Just finished up my 19th and 20th Century Sexuality class and I've got 10 minutes until my next class on Perception starts. During that last 50 minutes rather than pay full-attention to the sex lives of Victorian's, I half-paid attention and scribbled down some things I've learned.
What are those things, you ask?
These are things I've discovered I should look for when I evaluate the future potential of a guy. I would like to point out that while I'm listing things that I look for, I think that those things should be just as applicable to myself, so if 'He' were evaluating, I would want to mirror these things as well.
These are a few of the things I've picked up in college and figured I might as well pass them on - Carol, pay attention and take notes - this way you are going to be a million and thirty-seven times wiser than I am in three years when you're a Senior in college. :)
Positivity
I, more than anyone, recognize that their are different types of personalities. Some of us are naturally more bubbly, outgoing, 'positive' than others, that isn't what I'm referring to when I say 'Positivity' here. Is the person you are interested in positive? Even in negative situations, do they constantly dwell on the bad things, tear down others, blame, etc. or do they eventually pull out of it and maintain a positive attitude. Even temperaments that are more reserved for, example, introverts - even if they are quiet, are they still positive?
(This might matter more to me than to some people because I'm inherently positive and negative people suck out my soul. Fast.)
Do your personalities naturally motivate each other?
Is the way this person lives their life, their passions, their interests, how they treat others, how they view life, do those naturally motivate you to want to be 'your best'? Do they 'bring out the best' in you, not by actively trying to change you, but just by being their natural, normal self. If you think - "actually...the person I like doesn't really affect my choices and how I live my life at all" - you might want to give that a little thought.
Do your morals/religious views match up?
Regardless of what those are, if you don't both have the same core beliefs? It's going to lead to a lot of uncomfortable feelings. If your morals/beliefs are a significant part of who you are, if you and your significant interest don't share those - how are you both going to really 'be yourselves' if you can't really share that together? Yes, you can share your beliefs with each other even if they aren't the same, but deep down you are going to think "I'm right, you're wrong" and aren't going to feel very understood. Also, if you're thinking someday you want kids? Your morals and beliefs are huge in how you raise your children and if you think differently about that, it's going to lead major conflicts when you try and grow some kids together way down the road.
Is there balance in the amount of investment you have in each other?
If you notice you're the only one who is invested in the other - how was your day, how are you doing, what are your feelings, what are your thoughts, etc. - it's time to re-evaluate. Don't go into a relationship thinking you're more than capable of changing someone. I know you are a wonderful person, worthy of someone changing nasty behaviors for but the reality is that doesn't usually happen so don't waste your time! Is this person invested in you - your mental, psycholocigal, physical, spiritual well-being etc.? One-sided investment is no good, you both need to be invested in each other (not to be confused with 'dependent' on each other, that isn't a good thing).
Can you champion them?
If you don't respect and admire this person, it's a no-dice deal. Can you champion this person or do you have to make excuses - "He/She is really having a hard time," "He/She isn't that bad," "He/She is different when it's just the two of us, it's amazing." If you can't champion your significant whatever, then you need to take a big step back. Why are you even interested/dating/engaged/marrying this person? Seriously, though. If you can't champion them, if you don't respect them, you are headed for major problems because sooner or later it's going to come out that you don't and you're going to loathe that person and they aren't going to feel loved and supported and respected and blah, blah, blah. No bueno.
How do they deal with being stressed and angry?
This is huge. I cannot express how much heartache and suffering you can save yourself by knowing this about someone before being in a committed relationship or marriage with them. In the event of stress or anger (these will occur throughout your entire life so it really matters), how does so-and-so deal with that? Do they lash out, take out their frustrations on others? Do they blame? Do they ignore? Do they pretend nothing happens or do they accept the circumstance, regardless of their feelings, and not displace their feelings on others around them? IF YOU TAKE ONE PIECE OF ADVICE FROM THIS: Don't date someone and especially don't marry them until you know what they are like when they get mad.
THIS GOES BOTH WAYS.
Can ____ champion you? Can you champion yourself (it doesn't have to be out-loud to people, but are you confident and assured in yourself?)? How do you deal with being angry/stressed, etc.
Healthy relationships are going to be way more enjoyable and likely to last if there are two emotionally healthy people in it. Everyone goes through emotional ups and downs, admittedly, but there are healthy and unhealthy ways of living during those time and how you and whoever else you might be in a relationship act can dramatically impact both your lives - positively or negatively.
Don't take me as the end-all when it comes to relationship advice. Read it, consider it, filter it, weigh it, contradict or agree, do what you will. I'm no expert, just passing on my observations in the hope of making the world a little more manageable as you navigate your way through it. :)
