Apathy and the Mystery Behind Why I Can't Sleep

This used to be me.

 "Everybody dreams!"

NO THEY DON'T. I KNOW THE RESEARCH SAYS THEY DO, BUT THEY DON'T. Okay, okay, I know your brain is up and doing stuff while you sleep but most people remember or are at least conscious - "Oh yeah, I'm definitely in a dream right now." Not me. I have only had a handful of dreams, seriously, since before I was in high-school.

I used to dream when I was little; there were a couple really good ones that were recurring that had to do with me flying in an abandoned warehouse and a t-rex, a firefighter and an empty swimming pool. I'm not going to say that the second one was particularly memorable because I was still little and would wet the bed during it (and that might have been why the pool was empty, but like I said, I'm not saying it had anything to do with that...).

Look how happy I was.

Nothing traumatic happened to make me stop dreaming. I just...stopped. I assumed that it was something everyone grew out of, but once I got to college people wanted to talk about their dreams all the freaking time. This was annoying to me (and still is) when people wanted to share their dreams because I wasn't experiencing them.

Anyway, flash-forward to the present day. Until I started working at Behaven several months ago I was sleeping just fine. I didn't have problems going to sleep - I had a five minute fall-asleep pattern that had consistently worked for me for the last nine years; but no more. I should also mention I didn't used to wake up. I never had to pee in the middle of the night like millions of other women, I didn't have insomnia, I just fell asleep and was black until my alarm went off.

All of a sudden I'm waking up in the middle of the night, at two in the morning, sometimes three or four times a night giving time-outs (I've woken up standing in my closet saying "time-out!" I kid you not, people, this is my life now) or just wide-awake and unable to sleep.

Dreamless, blissful sleep.

WHY.

I looked positively angelic.

Until today I have had no answer. It came to me in the shower; don't even give me that look you know you do some of your best thinking there, too. Here's what came to me while I was praying and shampooing - I have struggled with apathy for a long time (I am not referring to clinical Depression, here). When I don't like an emotion, I'm stressed out or sad or just don't want to think, sleep has been an escape. To sleep without dreams and just cease to exist for hours in black has been a coping skill for me for a very, very long time. Apathy isn't new - I have mentions in my journals when I was as young as ten about feeling like I was on "auto-pilot-syndrome." It is easier for me to disassociate from feelings until enough time passes that I don't feel them anymore; sleep passes a lot of that time quite nicely.

THIS IS ME NOW, PEOPLE.

Sometimes I feel like a naughty little kid who just straight-up refuses to do something - "and you can't make me!" God had to drag me kicking and screaming from my emotionless state a few years ago and here He goes again. Lord, when I said I wanted you to take away any refuge I had but You I didn't mean my freaking sleep! Well, I'm nothing if not stubborn and pigheaded.

"You don't want to think? Fine! I'm going to take away your sleep. Enjoy staring at your ceiling and your broken window blind thinking about nothing!"

So after six months of less-than-desirable sleep I have come to terms - I am avoiding thinking on purpose. I have been seeking wisdom and asking for clarity and change for the last six months, so never let it be said that I serve a God who doesn't listen.