"One Time I Was Depressed for a Couple Days."

Like panic attacks, if you have never experienced a lasting depression, one of the most frustrating things for those of us who have to hear is - "One time I was depressed for a couple days, but then I got over it."

I am not dismissing what you were feeling or denying that you were depressed, but there is a difference between a few days of depression that you pull out of and a few weeks, months, or years that no matter what you do you cannot shake. 

This video is one of the best I have seen that gives a peek at what living with depression is really like.

In the last two blogs I shared an interview with my friend Erica that focused on her battle with depression. Among a host of other things, she is also a gifted writer. On August 14th, 2014, she wrote this short piece about depression aptly titled, 'The Joy Thief.'

"Depression is a cruel joy thief. It takes everything you love, everything that encompasses a person, and replaces it with a horrific illusion of nothingness, that becomes a twisted view of reality. One starts to believe this new nothing reality, and suddenly the appeal to live life, starts to slip. Relationships cease to matter, motivation is laughable, getting out of bed is torture and you wish to spit on the ridiculous notion of “carpe diem. “  

Joy, not even a hint of it, is found in the everyday and slowly but surely, despair grasps the mind with icy hands and the breakdown of the psyche continues. Despair erodes the mind and eats the soul. It isolates you and screams “worthless, worthless, you are creation most vile, most despised!” The mind starts to feel trapped and isolated with mournful whispers of self hatred, and the dark refrain continues to sound, over and over. Solace is sought in insolation far away from the last remnants of light and love, and the tragic lie sinks down to the chambers of the heart and imprisons the soul. Everything is darkest night and there is no longer joy or love, or laughter, and hope is silenced. Fear, anxiety, and shame become your unholy wardens,and they only joy is theirs as they delight in beating you down, and feasting on your remains. Endless night after endless night, all is torment and agony, but then. 

Yes then, right as it seemed as if all that will ever be known is complete and total despair and brokenness, Love simply walked in. It has been there since the beginning, always whispering, but other voices were louder, drowning it out. So ever patient, it waited until the exact moment when the rending of soul occurred,because it is at that moment, that the heart becomes the most receptive. Love, in its perfection, casts out fear, and anxiety, and shame, it takes despair by the throat and breaks it, only to restore it to hope most radiant. It washes clean the festering places of the soul, where ancient wounds have been left to rot and poison the being. It returns joy and depression recedes to where it is a long ago, but intimately familiar nightmare. The mind clears and soul awakes to Truth and Light, and suddenly life has new and profound meaning. " 

- Erica Gordon

For more information about depression and how you can help, I strongly recommend this video guide about 'The Black Dog' put out by the World Health Organization.

The House With Open Doors: Meet Erica (Part Deux)

The following is the second segment of an interview I have conducted with Erica. I share it because I think it is immensely important for people to understand that being a Christian does not mean that one life looks like the next, nor should it. Erica does not fit the 'stereotypical Christian mold.' She has a story that will benefit many others in hearing. She loves Jesus, is genuine, is flawed, is beautiful.

Do you mind sharing more about your father?

When my dad is drunk, he is very cruel with his words. He was never physically abusive that I can remember, but his words were and still can be very biting. He would say things, and call me names that no one should ever hear, let alone his daughter.

I noticed earlier you did not mention your mother in the description of your family…?

My mom tried her best to keep the peace and hold everything together. When we were young, she would to keep us away from my dad when he was drinking, but that became harder to do as we got older and were able to piece together what was happening. When my sister’s behavior really started to deteriorate, she was constantly talking with people trying to figure out what the next step was or doing damage control with some of the after effects of my sister’s behavior. Often both she and my dad would have to rush to the hospital behind police cars, because she would have to call the police to come and restrain my out of control and raging sister.

Did that happen frequently?

Yes. They were quite traumatic.

Could you describe what an incident looked like? Were they all similar or were the incidents less predictable?

