Saturday, March 26, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Big Break - Panama City, Florida - 3/19/11
While I'm here in Panama City, Florida for Big Break with Campus Crusade, I'm keeping a little mini-video diary type thing kind of to keep tabs on myself, because I don't know how much time I'll have to journal and what-not. The videos are not very edited, so there's probably going to be some intimate thought/feelings type stuff in them.. I would appreciate it if those of you who watch don't pass on what you hear and see - my parents/family, and a lot of friends my age I don't really want to see this blog. I mention Jordan once in while, and it would be really cool if these don't get back to him. But I still want to share what I'm learning and show who I am, and sometimes he still plays a pivotal role in my thoughts and feelings and I don't think I should edit those out.
Thank you to all of you who are praying for me and this trip.
It could be a wild ride!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Spring Break?
One more day of classes and then - SPRING BREAK!
This was my initial plan to have a blissful break -
1) Go home
2) Sleep
3)Not do any homework
4)Babysit a lot of babies **Morgan - this is where I break the news that I'm going to have to rain-check on babysitting. Tell the baby to stop growing until I get there!**
5)Relax.
That was going really well until last Friday. I was at a CRU hosted swing dance when one of my friends approached me with the idea of going to Panama City in Florida for a mission trip spring break. My knee-jerk reaction was no way, definitely not, nothing sounds less appealing. Nothing doing. But he told me a little more, mainly that no one had signed up, and that CRU would pay almost my whole way. I said I would consider it, but didn't actually mean it.
Five minutes passed, and I was still thinking about it. And not only was I thinking about it, I was feeling sick over it. This typically happens, I've learned, when I'm about to battle out something I don't want to do, but usually know I should. My friend Stephanie and I retreated to a quiet laundry room to pray for a few minutes because I was freaking out. Me? Mission trip? Panama City? Why me?!
And we prayed. I went first, and basically while I was praying, I realized something which you can see just from reading my past few blogs. I have been asking God to push me out of my comfort zone (this definitely qualifies), I've been asking - What next? What now?
That was all well and good, but I was still freaking out. Immediately all the different reasons (I use that term loosely) I should not go to Panama City, especially not on a mission trip.
1) People might reject me (One of my own friends here at UNL said this when I told her about the trip - "Seriously? Because if someone walked up to me on the beach during spring break to tell me about Jesus, I'd punch them in the face. So watch your face."
2) I am unqualified. Who in their right mind would listen to me? Who am I that I should talk about Jesus to people I don't know?
3) I am unworthy. If I knew me, I wouldn't want to listen to a word I had to say.
4) My little sister had a dinner concert and state speech to attend over break, I was planning to spend a few days in Wayne with my best friend Sharra, and my little brother had a math competition I wanted to go to.
5) All I wanted to do over break was hold babies.
6) (This is my favorite reason, and I quote directly from my thought process)
"Lord, all I have is a bikini. I can't wear a bikini on a mission trip. I'm immodest, clearly I shouldn't go."
Legitimate reasons, right? I know they aren't, but I sure tried to come up with some. If only CRU hadn't offered to pay for some, then I could have hemmed and hawed about finances being tight. So I stayed up until 2:30-3 wrestling with what to do, praying, reading my Bible and such. Finally I was so exhausted I couldn't take it, and went to bed with the decision that if it was alright with the people I had made plans with already to skip and go, I would. Of course, this was a sneaky (hopefully I somehow snuck it past God..riiiight) fool-proof plan because anyone who knows first, my best friend Sharra, and then my little sister Carol, knows that they are serious drama queens (love 'em both, but it's the truth) and would flip completely out on me bailing on such important events.
Morning comes - first step, talk to Sharra. Who supported me 110%. I believe I looked at the cieling and was like, really, God? Really? Now she decides to be normal and not freak out and be dramatic and selfish? Now? **Disclaimer: Sharra, I know you are going to read this, and you know I love you =)**
Ok, well, luckily Carol would surely freak out. Her show choir and speech are super important to her and I'd been promising to attend them forever.
What do you know about that. Carol was more supportive and enthusiastic than Sharra.
Mom didn't pass out - just had parental/safety concerns, which was normal.
So did Dad.
And my little brother (surprise, surprise) didn't really care.
I was fast running out of excuses. So, last resort, I start paging through my Bible, hoping for something to say I should not break promises or something that clearly said I should not go to Florida. Here's what I found:
1) Isaiah's Commission in Isaiah chapter 6
2) The story of Jonah
3) The Greatest Commandment:
"Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your sould and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' "
- Matthew 22:37-39
Alrighty then - who am I to argue with the greatest commandment?
