made the time to thoroughly process through all the things on my heart making me feel that way. I know when it all started. I was feeling great for weeks - since school started, life was good, following Christ, looking good feeling good. And then it happened. This follows right along with my blog 'Love Like That.'
Like most stress in a woman's life - it started with a boy.
Naturally.
SO. What happened was - I went on a date. Actually, that wasn't when the stress started. The whole mess started three days before the date. This knot formed in my stomach and just ate away at me. I was super frustrated and anxious and crabby and I didn't. When the day of the date arrived, I was so freaked out over whatever was bothering me that I felt physically sick to my stomach. I woke up completely fixated on what I was going to wear on the stupid date which is ridiculous, because I spent most of my time with the guy I was going out with in my sweats. I went to I don't know how many stores looking for something to make my outfit perfect and assuage my fears. All I could think was - "If he doesn't like the way I look, he won't like me."
And as soon as I acknowledge that, I think I might have done a double take in the store. It was one of those moments you almost smack yourself in the forehead. A total 'what am I doing?' moment. I left the mall. It was completely ridiculous that I was obsessing over this and I knew that. It was the weirdest thing because up until the point that I started basing my worth on what someone else thought of me, I was completely secure in who I was.
(To be continued.)
No comments:
Post a Comment