They would all kind of follow a same pattern, where she would seem to just snap and the next thing we knew she was going on a screaming rampage, complete with lots of throwing things, screaming obscenities, and things like "I hate you!" or "I’m going to kill you!" If you were unfortunate enough to be in her way, she would attack you, by grabbing any body part she could and scratch, bite, hit, spit etc. But the episodes grew progressively worse as she got older. There was one incident a few years ago, where she actually had a psychotic break from reality. When it happened, she started throwing heavy and dangerous things at both me and my mom, and she chased me to the upstairs part of my house, where she ripped pictures off the wall and threw them at me (she has surprisingly good aim!), then she pushed a cabinet over on top of me, and told me she would cut me and watch me bleed. As the police carried her away she screamed that she would kill us all in our sleep. She later told the nurses in the mental health ward that the voices in her head told her to do it.

Would you say that your family background has been influential in shaping who you are today?

Yes, in both positive and negative ways. For example, if I were to use one word to describe myself, it would be ‘Fearful.’ I am a very fearful person, and my home environment did not help me try and become fearless. It cultivated fear, because I was always walking on eggshells, I feared change, because change was very rarely positive, and to this day, I have a hard time living in peace because I am always, always waiting for the ‘other shoe to drop.’ I also struggle with depression, as a side effect of the trauma. But it affected me positively because it instilled in me passion for those with behavior disorders, and working on bringing restoration to those who come from dysfunctional backgrounds.

Another thing you and I have bonded over is Depression. Have you been given a clinical diagnosis?

Yes. My therapist first diagnosed me back when I was a junior in high school, then again a couple years ago, and then just recently!

What does depression look like to you?

Dark. So, extremely dark. I stopped doing the things that I loved, I never wanted to leave my room, let alone my bed, my thoughts took a very dark turn, and I just did not care about anything.

Are these feelings that last a few days...? Does this happen once a year, once a month...?

These are feelings that lasted months and months at a time. I think two or three years ago when I was diagnosed, I had gone without treatment for a year. I’m not sure how often depression will reoccur, I was depression free for about 2 1/2 years before being re-diagnosed.

If you are comfortable sharing, do you take any medication for your depression?

Yes, I do take medication. And I hate it.

Why?

Because I am a strong, independent woman that's why! But in all seriousness, I am a very independent person, and I hate the fact that I have to depend on medicine to make my mind better. I know that an illness of the mind is really no different than an illness of the body, you have to treat both to feel better, but it’s very frustrating. I have also been told that the reason I am struggling with depression is because I am not being dependent enough on Jesus. I know that is not true, but a part of me still tries to reconcile struggling with a mental illness with being a Christian.

How does being a Christian factor into this, or does it?

I don't know. I go back and forth about this. When I was in deep, deep depression, while I never felt further from God, I also have never heard Him speak so clearly and make Himself so known to me. It’s a paradox, but it makes sense. Because it is in the dark that the light is the most noticeable, that it shines the most brilliantly. It is because of this that in a way I am almost appreciative of my depression. It showed me Jesus in a deep and raw way, (this is going to sound so arrogant, I am so sorry!) a way that not many people get to experience Him. Yet a part of me still cannot help but wonder, why is that not enough? Why is it that some Christians, who can love Jesus and earnestly seek Him and turn their lives over to Him, still commit suicide? I think I want an easy, neat answer, but this is not an easy topic that can be wrapped up in a pretty package. It is messy and filled with brokenness, and God is going to work through it in ways that are going to transcend our limited understanding of Him.

I know that you have a few things to say about how churches deal with not only depression, but mental illness in general. Care to share?

I have many things to say. First I would like to say: How dare you? How dare you tell me, tell countless others, that the reason we are in so much pain is because we are not believing Jesus enough, or "casting our anxieties on Him," or whatever other well meaning, yet detrimental crap you spew. Until you have nearly kissed death, until you have felt the raging inferno licking at your mind, consuming your thoughts, felt the insecurity, the fear, you have NO RIGHT to tell me that I am not doing something right in my own walk with Jesus. The church needs to stop attaching what they believe is right in terms of mental illness, and saying that is how Jesus feels about it. I just said earlier that I had never been more aware of Jesus in my entire life, so clearly He is moving in very big ways in the area of mental illness. Just because we cannot understand it, does not mean that He does not understand it. He is restoring. He is un-breaking the broken.

If you could tell the church how to better treat those fighting mental illness, and specifically depression since you have personal experience, what would you say?

