Home-Spider-Home

There are some habits so ingrained from childhood that they still exist now, even into my 20's. This one in particular came from a particular traumatic event - towel shaking and spiders.

Every time I shower in the basement bathroom at home, I always shake the hell out of my shower towel before I use it.

Why, you might ask?

Spiders.

One time in my early teens I used a towel and there was a spider in it. I probably could use some therapy for it, but I'm doing my best to survive, therefore, I have developed the 'towel shaking habit.' Dear guests of our home - you are welcome because you better believe I vigorously shake all of the towels before letting you use them. You are welcome.

Anyway, a half hour ago I was downstairs plugging in my curling iron and I looked down and mere inches from my foot was a spider. A big one. I froze, because even though I like to think I am a courageous, self-empowered and self-sufficient woman - a spider will do me in, 100% of the time.

Normally I get help and make someone else kill it.

That dot was a spider, 45 minutes ago...

No, I am not kidding.

My brothers, mom, roommate, boyfriend, literally anyone but me. (Thank-you Nathan for sharing this with me and making me realize yes, it could be much, much worse....Spiders Flee Australian Flood)

Clearly, I had only two options:

Destroy the spider or risk it escaping while I ran for help and then knowing it was in the bathroom somewhere but not knowing where.

NOT IN MY HOUSE.

Not today, spider. Not today.

30 and Career-less

"What if I wake up someday when I'm 30 and still don't have a career?"

- Sam

An excellent question. I picked up my friend Sam from the airport a couple days ago and this was a part of the conversation we had on the ride back. We were talking about the next steps he is taking in his life now that he's well into his 20's, next steps for school, for relationships, careers. What came up was this statement -

"What if I wake up when I'm 30 and still don't have a career?"

I still feel a little bad because I got feisty when he said that because I had something to say and kind of jumped on him (Just kidding, I know he's okay - thanks, Sam!).

Here is what I said:

"I have a proposal for you. I propose that you already have a career. God gives you different assets to be a steward of at different points in your life and your career isn't based on what company you run or are employed by. Your career is to be the best steward of what you have, when you have it. Your whole life is your career, it just looks different in different seasons."


And that's all I've got.

**Sam, the next life-coach session I have with you, I just want you to know I'm going to charge by the half-hour. Plus mileage.

10 Things I Learned from Bryce Hasenauer

About three months ago I wound up stuck in a van next to this guy for an eight hour drive to Colorado. Little did I know that I was sitting next to someone who was going to be possibly one of the biggest influences in my life during my college career.

Anyway, to avoid getting sappy or something, this is my friend Bryce Hasenauer and he's pretty neat. Today he peaced out to head back to his hometown to pursue his next big adventure now that he's officially graduated.

The Adventures of Bryce and Hannah Begin!
REACH 2013

My philosophy about pretty neat people is that when I meet one and learn from them I naturally want to share that pretty neatness with other people. So, without further delay, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Mom and my little sister Carol, I present you with "10 Things I Learned from Bryce Hasenauer."


1. Dream big, dream constantly

This kid has to be the biggest dreamer I've met since my Dad. It doesn't matter if it's realistic or not, just dream. All the time. I thought I was a dreamer but after meeting Bryce and hanging out with him I find myself willing to dream about anything, anytime. The biggest part of this is that Bryce pointed out how many obstacles people make for themselves that are completely made up. Suspend your little "what if's" and you can dream so much more.

2. Look at the best in people

I'm a judger. Have been for years - I see people and automatically find myself dissecting them into things I like and don't like. Here's what I learned about Bryce - surround yourself with people who don't look for the negative in people, and don't tell others the negative things you think you see in people. There is so much potential and awesome in everyone - focus on that, don't waste time or a possible friendship by thinking someone sucks. They probably aren't that bad and are actually pretty neat.

3. Be kind

This is sort of a summation of #2 and #4. Bryce genuinely cares about people and it's hard to hang out with someone who is so nice to everyone and not get that nicey-nice crap rubbed off onto you. Observing this has made me hyper-aware of my interactions with people and how even simple interactions can show someone kindness.