So this Friday (March 18th), I'll be starting the 20-hour drive to Florida with a bunch of boys (another - why me? moment..) that I don't really know to meet up with hundreds of other believers and I guess 'preach on the beach' as the trip has been nick-named by some of my more skeptical friends.
Lord - I'm taking my pepper spray, but I'm only 130 lbs. Protect me, I am rape-bait. And don't let my delicate (Ha!) ego be completely crushed.
Oh yeah - and please protect my face.
This was my initial plan to have a blissful break -
1) Go home
2) Sleep
3)Not do any homework
4)Babysit a lot of babies **Morgan - this is where I break the news that I'm going to have to rain-check on babysitting. Tell the baby to stop growing until I get there!**
5)Relax.
That was going really well until last Friday. I was at a CRU hosted swing dance when one of my friends approached me with the idea of going to Panama City in Florida for a mission trip spring break. My knee-jerk reaction was no way, definitely not, nothing sounds less appealing. Nothing doing. But he told me a little more, mainly that no one had signed up, and that CRU would pay almost my whole way. I said I would consider it, but didn't actually mean it.
Five minutes passed, and I was still thinking about it. And not only was I thinking about it, I was feeling sick over it. This typically happens, I've learned, when I'm about to battle out something I don't want to do, but usually know I should. My friend Stephanie and I retreated to a quiet laundry room to pray for a few minutes because I was freaking out. Me? Mission trip? Panama City? Why me?!
And we prayed. I went first, and basically while I was praying, I realized something which you can see just from reading my past few blogs. I have been asking God to push me out of my comfort zone (this definitely qualifies), I've been asking - What next? What now?
That was all well and good, but I was still freaking out. Immediately all the different reasons (I use that term loosely) I should not go to Panama City, especially not on a mission trip.
1) People might reject me (One of my own friends here at UNL said this when I told her about the trip - "Seriously? Because if someone walked up to me on the beach during spring break to tell me about Jesus, I'd punch them in the face. So watch your face."
2) I am unqualified. Who in their right mind would listen to me? Who am I that I should talk about Jesus to people I don't know?
3) I am unworthy. If I knew me, I wouldn't want to listen to a word I had to say.
4) My little sister had a dinner concert and state speech to attend over break, I was planning to spend a few days in Wayne with my best friend Sharra, and my little brother had a math competition I wanted to go to.
5) All I wanted to do over break was hold babies.
6) (This is my favorite reason, and I quote directly from my thought process)
"Lord, all I have is a bikini. I can't wear a bikini on a mission trip. I'm immodest, clearly I shouldn't go."
Legitimate reasons, right? I know they aren't, but I sure tried to come up with some. If only CRU hadn't offered to pay for some, then I could have hemmed and hawed about finances being tight. So I stayed up until 2:30-3 wrestling with what to do, praying, reading my Bible and such. Finally I was so exhausted I couldn't take it, and went to bed with the decision that if it was alright with the people I had made plans with already to skip and go, I would. Of course, this was a sneaky (hopefully I somehow snuck it past God..riiiight) fool-proof plan because anyone who knows first, my best friend Sharra, and then my little sister Carol, knows that they are serious drama queens (love 'em both, but it's the truth) and would flip completely out on me bailing on such important events.
Morning comes - first step, talk to Sharra. Who supported me 110%. I believe I looked at the cieling and was like, really, God? Really? Now she decides to be normal and not freak out and be dramatic and selfish? Now? **Disclaimer: Sharra, I know you are going to read this, and you know I love you =)**
Ok, well, luckily Carol would surely freak out. Her show choir and speech are super important to her and I'd been promising to attend them forever.
What do you know about that. Carol was more supportive and enthusiastic than Sharra.
Mom didn't pass out - just had parental/safety concerns, which was normal.
So did Dad.
And my little brother (surprise, surprise) didn't really care.
I was fast running out of excuses. So, last resort, I start paging through my Bible, hoping for something to say I should not break promises or something that clearly said I should not go to Florida. Here's what I found:
1) Isaiah's Commission in Isaiah chapter 6
2) The story of Jonah
3) The Greatest Commandment:
"Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your sould and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' "
- Matthew 22:37-39
Alrighty then - who am I to argue with the greatest commandment?
So this Friday (March 18th), I'll be starting the 20-hour drive to Florida with a bunch of boys (another - why me? moment..) that I don't really know to meet up with hundreds of other believers and I guess 'preach on the beach' as the trip has been nick-named by some of my more skeptical friends.