Sometimes there is nothing to say. Sometimes all somebody needs is to just know that people are there for them. Even though they may not know what is going on in the mind, they will travel this path with them. Tell us we are not alone. Depression, especially for an introvert like me, is very isolating. Even though we may feel very, very alone, tell us that we are not. Tell us we are loved, and valued and have infinite worth. Hold our hand, give us a hug, cry with us, be with us, dont let us go, share our pain. Sooner or later, we just might begin to believe.

What does your future look like, in the face of depression?

This is something I will struggle with the rest of my life. This is my reality, and as of right now I know how to handle it. It is going to be an adventure, or something.

How do you deal with that? Do you have support in light of your outlook?

Right now, it’s kind of exhausting to think about. I try not to think too hard about the possibility of passing it on to my future children if I have any, Its just...tiring and hard to think about.

El Fin

The House With Open Doors: Meet Erica

Originally introduced through a small group at church, Erica and I bonded over child care trauma stories, a caustic sense of humor and sarcasm, and on the way home from a retreat where we discovered our mutual understanding of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). It is now my pleasure and honor to call her one of my closest friends and also my roommate!

Erica is currently employed at a day-care but will be joining my team at Behaven in the next month as a Child Behavior Aide and also volunteers with the children's portion of 'Celebrate Recovery' through Lincoln Berean church. Erica enjoys long cuddles with large cats, excessive amounts of coffee and alone time, reading, sarcasm and contemplating the mysteries of life.

The following is the first segment of an interview I have conducted with Erica. I share it because I think it is immensely important for people to understand that being a Christian does not mean that one life looks like the next, nor should it. Erica does not fit the 'stereotypical Christian mold.' She has a story that will benefit many others in hearing. She loves Jesus, is genuine, is flawed, is beautiful. 

Would you consider your family functional or dysfunctional?

Definitely dysfunctional.

Would you mind explaining your rationale behind that response?

Of course! First of all, my dad is an emotionally and mentally abusive alcoholic, and my sister (who is adopted), has a whole host of intense mental disorders. Which in all honesty, is why I have to explain that she is adopted, because a) its the truth, and b) because I dont want people to assume that I share the same disorders. It's really shallow, and I am ashamed.

Would you tell us more about your sister? How old were you when she was adopted, how old was she? Were the issues you’ve mentioned evident prior to the adoption or were they unknown to your family?

I think we adopted her when I was three, and I think she was the same age (she is three months younger than I am). When we adopted her, we had no idea that she was going to have the issues that she ended up having. My parents were told that she could possibly develop a host of disorders that run in her biological family, but she was way too young for anyone to be certain.

When did the mental disorders start to become apparent?

I am not 100% sure, it was maybe around five or six years?

What did that look like?

My memory is a little fuzzy, because I was so young when it was happening, and I have a child's memory of it. But from what I remember and based off of what my mom has told me, the very first diagnoses came when she noticed that my sister was not meeting all of the developmental milestones that I was. I know each child will reach each milestone at different points in time, some sooner than others etc., but I think that my mom was concerned because she was so, so far behind. I remember one day that I was left with a sitter for what seemed like hours and hours, and in reality it was probably only like three hours max, but my parents had taken my sister to the hospital for some kind of mental health test. They came back home with her first diagnoses: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. After that I remember being very distraught because we had special "company" over it seemed like all the time. I would always be sent outside or to my room, while my sister got to play with all of these cool toys. I did not realize the the individuals coming over were therapists coming to work with my sister. I just knew that she was getting special attention from not only the therapists, but from my parents as well, and it felt like I was not important or valued as she was.

So the issues were all a result of FAS?

No. There were more, but they did not appear until I believe elementary school? Worsening in middle school.

What were those issuses? Did your parents have any idea what the root cause of them was?

The first to really cause a problem was Reactive Attachment Disorder. But my parents did not get a diagnoses until a couple years later, because RAD, at the time, was not well known. It still is not something that very many people know about, but more and more people are being made aware of it! Then after the RAD, and perhaps the worst diagnoses, was a severe form of Bipolar 1. Then at some point she was diagnosed with a mild form of autism.