4. Help anyone

I noticed this way back in October on REACH retreat (the place we went on our eight hour ride to) when I saw Bryce cleaning a bathroom. If you watch him, he is constantly helping people - it's so subtle you wouldn't think twice about it. Whether it's physical labor (cleaning a bathroom, hanging Christmas lights, whatever) or through his words (also one of the most encouraging people you'll probably ever meet). Constantly be willing to build people up by helping them -  in word or deed.

5. Have fun

In the spirit of #5 - I got the coolest Christmas present
ever from Bryce. I've been playing Arrow alone in my
house for the last hour.

Work hard, play hard. Be able to have fun like a little kid, smile constantly and enjoy doing life, because it is a fun thing. This is also neat to watch in Bryce when he's in a stressful situation. For example, one time we were hanging up some Christmas lights and the lady didn't really know what she wanted, the lights didn't go where we wanted, and it was freezing cold. Bryce just keeps it light - why get upset about something silly, even if it's frustrating - dwell in the fun of life.

6. Let who you are be how you act and you will naturally shine

I catch myself doing the opposite of this sometimes - getting a little caught up in acting how I think others are perceiving me/want me to be. Thinking that my natural talents and personality are flawed and unwanted and not worth much. I've learned a lot about this already and have worked really hard to be consistently, honestly me from situation to situation and spending time with Bryce was like a breath of fresh air, because he is Bryce all the time. He doesn't hold back his personality and to watch the way people are drawn to him because of that has been so awesome to witness.

7. Take risks

This goes along with dreaming. Dream big and don't be afraid of risks. Most "risks" are just stupid obstacles you've created in your mind, anyway. Think of them like an adventure.

8. Embrace and learn from failure

Going hand-in-hand with #7 - so you take a risk and it doesn't work out the way you wanted. So what? Embrace it, learn from it, value the experience. It's only a failure if you give up and don't learn anything from it.

9. Be willing to work hard

Bryce has a ridiculous work ethic. Everything I know about him has told me how hard work is a great thing and that he's done a lot of it. Dreaming is great, but the next step is doing something about those dreams and I've seen Bryce put this into action since day one of our eight-hour bus ride. Be willing to dream big and be willing to work hard to get there. Expect and thrive on hard work and doing work well.

10. Two is better than one

Think tanks. You might think you have some great ideas and you probably do, but being willing to share your ideas, hear others, and bounce ideas and critiques and feedback back and forth can take a dream or an idea and shed so much light on it. Don't spend your life trying to fly solo, involve others.


BONUS LEARNED THING!

11. Learn everything from everyone

Bryce is a talker but also a listener. When he talks to someone about something he doesn't know about, or even if he does, it is literally like watching a sponge soak up everything that person says. The kid thrives on learning. This has made me value what people say and made me so much more interested in learning from others, reading books, watching TedTalks, whatever to learn more just for the sake of learning new things.

To enjoy one of our most recently learned things you can watch this TedTalk and then go run down a deer. Barefoot. It's an Automatic Win, 100% of the time. :)

Birthday Philosophy: Feelin' 22 :D

Today is the day! I have been listening to this song for the past month in preparation for today. J

You may be one of those people who say things like – “Oh, I don’t really celebrate my birthday,” “I don’t need to have people know it’s my birthday,” “blah, blah, blah.” To all you birthday haters out there, I AM NOT ONE OF YOU. I love birthdays! I love MY birthday!There is no denying that I love the attention that comes with birthdays and also any presents involved. I’m also not that person who says – ‘Oh, I don’t need any presents this year.’ Of course I don’t need presents, but I still love them! For example, my roommate Sasha got me a fencing lesson to launch my 3-year-old dream of becoming an epic fencer, who isn't going to love 
that?!
Never have I thought to myself – ‘You know what sounds like a great idea? Deleting my birthday from Facebook so no one knows when I’ve completed another 365 day orbit!”

NOT ONCE.

I completely understand most people don’t remember my birthday on their own – you should have so many more things that take priority over the day I was born two decades ago. I don’t remember your birthday – thank you Lord for Facebook. It isn’t that your birthday isn’t important to me I just have other things that take a much higher priority so I don’t mind a little reminder!

Here is my personal birthday philosophy:

Every December 12^th is like my own personal Thanksgiving.

This is my 22^nd year on this Earth and looking back I have so many awesome things that have happened in my life to be thankful for and celebrate. Once I tried to make a chart with all of the

people I have met just in college and there are so many I got annoyed and had to stop. Also my marker died (the yellow is always the first to go).

