Apathy and the Mystery Behind Why I Can't Sleep

This used to be me.

 "Everybody dreams!"

NO THEY DON'T. I KNOW THE RESEARCH SAYS THEY DO, BUT THEY DON'T. Okay, okay, I know your brain is up and doing stuff while you sleep but most people remember or are at least conscious - "Oh yeah, I'm definitely in a dream right now." Not me. I have only had a handful of dreams, seriously, since before I was in high-school.

I used to dream when I was little; there were a couple really good ones that were recurring that had to do with me flying in an abandoned warehouse and a t-rex, a firefighter and an empty swimming pool. I'm not going to say that the second one was particularly memorable because I was still little and would wet the bed during it (and that might have been why the pool was empty, but like I said, I'm not saying it had anything to do with that...).

Look how happy I was.

Nothing traumatic happened to make me stop dreaming. I just...stopped. I assumed that it was something everyone grew out of, but once I got to college people wanted to talk about their dreams all the freaking time. This was annoying to me (and still is) when people wanted to share their dreams because I wasn't experiencing them.

Anyway, flash-forward to the present day. Until I started working at Behaven several months ago I was sleeping just fine. I didn't have problems going to sleep - I had a five minute fall-asleep pattern that had consistently worked for me for the last nine years; but no more. I should also mention I didn't used to wake up. I never had to pee in the middle of the night like millions of other women, I didn't have insomnia, I just fell asleep and was black until my alarm went off.

All of a sudden I'm waking up in the middle of the night, at two in the morning, sometimes three or four times a night giving time-outs (I've woken up standing in my closet saying "time-out!" I kid you not, people, this is my life now) or just wide-awake and unable to sleep.

Dreamless, blissful sleep.

WHY.

I looked positively angelic.

Until today I have had no answer. It came to me in the shower; don't even give me that look you know you do some of your best thinking there, too. Here's what came to me while I was praying and shampooing - I have struggled with apathy for a long time (I am not referring to clinical Depression, here). When I don't like an emotion, I'm stressed out or sad or just don't want to think, sleep has been an escape. To sleep without dreams and just cease to exist for hours in black has been a coping skill for me for a very, very long time. Apathy isn't new - I have mentions in my journals when I was as young as ten about feeling like I was on "auto-pilot-syndrome." It is easier for me to disassociate from feelings until enough time passes that I don't feel them anymore; sleep passes a lot of that time quite nicely.

THIS IS ME NOW, PEOPLE.

Sometimes I feel like a naughty little kid who just straight-up refuses to do something - "and you can't make me!" God had to drag me kicking and screaming from my emotionless state a few years ago and here He goes again. Lord, when I said I wanted you to take away any refuge I had but You I didn't mean my freaking sleep! Well, I'm nothing if not stubborn and pigheaded.

"You don't want to think? Fine! I'm going to take away your sleep. Enjoy staring at your ceiling and your broken window blind thinking about nothing!"

So after six months of less-than-desirable sleep I have come to terms - I am avoiding thinking on purpose. I have been seeking wisdom and asking for clarity and change for the last six months, so never let it be said that I serve a God who doesn't listen.

Ruach, Reflections Part One

I should probably start this out with a disclaimer: I do not have any type of theology background, I avoided history classes like the plague. I am exactly NOT a Biblical scholar in any way, shape or form. All I have is a legitimate God who does bestow wisdom, so if you hear something that sounds as such, please recognize that it does not come from me.

If you're reading - welcome back! Sorry it's been awhile but if I'm not feeling moved to write I don't force it (Mrs. Zach, you'll be pleased to know I have an idea cooking for a book!). The last few months has fallen into a pattern of blah. I'm willing to bet I'm not the only person who struggles with apathy; maybe I'll write more about that soon, but not today.

Today I'm thinking about the Holy Spirit. If you have ever thought these questions:

"What if there isn't actually a God?"
"What if I got 'it' wrong?"
"What if all along I've been having this elaborate conversation with just myself?"

Good! You are not alone! Those are some of the thoughts I've been battling alongside some serious apathy so at least you and I are in this together. Solidarity, and all that. The last couple months have been a battle with those exact questions. If you're looking for a verse or some concrete, short, definitive answer - I am really sorry, but I do not have one for you. Trust me, I wish I did - I love bullet points and I would love to give you three to answer all those questions. I understand it's really hard to use your brain for yourself; life is hard, friend.

Here's what I've determined thus far:

1. I think that it's possible to idolize the Bible to the point that it is regarded as the only means to get answers about everything.

2. The Holy Spirit is a real thing.

3. The God I believe in (even though I doubt sometimes) has patience and grace for me to fight with these questions. Honestly, my doubts do not effect the existence of God whether he does exist or not.


Super deep, right? I told you I was a theologian - feel free to start calling me C.S. Lewis. I'm learning there is a lot more going on in this whole 'God thing' than 'the church' has led me to believe. And you want to know why? Because I let myself agree that all there was to the 'God thing' was reading your Bible, going to church and praying regularly; I determined that relationship could be understood and bullet-pointed into little logical steps.

If I've learned anything from the relationships I've been in, it's that if you assume you know everything about both people, you will never learn anything; you will simply create a complicated perception of yourself and that other person based on just that - perception. Not reality. To really have a relationship you have to be engaged with that other person. You speak to each other, you can't learn from the other if you never talk or interact.