Searching for Grace, Truth and Life
All my life I've never felt 'good enough.' And it's such an over used phrase. Good enough? What does that even mean? Good? I bend over backwards for people who couldn't care less about me. Good? I'm a sucker for romance. Good? I try my hardest to only be told I'm a failure. Or worthless. Good? I'm too vulnerable. Enough? I'm there for anyone but when I need a 'shoulder to cry on' they aren't anywhere to be found. Enough? Called fat to the point where starving myself seems the only option. Enough? Humiliated out of my mind to the point where cutting seemed to be the only thing to satisfy. Or to numb. Enough? By this world's standards, I will never be enough. I will never be pretty enough. I will never be thin enough. I will never be smart enough. I will never be tough enough. I will never try hard enough. I will never put up with enough. I will never be good enough. And I've had enough.
1 Peter 2:9: But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God's very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.
Matthew 6: 30: And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
Ever since I can remember I was starving for attention from people. I would throw anything and everything I had into relationships (with friends and boyfriends). I'm a sucker for romance, and a fool for friendship. I was constantly told by previous boyfriends that I was never good enough. I was worthless. I was never going to amount to anything. And even came to such a point that one of my boyfriends pinned me down, and yelled at me in my face about all the mistakes I'd made and laughed at me while I tried to get him off. It wasn't the fact that he over powered me that hurt, it was the humiliation and that fact that he enjoyed seeing me cry that hurt the most. He was my ride home, too. But he said he loved me. So, I believed him. And I tried so desperately hard to make him accept me. For him to think I was good enough. He constantly made fun of people who cut and starved themselves. Calling them 'emo' and that they're just doing it for attention. But little did he know his 'girlfriend' that he 'loved so much' was cutting and starving herself for 'attention.' The pressure to be 'good enough' for him and his family was too much. His family even told him flat out that I wasn't good enough. I wasn't smart enough for him. I wasn't good enough in athletics. I wasn't anything special. And I believed it. And even up until this year, I still in the back of my head would think, if they saw me now would they FINALLY approve? I hadn't talked to him in three years and I would still hold that against myself. Trying to be this smart girl. Making myself believe that if I was the best doctor around, then people would finally think 'I was good enough.' Trying to letter in sports so people would think 'I was finally good enough.' And the whole time I would look myself in the mirror and be so disgusted. I could stare at myself for hours (and sometimes I did) and be so ashamed of myself for 'not being good enough.' Do you know the mental pain and scaring that can do to a person? Holding that expectation of being 'perfect' enough? Do you understand that at all? This world's constant demand for 'perfection' for being 'good enough, do you understand that it's not possible?
Breaking down my walls, or 'peeling back my layers', I had to finally try and see 'I was good enough.' I felt I wasn't 'good enough,' for God to love me. I wasn't 'good enough' for Christ to forgive me. I wasn't this, I wasn't that, I wasn't this, I wasn't that. Yeah, you're right. I wasn't. And I'm not. And I'm not ever going to be. Christ loves me for me. For my flaws. For my imperfections. For my scars, mentally and physically. For my hopes and dreams, that sometimes are maybe too far out of reach. For my passion. For my love. Christ thinks I'm enough. He thinks I'm enough to die for. He loves me more than life. And even typing those words, words I desperately and constantly need to drink in and soak up, I'm starting to cry. Cause the things other people have said to me have burned such a deep hole threw my heart that I never thought I would be able to fill it. But those words right there are enough. Enough to fill. Enough to heal. Enough.
And I'm enough. And you're enough. We're enough. Don't buy into the lie that you're not. Or are never going to be. Don't be sold short. Don't be told that you're worthless, and don't let yourself believe it. Because we're heirs to a Kingdom. (Holy cow!) You'd think that people would stop saying 'we weren't good enough' if they realized we were all princes and princesses. Isn't it about time that we actually start to believe that? Cause I've had enough of other people telling me what I am and am not.
I'm a child of a King. I'm a daughter of the Prince of Peace. I'm a warrior for the Maker of the Stars. I'm enough for Him. And really, that's all that matters.
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