Lord - I'm taking my pepper spray, but I'm only 130 lbs. Protect me, I am rape-bait. And don't let my delicate (Ha!) ego be completely crushed.
Oh yeah - and please protect my face.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Blessings
What if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials in this life are Your mercies in disguise
Every Wednesday night I get together with my friend Stephanie for dinner and we catch up on each others week. It's a great time for the two of us to take a step back from our stressful college lives, share what has been going on in our lives, and build each other up through prayer and encouragement. This week, what has really stayed with me since we talked was the power of sharing.
I don't know how many times I've tossed out a quick - "Make me a blessing today, Lord," - prayer on my way out of my room as I lock the door, and then never give it another thought.
Anyway, Wednesday night Stephanie and I talked about keeping regular quiet times, and she mentioned she was having problems getting beyond the routine of it. Completely understanding, having been there and I'm sure I will be there again someday, I told her about my new version of quiet time.
Here's something I wrote in my journal this week -
"Lord- We have a problem. A good problem, but a problem none the less. Because I've been so excited lately to get up and have a date with You in the morning, I haven't been able to fall asleep!"
I've found myself in this love relationship (finally!) with God, where, I'm not really sure when or what happened, but I feel like I've seen a peek of the lover that God is to me. I no longer call what I do in the early morning a quiet time or a Bible study, because it's more like every morning I get up and God is waiting, not just waiting, WANTING to spend time with me. Me! All I have to do is brew the coffee.
Together we sit and chat and I drink my coffee and we have a wonderful time together. Something I'm especially enjoying in our relationship is the sunrises and the music. Music is a large influence in my life (as it is in many others lives as well), and I've been hooked on this song You're Beautiful by Phil Wickham, and the first verse is about seeing God's face in every sunrise.
Now, I'm not very easily prone to tears, but in the morning when I see the sunrise (reflected in the windows of a building, because I'm not actually facing East), and I sing that song to God just me and my guitar and Him, I can get a little choked up.
Who am I, that God would want to paint me such beautiful sunrises?
Who am I, that God would want to spend time just showing me how much He loves me?
I am blessed.
Like I said last week, there is finally joy, real joy, in my life again. It is a week where all the blessings are good ones - I was accepted as an RA for this fall (so many worries taken care of), and one of my dear friends is pregnant. Things are good.
Last night at Campus Crusade though, the speaker played this song by Laura Story, the lyrics at the start of this are from it, and it really touched my heart. The song is about blessings - and what if they are the trials, the troubles, not just the happy things in life.
And I completely agreed - I've seen more blessings come from the bad, from the times when life is hard, than when the sky is clear. I was able to listen to that song (and have been constantly, because I'm addicted to it now) and say - "Yes, Lord, I see those blessings, too." And I was able to be thankful for them.
At the risk of writing too much that doesn't mean much, I'll end with these verses I read this morning in Phillipians.
Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice!
Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:4-7
Friday, March 4, 2011
From the Inside Out
A thousand times I've failed Still your mercy remains And should I stumble again Still I'm caught in your grace Your will above all else, my purpose remains The art of losing myself in bringing you praise Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise From the inside out, O my soul cries out My heart, my soul, Lord I give you control Consume me from the inside out Lord Let justice and praise become my embrace To love You from the inside out
From the Inside Out - Hillsong Praise
It is 9:18 A.M. and there is absolutely nothing else I would rather be doing than sitting here
with my Bible and a cup of coffee. Also, it's Friday, so my normal rise and shine time
(6 o'clock) gets pushed back to the late, late hour of 7:45. The sun is not shining today,
but I have so much joy right now that I'm thinking if the sun were shining too, I might go
blind. It is so great to be filled with joy - it has been so long. But it is a new day - a joy-filled
one. I'm sure sooner or later I'll write a little about my experience with sacrifice lately, but
this morning I don't want to dwell on the past.
Everything is different now.
Here is what I am especially thankful for this morning (besides my coffee!). Every time I
say to God - "What now? What next?" and ask for guidance and earnestly seek Him in the
matter - He never fails to show me. It is amazing how God takes one day to the next,
building on everything that I learn.
What am I learning?
This song by Hillsong Praise - From the Inside Out - sums up my feelings this morning the
best. Even though I have failed over, and over, and over again, I find new mercy from God at
every failure. I'm learning that by God's grace, I am constantly given a new start - which makes
every day I spend with Him the New Best Day of My Life. And like the chorus says- consume
me from the Inside Out - I'm seeking earnestly to transform my life so that justice and praise
become myentire lifestyle.
This is my purpose: To enjoy, worship, and praise God.
From the Inside Out.
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