I’ve met thousands of people so far and I can’t explain how you impacted me and played a role in shaping who I am.
thankful I am for all of you. You keep my life interesting, you keep me encouraged, and I want you to know that you are/have been a valuable, wonderful part of my life. Even if we don’t speak anymore, at one point in our relationship

God has spent 22 years growing me into such a neat person and has shown me some incredible talents and traits that have made me uniquely, delightfully Hannah.  I am a joy in His eyes (hopefully some others, too!) and darn it all if I’m not going to glorify my Creator and celebrate His work of art that is me at least once a year!

That is worth celebrating!

I will celebrate with enthusiasm until I'm so old my knees give out.

Then I will lie in bed, throwing sprinkles and glitter at passers-by.

Holidays-as-a-Single Survival Guide: Part 1

This holiday season (Thanksgiving, the three-month-long-commercially-promoted Christmas, and New Years) can be an absolutely magical time for couples. A lot of new relationships are beginning, a lot of engagements are taking place - wonderful things. I love love, in theory. At the same time if you are currently single (like me), sometimes all of the magical couple-y-ness can leave you feeling, well, a lot of lonely and a lot more left out.

#Foreveralone 

If you have a Facebook and are single, I can just hear you saying  - "Oh my gosh I know! EVERY TIME  I GET ON FACEBOOK someone else is getting engaged or _____ and ______ are 'in a relationship!' And if I see one more picture in the stupid snow of gross couples holding hands and freaking kissing, I'm going to delete my facebook and go get 17 cats and I mean it this time."

Granted, considering you are probably like me and checking Facebook happens just shy of 37 times a day, the 'every time' bit is a slight exaggeration but you know what I mean. It does feel like 'every time' I login, I see this:

And then this is your reaction (if you are single):

And then you send a snap-chat to your bestie that looks startlingly similar to this one:

You might even start thinking you hate love - you don't, you just feel bitter - these feelings, too, shall pass. On to what this is really all about:

"Most of the time, I love being single! But sometimes..."

How many times have you heard that or said it yourself? I say it probably just about every time I have a conversation with someone about romantic relationships (and my lack thereof). I've got some thoughts I've been working on for months now that I think I can finally share coherently with you. I've given this brief collection of reflections a quaint little title:

Holdays-as-a-Single Survival Guide

1. "Most of the time, I love being single! But sometimes...."

If you say this or hear someone else say it - that is okay. I'm going to re-frame that statement and I want you to look at it, think for a few seconds, and realize something.

"Most of the time, I love ___________! But sometimes...."

Dissatisfaction is normal. Discontent? People feel this all the time. People who love their jobs, love their spouse, love their kids, love their newborn, love their new puppy, love the stock market, whatever it is you will go through "But sometimes....." moments!

That is okay. I tell you this because no one ever really explained that it is okay to have "But sometimes...." moments and you need to know this now before you waste any more time feeling guilty or ashamed about it.

It's okay - embrace it, feel it, keep living your life.


Holidays-as-a-Single Survival, Lesson 1: Don't shame yourself for your feelings. 

It's okay to be a little sad or lonely - don't think that you have to be this "I'm single and loving it" person all the time. Now, I'm not saying you need to linger in these feelings forever and if you tell people your "But sometimes..." statement, some of them might lecture you about enjoying your singleness, what a blessing it is, blah blah blah, I'm not disagreeing with those things. What I'm saying is - you can love being single sometimes and you can dislike being single sometimes, too. Because here's a little secret - sometimes people love their spouses and sometimes they want to strangle them, too.

It's okay to be a "But sometimes"-er.

Journal in Review

In case you haven't picked up on this - I

like to write. I've had this blog now for almost four years (since college started and now I'm almost out...wow) and I've kept a journal pretty consistently since I was eight or so - there's a lock box in my basement that's full of journals.  I'm also pretty contemplative, hence why I've got an entire lock box of writing about myself.

Today marks the day that another journal is full. Always a little bit sad but also exciting because I get to go buy another cheap notebook and I'm a little nerdy about it. So in honor of the day, I'm going to share a few of the things I learned over the course of this journal! The journal dates from 1/17/13 to today.

For anybody who ever wonders if other people have doubts or wonder if they are the only ones who struggle with loneliness or questions - you are not alone. There are at least two of us. :) Here's a couple highlights.


1/17

Have I wasted my whole college career?
Have I impacted anyone?
I have no passion for anything - did I do college wrong?
Am I going to look back with major regrets?

4/10

"I guess where I'm really at is...I have a lot of questions and not a lot of answers."

Why am I here?
How do I know there's a God?
If or if there isn't a God, I don't really understand - how does hope work?
What am I supposed to be doing?
Have I been a total waste?
Do I always have to feel guilty and in trouble?

May sometime...

I wrote an illustrated book on 'Why I Chose to Minor in LGBTQ/Sexuality Studies"

6/1 (Living in Colorado)

"...woman in her heart of hearts longs for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. That's what makes a woman come alive." - Captivating

"Though we may fear the test, at the same time we yearn to be tested, to discover that we have what it takes." - Captivating

That top quote is why I came to Colorado for the Summer. Not to run away from anyone, not to "start over," not to hide from anything. I wanted to know that who I am is enough. I wanted to come someplace I know no one, have nothing - no job, no friends - and discover if who I am is quite enough. That I, Hannah, the woman that I already am, is enough - she has what it takes, just by being me.

6/16

I'm pretty upset because Aaron and I have broken up.

6/17

My mentor, Laura, gives me some of the best perspective on life I could have asked for. :)

"Where hides this joy of the Lord, this God who fills the earth with good things, and how do I fully live when life is full of hurt? How do I wake up to joy and grace and beauty and all that is the fullest life when I must stay numb to losses and crushed dreams and all that empties me out?" - One Thousand Gifts

6/20

I get pretty poetic and sappy.

6/30

- I hope I grow up to be half the woman my mom is
- Food net and my brother Brad have forever changed my perspective of homeless
- "Even when you're doing the right thing, you still get treated unjustly.'

God promises me restoration.

7/7

God plants the idea of working at Boys Town.

"If you are committed, passionate and feel you are qualified to take on a life-changing experience - please apply." - Boys Town

8/3

What has God been teaching me this summer?

- Wherever I go, God is there.Whether I'm in Nebraska or Colorado I am as close to God - nowhere on Earth can I have a "more" or "less" spiritual connection with Him.

- Don't think about walking away from temptation, don't flirt with it, RUN from temptation.

- I am loveable - easily loveable.

- I crave depth and meaningful relationships but struggle with communication and vulnerability.

- God never fails to provide for me.

- If I seek, I will find.

- God is full of adventures! :D

- Temptation and being temped aren't sins, but acting on them is.

Micah 6:8 teaches me what the Lord requires of me. :)

8/30

My Lord
Where would you want me to go?
Just across town?
Or a place where I don't know a soul
Just tell me where
and I'll hit the road
with no time to spare
and no heavy load

This verse from 'He Paid it All' by Brandon Heath becomes my mindset and prayer for my future.

9/3/13

"There is a fierceness in women that was given to us for a purpose. Getting time with your Lover is worth whatever it costs." - Captivating

I recognize that I am fierce and feisty and created that way.

9/30

I contemplate how to tell if I have a relationship, and what that looks like.

- We spend time together
- I listen, You listen
- Your opinion matters to me
- I tell you everything
- We do everything together
- We are constantly knowing each other deeper
- We know each other intimately
- There are no secrets
- We go everywhere together
- We talk about feelings - good and bad
- You influence my choices
- We fight
- We go on dates
- We love each other
- Spending time together is valued and important

10/20

Lord, I desperately want Thatcher to walk.

10/28

THATCHIE WALKED TODAY!!

11/12

Your grace is sufficient for me.
You're my revival song.

12/3

There is nothing I need that I don't already have.

_______ isn't mine to hold on to.
(This is in reference to all the things that I try to cling to and give myself a sense of stability and predictability when my future is so unclear. People, things, ideas - none of those are mine to hold on to.)


"A great tree is both moved and unmoved, for it changes with the seasons, but its roots keep it anchored in the ground."

"Mastering a gentle and quiet spirit doesn't mean changing my personality, just regaining control of it, growing strong enough to hold back and secure enough to soften."



Well, 2013 journal. It's been fun, but I can't wait to see what the next journal is going to be full of, because I don't think I could even guess what is about to happen in my life. :)